That's what I feel like right now.....All that heartache, all those years, getting sober, getting drunk, getting sober, watching me fall flat on my ass, watching me pick myself back up, he was always there. I finally make peace with the fact that our relationship is what it is and will never be anymore, I was, for the first time in a long time happy, joyous, free and content. And WHAM! The coward sends me an email, a FREAKIN' Email, to tell me he did not enjoy our weekend together and it was time for us to end.........He certainly enjoyed me folding his laundry, washing his dishes and making a HUGE bowl of potato salad as his contribution to the Labor Day feast at work. He certainly enjoyed when we........well, you can fill in the blanks......I had no clue he was not enjoying our weekend together!
God! What a fool I am. I trusted him. I trusted him with my life and he doesn't even have the balls to tell me to my face........ I want to drink. I want to crawl into a hole. I want HIM to suffer. I want to drink the poison and wait for him to die!!!! .....(I know Whine, whine, whine)....I haven't been to a meeting in ages. I haven't replaced my sponsor. I haven't talked to another AA in months......I know what I need to do. I also know what I want to do. I've played the tape thru and know drinking is not the answer. But damn!!! It sure sounds like a great idea right now.......Sorry! All. I haven't been around and this is how I come back!!! ........But, for what it's worth, thanks for being here and for letting me share this......
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Well Jen...I could say that hes likely the one with the problem...and it isnt about you...
But it likely wouldnt help matters would it...?
Youll likely be as angry as hell for a while....and then start analyzing it all...and blaming yourself..
Been there...and its what we do best..
Im in a relationship right now thats great...
But the red flags are starting to pop up...and Im saying to myself..
"Do I want to go through this shit again?"
Dont know..
It all takes work...and Im just not sure whether Im capable of taking another risk..and going through that work again....I guess the answers will come..one day at a time...
Its sure as hell not worth picking up a drink over....Nothing is..
Another day....
Youre pissed? I cant blame yu....
Easy does it...and take care of number one..
Love
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Dont do it!! Think of all you have to offer someone else!! Shoot, I'd love someone to make me potato salad!! (I'll have to teach my husband) Im new, but know that no person, place or thing is going to make me drink..Especially b/c I have a whole 11 days!! I sort of feel your pain b/c I have so much going on right now that I dont know how to deal with them. It sounds like you have all the tools you need to get back on track and take care of you! I wish you much luck and hope to see you around! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Relationships are so hard sometimes. I find it WAY easy to be sober when single. Not so much when dealing with an additional adult ego in my life. Hard stuff.
My 2 cents: if you aren't going to go to a meeting, go to a bookstore- go shopping- bake a cake- go to a movie- anything but drink. In my experience, the first two drinks make things seem slightly better and the rest of the night is spent desperately, futilely chasing the memory of feeling slightly better. And the next day I have to start over and kick myself for not having a little more backbone about it.
Doll, that's a kick in the chest I know nothing I say can relieve. Know that you're loved here. Folding into fetal to protect the pain will pass, and you'll draw another breath when you're wondering why you're bothering. You're bothering because you're worth it. His loss. Love yourself enough. Holding you as close as I can right now, chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Hi Jen, Don't apologize for "venting". I do believe you said it all when you stated........ "watching me fall on my ass and watching me pick myself up." It was YOU who gave YOU sobriety and no one else. You came here and aired those feelings.......that's good. (Keeping it on the right track) Been in that situation.....though can't say that there was the urge to pickup......unless it counts wanting to take the bottle and whack him over the head with it. LOL The anger didn't prove anything other than to make ME to feel physically sick. Wasn't aware of that until I came here and as time has passed well........ I've simply learned (AND IT TOOK REPEATED ATTEMPTS) when I feel that way to become aware of what my body is doing.... racing heart, head throbbing, ect ect. and that is when I start tapping into HP and taking slow deep breaths. Anyway........hang in there. You are a strong person! Wanda
I cant put myself in your shoes and wouldnt pretend for an instant that I know how you feel. Loss sucks and is just the hardest thing ever, and its never easy and its always painful. But I think its safe to say that I do know some stuff about booze, relative to my loss. Thats a pretty safe bet.
