I know this is a hard one, MicKen. I wish I had some wise words or wonderful advise for you. I will offer to be here if/when you need support, and I will certainly include you in my personal devotions.

I have heard of this happening so often. I know we really hurt those who love us while we're still practicing. It's why I feel alanon is so important for those who have to deal with us.

I've no idea how you work the spiritual part of the program, but this is a time where holding onto your faith would be good. Do what you need to do to keep yourself and your son taken care of. Don't sell yourself short, either. Sometimes we just can't fix others, we need to work on ourselves. Try to stay positive, keep reaching out for support. If you have a sponsor, spend some time with her and others in the program. Make certain you're supported, k? And know we're here. How wonderful, truly, that you didn't pick up that drink. Keep on doing what youre doing, it'll be okay. It really will. hug, Chris

-- Edited by Wren at 03:33, 2007-07-29

Hi MicKen,
I trully am very sorry you have to go through this. It is hard, I know, I've been through
this though there has been no divorce. There is another "catch" to my story........it is my
husband that has the problem with alcohol.
Yes, if your husband seems set on a divorce.....you will probably not be able to change
his mind. We simply cannot control others. I tried it didn't work..... It is what landed me
here (and I thank God everyday that it did!)
AH "played" on my emotions......this after his affair was suspected. Told me we would
work on our marriage only to be planning his future with mistress. (She had been through
a divorce and she has as well a problem with alcohol. She "coached" him on the loopholes)
You might want to go ahead and seek advice from a lawyer.....just in case he follows through. He took everything out of the joint account and of value..... The job I had at the time was only minimum wage. He left me with a car that barely ran..... Three teens and
to say the least it was emotionally draining.....
For me it is when I NEEDED God/HP and my faith. NO it was not easy to watch close to
30 yrs. of marriage crumble before my eyes. Like you I had no idea where, when, how.....
I just kept praying and praying and praying. And being the best mother I knew how to be.
(Even that was a challenge in that my children seem to defy many rules and AH took their side to win favor. )
Yet I have persevered it all. And by the grace of God my children thus far have turned
into productive young adults all living on their own. You would be amazed at how strong
you can become in the worst of adversity. I HAD to put fear down to survive. (Note: I
was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after AH left. It seemed so minor to go through
in comparison.)
It is great that you did not pick up. That to me says you have the strength inside to face
life on life's terms. Take it one day at a time. Work the program and take care of YOU.
The rest will come. Dwell only on the present day. The past is gone and you cannot change
it...... Don't worry about tomorrow either.....
I cannot explain why some relationships are able to go through some very hard knocks,
struggles, challenges and survive and why others don't. Sometimes we are given the
answers readily and at others...... Yet I know in my own situation there were that blessings have come.
Hang in there. Will keep you (and your family) in my prayers. Wanda

(((((MicKen))))),

I know how painful those words can be. How ironic! I come from the Alanon board and come here occasionally to see how the AA's are doing. Always learn something. My AHsober moved out 2 years ago and said he wanted a divorce. We have been married over 30 years. It is difficult being in that position of being the one left behind. I am fortunate in that my 3 sons were 18 and older and that I have a good paying job. Nonetheless it is still sad and painful. Listen to the advice here. Take care of yourself first and don't beat yourself up about being an A - it is a disease and you are powerless. As we are powerless over our dysfunctions. Your husband is probably codependent and has issues that he should deal with too. Take care of your child. Meetings and support help alot.

In support,
Nancy

My wife dumped me when I had been sober several years.  As it turned out, she had cheated on me since before I got sober... hard to really blame any one thing.

I don't believe I came close to getting drunk when she left.  Suicide maybe, but drinking no.  I guess I knew drinking wasn't a viable option.  Today, I'm inclined to believe that if we had stayed together, I might not be sober today.

I spent more than a decade without any kind of real relationship with the opposite sex.  Not for lack of trying and failing badly.  A few false starts, including one within the walls of AA which was truly insane but fortunately lasted only a couple weeks.

It took me YEARS to stop seeing myself through my ex-wife's eyes.  She came along when I was young and "made me a man".  Then she took it away.  I believed everything good about myself was because of her... take away the woman, take away everything good about me.

The reality was, she left me pretty much how she found me... with nothing in terms of self esteem or sense of security.  I had to start from scratch in that department.  Pretty painful process to start on at the age of 36.

There were a few words always in the back of my brain, that kept me going.  My favorite is the exerpt from John F. Kennedy's famous speech, whenever I see something ahead of me that looks like it's going to be difficult:

" We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too. "

Barisax

Thanks everyone for your well wishes and good advice.

I don't care if a live in a shack, I just want joint custody of my son.  So when he started threatening divorce (even though the drinking was not the only issue at the time, but now that I am sober he has changed his tune), I went straight to my Dr. and AA.  In the close to the month that I have been sober, I have already seen so many people come and go. 

My husband invited me to sleep with him last night ( I used to sleep elsewhere..I have the inferiority complex)...so that was a good sign.  I am honestly hanging in and trying to do my best at everything so that I can prove by the time a divorce might occur that I have been sober for at least several months.

I took up smoking when I quit drinking...I plan to make it short term I am just trying to get through this first couple of months (I had quit 13 years ago when my fiance (now husband) thought it was disgusting), and my son accidentally caught me with a cigarrette in the back yard today.  I am terrified he is going to tell my husband.  But I can't tell him not to, because I don't want him to ever think he needs to keep secrets from his parents.  So I am praying he doesn't mention it.. he just turned 6 and is fascinated when he sees people smoking.  I always just say "it is bad for you".  I tried to redirect him and tell him it wasn't smoking, but the kid is not stupid.

I work with children for a living.  I have my master's degree.  I just chose to work in an environment with children rather than geriatrics because I would get summers off with my son.  The thought that he would try to take full custody of my son curdles my blood.   I said "NO" too loudly to my son the other day(this was after saying no several times in a calm voice), and my husband acted like I had beat the child or something. And this is after overhearing my husband yell at him the "F" and "Hell" words in the same sentence when my son was being persistent.  He has ADHD, and although medicated, he still has problems with it.

I am walking on eggshells, and going through recovery at the same time.  I live for my son.  I wil not pick up a drink.

-- Edited by MicKen at 16:30, 2007-07-30

You are in familiar territory here.  The same thing happened to me when I got sober.  Threats of divorce, moving out etc.

Do not cling to him.  Fix yourself through the program and you'll be just fine with time.

Once I stopped trying to manipulate her into loving me again....things slowly got better and we are enjoying a better companionship now.

I really think that my wife had to adjust to my sobriety and was not really prepared for it.  All of a sudden I was there and she had no idea what to do with me. 

I had to learn to live life on my own (2 daughters 5 and 8) in the same house.  Once I decided I did not NEED her to live.....things turned around.  Very peculiar.