i seem to have no confidence in doing step 4 the big book way A fellow member at a meeting the other night said in order for him to do his steps he really had to simplify. He said if you do it simply, it can be done on a napkin... don't need to have a thousand written pages. if I tend to stretch the truth..Liar. Have I stolen?...Thief..etc Now, i just to clarify that i'm not looking for the easier , softer way here, i just want to get it done. I've been sitting on step 4 for too long..procrastination is my middle name. Now that that's said, it will be the last time i say it!! What i keep telling myself..will continue to be, so.. Today is a new day, another chance to co-create Wendy. Today i have faith i will complete my step 4. I choose not to say WORK my program, instead i practice my program.
Any imput on how you did your step 4 greatly appreciated.
Gosh, I've been told a zillion different ways by a zillion different people. I think we inherantly know what we need to deal with on the 4th step. I was new, and one woman told me I had to write down each and every person I had ever been intimate with, and I nearly had a seizure. Hey, Lady, I'm a drunk, like, I"m supposed to remember names???? Then I realized that for her personal 4th step, she had to do that for herself because she felt guilt in that area. I later learned that another person simply put down " I committed fornication" or adultry, or whatever you term it personally.
I, personally, used terms such as " I hurt this person/these people by lying (stealing, cheating, etc.) I hurt my children by being unavailable, neglectful, etc. Now, that is what worked for me, and that is what I took to the priest I chose to do it with. I knew I had to remove the guilt and negative feelings (and yes, I also spoke of "I've felt hate for this person because..") in order to move on. I chose not to use names, minute details. But that is because that is what worked for me. I found that as we spoke, or when I was writing it down, things came up that I'd forgotten, and in the end I had a pretty good running inventory of my past mistakes. This was a step I viewed as a "cleansing" step, rather than a "oh hell, beat myself up" step. Seeing them in writing helped me to recognise them, make sense? And I was able to be more aware of not repeating them in the future. I still repeat some mistakes, but I catch them and deal with them alot quicker now. It's been many years, and still something will pop up, and if it's feasible, I will make amends for something I did two decades ago. I would pray each time I began working my 4th, for self honestly. And I would just write down the "title" of what I felt bad about, not all the details, unless I felt they were necessary in order for me to release them. A few times I walked away and came back.This was my chance to bring the "old" me together with the 'new' me, and integrate the two. And it was alright. It does feel scary, but it's all in your perseptions. Make it a cleansing "ritual" for yourself, and then give yourself a gift for doing it. Trust in your Higher Power to be with you during this. This is just my suggestion only, but find what is right for you using the BB for guidance. hugs, Chris
-- Edited by Wren at 16:14, 2007-07-07
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I pretty much did mine the same.....Wrote down who I'd hurt, or lied to or used or whatever, used it as a rough draft, then went into much detail with my sponsor one on one verbally....You'll be fine.........hugs!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I went more in the direction of detail, but that's who I am. What was most important was that I did it, and that I did my best to be thorough and honest. I think those two words mean more than anything else. I was in earnest, and that's why I'm sober today. You can write it on a napkin to get it over with and say it's done, but are you being thorough and honest? On the other hand, you may write a book, but leave something out without meaning to or even realizing it. If you are in earnest and stay that way, there will be many opportunities to do an inventory on that "missed" thing later (even with all my writing, I missed things on my first inventory).
I was fortunate in that my sponsor gave me an actual outline with examples, and this especially helped me to figure out the fourth column, which was pointed out to me as being most important. And when I shared my inventory (and even before that), she gave me examples from her life. It took me a while to write mine, and the procrastination, guilt for taking time, and fear of sharing it were just as painful as the inventory itself! I love the saying that it takes "three months and a day" or "one year and a day" to do an inventory - that is, it's however long you take to procrastinate, plus just a day to sit down, hunker down and do it! But the saying is popular because we all experience the same procrastination. So hang in there and "just do it"!
I've done two 4th steps, one was sort of free form and one was 'big book style' and when it came right down to it, it was all the same basic stuff, just presented a little differently.
Just like how we all fit into different styles of clothes - 16 different types of clothing will all cover your body in basically the same way... we will each thrive in a 4th step format that is a little different, if your inventory is searching and fearless, and thorough, don't forget thorough then regardless of the outline you use, it will serve it's purpose. Just don't forget to put don't the positive stuff. When you take inventory, you count what you have, that includes the good things.
I personally found it helpful when starting, to write down every name of every person you can think of who is and was in your life. Not for any purpose other than to have them in the front of your mind, because if you lose your train of thought, or are a scatterbrain like I am (a scatterbrained alcoholic, imagine that!) then it can be helpful just to have it sitting there.
thanks for your input. in keeping it simple...i like the idea of starting a list of everyone i've known. Scatterbrain?? yup me to, i blame it on the PAW. :)
then regardless of the outline you use, it will serve it's purpose. Just don't forget to put don't the positive stuff. When you take inventory, you count what you have, that includes the good things.