My alcoholism has been around nearly as long as I have, but I was a pretty resilient guy and smart enough to know something was out of hand with me and the booze, and so at 22 I pretty much swore off the stuff. I drank a beer here and there- maybe a case of beer total over the next 14 years- and even though I hardly drank at all that nagging infatuation was always there, the alcoholism needling and prodding at me to have a couple more. I was young and pretty strong- I have always had what people refer to as a high pain threshold.
I got married at 22- the same year I decided to steer clear of beer- to a girl Id dated since I was 17. I was a rough kid and I ran in rough circles, and a lot of the guys I grew up with were falling victim to the percentages. Drugs, car wrecks, violent crime- they were dropping like flies. I got married in part to save my own ass- essentially from myself. At 22 I was building houses for local contractors, running the show with a load of responsibilities for my age.
Anyhow- fast forward through a lot of really good years with my ex and our daughter, some time in San Diego and then in Wyoming, then in Hawaii, surfing and racing Hawaiian outrigger canoes, training and teaching martial arts, trips to Disneyland and trips to Tahiti. Lotta good times but in that time my ex and I grew up and grew apart. She wasnt too unlike me in the respect that she married me in part because she was painfully shy and I kept people away from her and I married he in part because I was going to die if I didn't change my lifestyle. That wasn't all of it, but it was something. She was also drop dead gorgeous and so I kept those wolves at bay too. One thing that always bugged me is the way- several times- guys asked my ex if I was her brother. I got into a couple altercations over that one. But in hindsight its easy to see why they thought that, and now she and I are pretty great friends and so maybe in a way they were justified. (I always thought they were just hitting on her and it was some sort of slight towards me!)
So around the year 2000 my marriage is falling apart, my wife and I are both a little confused (understatement) as to where we go or what we do. Don't get me wrong- we cared about each other and all that- but I think maybe we were never like "head over heels in love" with each other. It was kind of like we said "Shoot- what are we supposed to do next? I guess we get married." And so by this time we'd grown way, way apart in way different directions. She would be perfectly happy being home alone 24-7 and I tend to socialize a lot amongst my tight circle of friends- for example. There was a lot of stuff I wont get into, just differences that never got resolved, lots of differences. So in the end we got divorced, which is when I began drinking again.
But just before we got divorced- maybe a year or so- I fell head over heels in love with a girl I trained with. Wed spent years training together and it was all pretty innocuous and innocent and we spent a lot of time on the side (we both had kids training also, and we ended up spending LOTS of time in the dojo) talking and sharing time. And one day I learned something that had happened to her that hrut her and I was just so upset and angry and enraged and wanted to just make her be OK- and at that moment I realized that I was just hopelessly in love with her.
That weighed heavily on me and I was even more confused than ever. I thought about her and my actions and our families constantly. And one day not too long after that I called her up in the middle of the day and told her how I felt about her.
Now she was in a bad place in her marriage too, and her husband to me seemed really indifferent towards her. I knew him a little and didnt like or dislike him, but I felt she deserved someone who treated her like someone very special, because thats how I felt about her. We spent a lot of time together, lunches and window shopping and holding hands and innocent stuff like that. We never did have an honest to goodness physical affair- Im kind of a straight arrow about that stuff. We had the opportunity but I think we both knew that would change things and so we settled for just enjoying each others company a whole lot. I dont think I was ever more happy than I was with her holding my hand, walking around doing nothing on her lunch hour. It was really important to me that she wanted to be with me- that she thought I was something special.
Of course it couldnt go on like that forever, and I asked her to leave her husband and to come be with me. She said she couldnt- that she had to stay with her kids. I knew that wouldnt work out- that her kids would be terribly traumatized if their mom chose to leave- and in hindsight I guess thats just another reason why I loved her so much- because she was just the kindest person like that.
