As some of you know from reading my first post, I am new to this forum and to AA. My wife and I have always loved to travel. She is obsessed with the idea that we will go to Italy. On my first day of sobriety, I said, "I'm not touring Tuscany." She took that OK. However, when she brought up Rome again today, I told her that it would be a long time before I am ready for that, as I have already traveled Europe extensively (although not Rome), and have seen many churches, and as a non-Catholic, I don't want to deal with the price, crowds, and hassles of seeing yet more old cathedrals. She continued to press me on why I could not enjoy it, and I said, "Because all I ever did at night in Europe is drink, " and although she acknowledged my problem, she was not patient. Finally, I snapped at her, "This talk about where we are going long-term and how I will handle this is really not helping me in my one-day-at-a-time approach, you know?" She apologized, but then said she will just plan on taking trips without me, and that it is unacceptable to spend my life sitting in my apartment (where there is also lots of alcohol that does not bother me in the least, because that is home and my comfort zone where I am not tempted). I agree with her that it is not OK to stay sheltered, but aside from discussing travel to other places I haven't already been (she wanted to go to Prague -- been there, so I suggested Hawaii, Asia, Russia, or places where the sights would genuinely be new and interesting), how can I help her see that I am early in this process, and it is upsetting to discuss future plans when I haven't yet learned how to see them?
Is there no answer to this? She got mad at me, and said, "How can I discuss anything you want to do when you don't even know who you are? How will I ever know?" This doesn't seem constructive to me. Anyone else been through this?
So far, she claims to feel that Al-Anon is not for her, because people are describing people with active behavioral problems (i.e. those continuing to drink and who are abusive), or people who have hit bottoms worse than mine, which was simply a realization that I must not, cannot, go on like I was. I am working on trying to get her to understand that as different as we all are, we all have a lot in common, that it doesn't take an arrest or a trip to rehab to have a real problem. I guess getting past her many levels of denial will be a process also. I don't need the extra pressure, but I never expected this to be easy.
Its very common when there are couples involved...Re: "You have the problem..I don't....and why should I suffer because of your problem?" and, theres not much you can do to make her understand...unless...she wants to understand...
I would suggest asking her for a few months of days....to deal with your problem... or until you feel more comfortable in the sober stage...and then discuss plans further...
Its a whole new ballgame....Wishing you a good day...
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I have been to AA meetings in Indonesia, Zimbabwe (not Botswana - there was only one in the country when I was there!), Paris, London, and Oxford. Recovery is anywhere you want it to be, and so is alcohol. Today I live where there is alcohol, and I got sober where there is alcohol because I didn't have a choice. For many years, though, I chose to live with no alcohol in my home.
I guess what I am trying to say is that recovery and alcohol are both everywhere. If you don't want to go to Rome, then you just don't want to go to Rome. And that's okay! Many people will say that big changes early in sobriety can be bad, and I often agree. I also know someone who moved to France early in sobriety, and she's now over 20 years sober. Because I was so unclear when I got sober, I often used my recovery as a tool against others. It's okay if you don't want to travel. It's also okay if your wife does. What matters most is how you speak to her, and if you are truly trying to find consensus or if you are just jittery and irritable and leaning towards argumentativeness.
I hope that you've found some meetings in NY and that you can connect up with people who know you and can be there for you. Those things saved my life!
It's not my outright fear of travel - I recognize that I still like to travel. In fact, I am going to Sandals on August 8 for a long weekend in honor of my fifth wedding anniversary. Alcohol is everywhere, and included with the cost of the stay, but I am ready for that, because there is plenty to do there aside from pass out drunk on the beach (didn't even do that last time I went to an all-inclusive - though I did drink, I was rarely drunk). My problems are going to places where I really don't want to go (Italy), or places that I like, but need time to adjust to the fact that I will be doing it without the alcohol at night to follow the museums and sights during the day, especially places I already know (Prague, Paris, London).
I will figure this out, because, as my slogan at the bottom says, I am a very hard-nosed, even stubborn individual who does not give up on what is truly worth doing. Also in my favor, my wife is going to give an Al-Anon meeting a try today. The more she really is forced to deal with the reality of my problem, the more she is willing to go through what she needs to do to support me. I am lucky to have her, despite the occasional stress.
