I've struggled a lot with finding a good sponsor since I moved to Nebraska... and am having to look for a new one again.... and it's not the whole deal of finding one that will tell me what I want to hear, or anything like that... I think I've posted some about this before, the first one was controlling and I found out she was abusing prescription drugs, the second one didn't have time for me and didn't return my calls, the third one just didn't feel right and I didn't trust her enough, felt judged by her... these last 2, well, one just fired me, the other I haven't been able to reach in several days and I'm betting she'll "fire" me too. And it's because they've gotten too pushy with my relationship issues, and have been telling me what to do, and telling me to leave, and I guess since I didn't do what they wanted, they don't want to sponsor me.
I do feel that you should be able to talk to your sponsor about relationship issues, but that they shouldn't tell you what to do about it. My first sponsor listened to the problems in my marriage, and the most input she would put into it is suggesting I try to work things out before giving up. She never said anything bad about my exhusband until after I made the decision to leave, and even then she mostly stayed out of it, but did tell me that she felt he was pretty sick himself and needed to get his own help and was glad to see me get away from him.
Everyone has been so against me and bf being together, and I don't think it's against me, or against him, it's because of our "abnormal" relationship, people don't understand it, the big age difference and stuff, there's a handful of people we are close to that support us and don't judge us, seems that everyone else pushes us to break up.
I read the pamphlet on sponsorship, read what a sponsor is supposed to do. this sponsor that fired me, and the other one I haven't heard from, they've had many years in the program and never sponsored anyone, and they don't do things how sponsorship is suggested.
I guess I'm finally just going to leave it up to my HP... when I go out and pick a sponsor, it doesn't work... gonna let HP find one for me... the only issue with that is I need to find someone to do my 5th step with, but I suppose my HP will put that person in my life as well.
But what do y'all think, as far as sponsors pushing with relationship issues? I mean, should I just not talk to my sponsor about my relationship? I feel that I should be able to talk about it some though... a friend suggested finding a sponsor that doesn't know about my relationship or know my bf... well, I don't feel I should have to keep things from my sponsor, that doesn't feel right...
Any suggestions? I've been here 7 months and have had 5 sponsors not work out... I'm not gonna rush out and pick another that's not gonna work for me... but it's so frustrating... I'd understand if bf was beating me or something and they told me to leave... but generally he's good to me... we did have a miscommunication on some things, and we're working things out... and I think a sponsor should be able to accept it whether they support it or not, and not "fire" me because they don't like what I'm doing... Also they pushed me more when I was angry at bf about things, and then of course I'm more likely to listen to what they want and leave... then realized it was a mistake... I'm not one to just give up, I want to work things out, it really bothered me that she couldn't accept that.
Any suggestions or experience with this... would be really appreciated...
Lisa, From my own personal experience..... When things were "heating up" between me and my AH, I suggested counseling. Made the appointment and relayed when it was. While he never agreed to go he didn't say no UNTIL the very last minute. Okay......WE DIDN'T. Then it was suggested by him that I was "in need of mental health counseling"........ "because I was out of control acting crazy". I was on an emotional roller coaster.....yet I agreed. He had the counselor picked out. She wasn't available, yet I went. Another professional listened to my side/feelings ect. as I poured out my heart. She was very compassionate. She, however, told me to move on and not try and force issues of any kind especially the alcoholism and adultery. Her words were pretty much what is said in the Big Book about "letting go". I tried...... yet it wasn't in my belief system to ignore the fact that he had crossed a boundary. (I wasn't ready.) I also went to ask counsel from my parish priest. (I'm Catholic) He too was very compassionate. (Note here: I held NOTHING back.....that includes things that I possibly had done wrong or did without realizing the true harm of their nature.) He asked if I thought I could get AH to come to a joint session. I already knew that would be denied. The priest then said, "You will have to "let go" and learn to live as if you were raising those children alone." "Continue with prayer, service attendance, ect. There is not much one can do if the partner refuses help." I was shocked! By his reaction, he could detect this. I asked when did the Church say divorce was okay? He told me, "They have never condoned it. I'm not saying divorce him. What I am saying is that when one has done all one can to correct any errors on their part and the other spouse is unwilling to give at all then the former HAS TO "LET GO". I am not trying to be a "hardass" in your situation. I do understand perfectly where you heart may very well be at this time. From what you have stated in previous posts.... your ABF attends few meetings, makes little effort to work the steps, and you have learned that he was in intimate relationships with other women. It is a very real possibility that like I had done with those who I had sought out for counsel were telling you what you may be NEEDING to HEAR rather than what you want to hear. It took quite awhile before things had "sunk in". I do still love AH and am still married......in as far as I know. Yet, I no longer go out of my way trying. I pray instead and have left it to the Man Upstairs. The question that you may have to ask your self......."Is this relationship and bf for my own personal good?" There is a difference between that done that is "good to me" vs. "for my good". It was a question I had to ask self repeatedly. He provided essentials being "good to me" but in alot of ways I became so codependent that J was not "good for me". Before marriage I walked away not once, not twice, but three times because of the "partying" About the 3rd date we had he asked why I had such an issue with alcohol. He was told up front where I thought it could lead......I had seen it far too often, destroy relationships, kill people in auto accidents, as well as playing a part in suicides, motivated quick marriages because of pregnancies, ect ect. I accepted J drank and thought "it would be okay". I even joined him for a while afterall every social event consisted of alcohol. Fast forward, there were alot of little signs that he had problems with consumption and what it was doing. I cannot tell you what to do here. The decision is yours and you will have to cope with whatever consequences. I can tell you....that when one seeks a mentor, counselor, or even a sponsor.......they are asking for support as well as guidance. That to me, means that when I "air" any issue to another I must be willing to lend an ear as well whether I like what the other has to say or not. Sometimes, such as was my case, it had to be repeated serveral times over before it went "click". I walked out on a very close friend of mine because among others she was giving her best effort to help me. Understand I had went to her. It was quite the scene.....I felt she was letting me down, didn't understand the pain, ect. She said I was so damned bullhead! LOL Yes, at the time I did not want yet another person tell me to let go. Her parting words...."when you get your fill you WILL know what I am talking about" My oh my.......it has been quite a journey! My parting statement to you.......hang in there, work your program.....and I shall keep you in my prayers that your HP will do what is best for Lisa. Hugs, Wanda
went to a meeting yesterday...topic was sponsorship... Myself i have 2 of them....both have lots of sobriety...they have what i want
A sponsor is a guide, a friend...we as alcoholics usually have trust issues....trust is gained, its not something we have right off the bat... respect is gained. We learn to become trustful of ourselves, we learn to become our own best friend, we learn to respect ourselves.
i heard this shared at the meeting yesterday which really has me thinking.... they say... take what you need and leave the rest.... in fact what we need to take is what we want to leave...
judgements are huge in preventing me from getting where I want/need to go. Often I assess some person, place or thing by comparing it to my past.
Faith is huge Once we stop using alcohol...admit we are powerless...we still have the unmanangeable life, the unmanageable person to deal with, I can't deal with it alone. They call it our 'isms'
Often I need to look back at the feelings the were invoked from people , places and things that got me there. And practice...lots of practice.
I need AA, i need to read the BB, I need to work on the principles, the steps in all areas of my life. Acceptance that everything is as it should be and what lengths am i willing to go to to make it better. Acceptance preceeds change. Keep looking, keep asking questions and trust that all will be well.