I guess that was the difference between us- when I fell in love with her there was no longer any way I could fool myself about my situation with my (now ex) wife. And so I got a divorce, and this girl went away from me and stopped returning my calls, tried to do what she could to make something right for her kids.
I was devastated. I was the saddest, most pitiful person Ive ever encountered. I was a mess. I thought about her constantly. I still think about her quite a bit- probably the sum product of her just vaporizing from my life one day with little preamble or explanation. But I mean- how much explanation is necessary?
So I drank and I cried. A lot. I was in a tailspin of epic proportions. Its a wonder I managed to keep the business going and kept my house, put my ex-wife through college and all that- miraculous. Whatever god is up there cut me some slack on that one. Who wouldnt, though- I was a broken man and terribly broken hearted. Id found something that was the best thing Id ever felt, just being so in love that I could tell her anything and she me- and then it all got taken away from me and there wasnt a damned thing I could do but stand there with a confused look on my face and wonder what just happened.
But I guess the thing Im trying to get to is that the drinking didnt do a damned thing for me. It made things worse. She and her family moved across the island and I dont see her around anymore. It took me about three years to stop looking for her.We have a lot of mutual friends and they know a little of what went on- that there was something there- and I guess thats good and bad. At least my group of guys know why I got so screwed up for a while there- like a train gone off the tracks. Maybe with a crazy guy driving.
Im not any less in love with her, really- though god knows I tried hating her for a while. That didnt do any good either, FYI. Today Im on some sort of road to recovery.Between that little heart breaking incident and the booze I sometimes have a tough time seeing which is the illness and which is the symptom. But it doesnt really matter too much which is which. In the end I try to be that guy she liked to be with, and hope that maybe some guys get lucky twice. Im not holding my breath.
Anyhow- like I said- I cant put myself in your shoes- everyone is different and has different needs and all that- but from a guy whos loved and lost- drinking didnt make it any better. Didnt even make it SEEM any better really. Didnt solve a thing for me.
I am so sorry that you are hurting this bad right now, the end of a relationship is always so painful. But, I've got to know you through this board a little bit and I know that you have the inner strength to come through this.
You know that taking a drink won't make this any better and you'll feel a million times worse than you do already. Just concentrate on not picking up that first drink and when you are over the worst of this pain you'll feel so rightly proud of yourself.
You're a super person and you are worthy of someone so much better than him.
You have a lot of love and support from the people here. My thoughts are with you, hun.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are for you, won't you?
(((((Hugs)))))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
You and I go back quite a way together on this board, and you have always had a lot of good things to share. I know you got what it takes to make it through this.
One of my favorites that you have reminded me in my own times of crisis......"Don't drink! Even if your _ss falls off, DON'T DRINK!"
Stay with us honey, we can get through just about anything with support from our AA family.
Wishing you serenity and peace through the storm, Dan
Don't give that guy the satisfaction of drinking over him, he's not worth it. There might be a voice inside that is saying "if I get drunk he'll feel guilty and maybe he'll come back", don't go there. The best revenge is living well. Do what you know you've got to do. Keep your head down (think about what you've got to do today) for a while and remember that nobody belongs to us we just get to borrow them for a while. Nothings permanent, it all goes away sooner or later including us. Life is short be grateful for the time you spent together vs. being alone, and remember "when on door closes, others will open". Trust your higher power that he/she has a better plan for you ahead.
a couple of months ago i found the guy i had been dating got another girl pregnant, was my best friend that told me. Apparently she got pregnant about the time we started dating. He never said a word to me about it. We started dating back in february of this year, I gaurd my home, i call it my amazing space... cause i was so stuck in my bottom that i had no home for quite awhile...and i gaurd my sobriety, my recovery. What i'm trying to say is, i'm very particular bout who i allow in my 'space'. So we became friends to begin with, lots of coffeeing, long talks...it all led to us being a couple. Fast forward a couple of months and i was feeling...i don't know...like he needed me more than I was ready, or willing to give, he brought up marriage a couple of times...living together. Then one night i got assaulted by his words..he was accusing me of having another man in my life, said it was a vibe he was getting. It actually wasn't the first time he had said this. I got angry. The next morning when he called I told him that i was taking a break from dating him. For the next couple of weeks we still talked on the phone etc but i wasn't sleeping with him. Then my best friend gave me the news bout the other girl. This 'other girl'...he had told me was his cousin!!!!
so...during our time together i had gone to less and less meetings... i don't know about you but i know where that leads me...eventually picking up that first one... so i got back to meetings, i let him know that i know bout the other girl and that we were definitely done. I did tell him that i wish i would have been told by him...
He claims that this child may not even be his... to me is irrelevant. Off and on since he has sent a couple of texts... i never replyed to one. Until he got nasty... then i sent one back telling him i considered this harrassment and that i don't want texts, phone calls, to see him. If i recieved one more i would go to the cops. So far so good.
This other woman goes to my meetings, she is showing now. From what i've been told he told her that him and i were just friends... I know she knows different today. i felt so...i don't know..embarrassed, like i was the fool... He has 7 years sobriety from alcohol and 5 from dope. I am working on my 8th month. Looking back i believe he 13 stepped me and i fell for it.
I was sad, in shock really.. and angry. I entertained the thought of taking a drink... cause thats what the alcoholic in me does. I went to more meetings. I shared...not bout particulars...its a small city... majority of my personal shares i do with my sponsor.
I had to really think about whats important...i am...my sobriety time takes time and i'm not angry today but i don't want anything to do with him.
Doll, drinking won't solve anything, you know this.go to a meeting.
Thank you all so much for sharing with me. The support and encouragment is so appreciated.....I didn't drink. Won't give him the satisfaction. Instead, I got up 2 hrs early and went to the gym! Been trying to put this old broken down body back together for a while now, and if nothing else, when I run into him somewhere (and I will) I'll be looking sooooo awesome he'll be the one to go home and drink well, it makes me feel better to think that anyway....
It's only been a few days, and I know it will take time, but I want this empty feeling I have to go away, NOW! Part of it is fear, part of it being I don't know what to do with myself, I spent all my free time with him. Looking at it now, not a good idea to bend your life around someone else.......
I will survive...and....Will be at a 5:30 meeting today.
I love you all so much!
what a family
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I was going to suggest exercising, it's the number treatment for depression (not saying, just comparing). Think of this too, every day, every hour, every minute We decide if we want to be happy. After a "bad" day, I wake up the next morning and tell myself "I'm going to decide to be happy today" and it works every time. "People are about as happy as they make their mind up to be"- Winston Churchill. Only you can make you happy, and only you can make you sad. That's very empowering, that "owning your feelings" stuff.
So now you're going about "getting a life" LOL, well that's exciting stuff if you think about it too. New stuff all day every day. Have fun with it.
Who was it that said the best revenge is living well?!
I threw 4 years of sobriety out the window over a relationship, and it wasn't worth it.
He hooked up with an active addict/alcoholic after I relapsed, and that hurt SO bad.
I've been single for many years now, and have learned I must love self first and be solid in my recovery before I even think about a relationship. I've found out I'm pretty good company!
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Hey Doll - I love your heading and your accurate sense of humor during a difficult time. Those feelings suck suck suck (I know them well), but I promise they will pass and a new light will be shed on everything. I hated it when people told me this when guys broke up with me (notice the pluralization of that sentence), but it was true: He's doing you a favor. Or, my other favorite: God is doing for you what you could not do for yourself.
Years ago, a guy lied to me and gave me vd, then broke up with ME, telling ME I wasn't good enough for HIM! (sorry if that was TMI, but it's my story). I was crushed. But my sponsor said "get happy at him", and I threw myself into a group of very lively and beautiful newly sober women. Mostly I did it so that he would see how little I cared and how much fun I was having, but what it did for me is give me the opportunity to know these women and open myself up to them (I cried to them when he wasn't around). Now I'm amazed that I ever dated him, and so grateful that it didn't go on for one minute longer. And a few of those women are still good friends. I just don't have the perspective or imagination that God has.
I'm glad to hear that you're going to a meeting tonight. Go get happy at him!!
Thank you all so much for sharing with me. The support and encouragment is so appreciated.....I didn't drink. Won't give him the satisfaction. Instead, I got up 2 hrs early and went to the gym! Been trying to put this old broken down body back together for a while now, and if nothing else, when I run into him somewhere (and I will) I'll be looking sooooo awesome he'll be the one to go home and drink well, it makes me feel better to think that anyway....
It's only been a few days, and I know it will take time, but I want this empty feeling I have to go away, NOW! Part of it is fear, part of it being I don't know what to do with myself, I spent all my free time with him. Looking at it now, not a good idea to bend your life around someone else.......
I will survive...and....Will be at a 5:30 meeting today.
I love you all so much!
what a family
You are the absolute best. My heroinne for today. Superwoman. Way to beat the percentages and come up smiling.
I cook a LOT. I love to cook. I love good food. But good food often asks for "a dry white wine" or cooking sherry or whatever. You know how many times I've picked up a bottle and looked at it, my disease telling me it's just for cooking? Lots of times. TONS. Last night I made a really great French Onion soup in my new pressure cooker. I needed some french bread and mozzorella so I headed out to the store and picked up a few things, and on my clockwise trip around the grocers I pass the pain and angst section last. I stopped and picked up a dry white wine and read the label, my disease telling me the same tired old cliches it always does. Of course the little angel on my other shoulder (mine looks and sounds like George Carlin, of all people!) tells me "Hey you fricken dumbass! You're going to use a couple of ounces of that in the soup and then it'll be calling you from the fridge the rest of the evening. Not only that but you're stupid enough to pick up a Pinot Grigio to go with it because YOU KNOW THIS GAME!!!" Needless to say I swatted the little devil (who oddly enough has a greasy persuasive voice and looks like George Bush) off of my other shoulder and put the stupid juice back on the shelf and stayed up til 1:00 in the morning watching movies and eating a pretty fair onion soup. (Onion soup is by far the easiest thing anyone could make. But I absolutely love it when I have a cold. Which I do. Stupid vitamins and eating right got me NOWHERE!)
Anyhow- I was thinking of your post yesterday when I put that bottle back on the shelf. Thanks!
There is no problem so bad that a good, stiff drink won't make worse. You don't have to drink over this Jen. But you know that. Take drugs instead! NO NO NO no no no!!! Just kidding. You'll probably think what I'm about to say sucks, but here goes: Everything is as it should be. You are going to start taking better care of yourself? Do it for you, not him or anyone else. It's a great idea. Life will change for the better...it always does. It just doesn't seem so in the immediate moments. You have too much time invested in you to turn back, so keep looking forward to a brighter future. It comes. The most amazing things have happened in this last (sober) year of mine. I went from a dying/dead relationship that I was really hanging on to for nothing more than "o.k." friendship/love/security to the most incredible love I have ever known....And I wasn't even looking! And she's getting engaged later today, her birthday. She just doesn't know it yet.
These things happen when you least expect it if you just focus on making yourself your best friend. People notice the security in you...the self-assuredness, and are drawn to you. But you know that. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
SO RELAX AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DEAR ONE!! Love in recovery...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
what goes around comes around....dont worry doll, he"ll get his. i have seen karmic justice at work a few times. in the mean time time take good care of yourself....you are loved. i think you are great. i love your personality. god loves you too. the power that created the universe knows best, (at least i keep telling myself this) im in a similar situation and its one day at a time with emotions all over the map. when i ask "why did this happen?" i have to believe it is part of a divine plan that is for my good in the long run. God bless ya
well, it makes me feel better to think that anyway....
