Hello my lovely on~liners. Missed you all & been very busy with work. I'm checking in for some much needed AA love&help since I know you're here & have always been there for me when I've needed so THANKS so much in advance. I'm going out to a meeting with my Sponsor & go to a meeting shortly but right now my situation is that my A exB (we split in Feb to put recovery first but still love each other) has come back from Sweden to see me but as yet has not arrived having had some hours free since landing this afternoon while I've been in work. This visit is huge in regards to his recovery. He's 8months & decided to come last night which was already off the cuff & risky but we wanted to see each other. I've not seen him for 5months. There are fears around whether he will use (if that's what he's doing right now, why he isn't here!?) I've got no contact number for him & no idea where he is. I'm really scared right now. The thought & reality of him using knocks me sick & I'm scared of what I'm going to be presented with if he arrives & he has. I know I have to stay sane & keep my own recovery at the forefront of my mind & I'm sorry to be as worried for my own sake as I am for his but this is the way it has to be isn't it? How can I be so selfish? Anyway, I just want to know that he is safe so that it doesn't hurt me! I've missed him so much & dealt with the distance really well. I really don't want for it to come to pass that he has come all this way just to relapse back to type. So much for trust. What can I do with this. I'm sick of being in love/co~dependent with an addict. I really hope a greater good can come to pass. If this breaks my heart maybe it's for the best so that I don't have to deal with such severe problems on the part of another again. I can't cope with it! Thanks for listening. The worst that could happen is that he has & then I decide I don't want that kind of illness in my life. I've worked hard for what I have & I deserve more. Any objective & loving thoughts no matter how hard~line in kindness will be welcome. Thanks for listening & letting me share. Yours, as ever, in recovery, Danielle xxx
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I was thinking about you earlier and hoping that all was well with you as I hadn't seen you on-line for a little while.
I hope that you have a super meeting with your sponsor. I know that I always feel much more focused when I spend time with mine. She manages to get me right back on track.
I am sorry that you with this worry about your boyfriend. But, there isn't anything that you can do about the situation. I can so understand your fear that he will relapse and the consequences, for him and for you, too. I really do hope that he won't, but if he hasn't yet hit his bottom - remember it's HIS bottom - you don't have to go with him.
Your recovery and sobriety have to be the main thing in your life right now. You are doing the right thing seeing your sponsor and getting to a meeting.
Danielle, please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Please let us know how things go for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
i wouldnt really call it selfish to fear the heart-ache of seeing someone you love relapse, and i can tell you from my own experiance it does hurt when some one you are in-love with has trouble "getting" the program. i went through 5 years of it with i guy i loved very much and the end result that i learned was that if he couldnt work the program and stay clean the disease ran him and he was destructive beyond belief to the people who loved him. i had to walk away and it took a long time to grieve it. i learned very thoroughly about the power of un treated addiction and how toxic it is to my recovery. i had to choose and it was pretty simple really cause for me relapse is not a option. there is no "coming back" for me. i know i wont make it, i remember where i came from and this life of recovery is the only way for me to live. i hope and pray it works out good for you. either way the lessons are valueable. sending light and blessings your way!
What i do wen a sponcee or a friend is in that place ....i pray for God will for them ...see i dont no what God's will is for me or anybody else ......i am powerless over Alcohol or anybody drinking Alcohol.....
Good luck to you ....hope it works out for you.,,,,you are in my prayers
For what it's worth Danielle, don't project. Just allow things to happen and know when to say "no" and walk away. I make it sound easy, but have faith in your higher power that all will work out for you. It must. good fortune...Tim
__________________
"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
hey danielle... good to see you! I hope everything turns out ok. I am sure by now you have figured out where he is and all of that since you posted awhile ago... it is 3am and I just got home from work.... Let us know how you are doing... I am sure you will make the right decision for yourself...
__________________
"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't"
Fear is absence of faith. You can't worry and pray at the same time.
I have been around long enough to realize that many of what I thought were the most horrible and painful circumstances in my life (including my now deceased alkie/druggie ex-husband not 'getting' recovery) were blessings in disguise.
Today I have faith that God has a plan for each and every one of us. Today I realize that I must replace fear with faith.
Yes, I do have concern for people in pain, friends who have relapsed. However, when fear creeps in and worry takes over, IF I dig deep, I find that fear is centered in selfishness, as in how is this going to affect 'my' life? Life is full of situations that create discomfort in us, where things don't work out as we had hoped, and the true test is walking through those things with the faith that all is as it should be and God's hand is at work :)
__________________
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
I'm sorry I didnt catch this when it was written. I do hope that by now your fears have been put to rest. Tim said it--projection is a real enemy. I 'm one of those " Ron's two hours late, omg, he's been in a car accident/hijacked/left me for another woman" etc. And then he pulls in with a grin and a new tool for his workshop, totally oblivious that I"ve created a whole scenario based on my expectations and projections. (and I dont tell him, either). I feel that when I go in that direction that I'm showing a lack of trust in both my HP and the person I'm spinning about. I believe we condition ourselves to imagine the worse--it saves us from being caught off guard and disappointed, like a protective measure. So I've had to "unlearn" negative conditioning by visualizing a more positive way, a more trusting way. It's all in the journey, Danielle, and we are human just trying our best , so be gentle with yourself. I do hope all is ok, and that you let us know. hugs, Chris
__________________
"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thanks to you all for your care, ES&H. I'm home & sober. I got a call this morning from a hospital to let me know he was there so I got myself together, looked after me, spoke to my sponsor & went to see him. Lying there, hooked up & back on square 1. A sad sight though hopefully, for him, his last. I was relieved to see him but not like that. I don't know what to feel for him any more. What do you do when you move on in recovery & your would be partner is there in the old mess you 'escaped' though only with a daily reprieve & because of going to lengths to get it. How would I like it if the roles were reversed? I feel like I don't know him any more. Like there's nothing he could give me (selfish again). I 'wanted' him to get well so that I could have a boyfriend worth being with, to share recovery with & there's still a part of me that blames myself. I couldn't keep him clean. I could have given him the option the night before by saying 'Listen, if you use then there's no future for us' but I didn't want to put conditions on him or pre-empt anything. I already feel that I had by voicing my concerns for the situation he risked. I've heard that alcoholics may usually have two addictions. I guess I have three maybe four. Relationships, cigarettes & sparingly, food! Lots to pray for there! Anyway, I have issues of co~dependence & funnily enough was told at the meeting tonight about a weekly meeting that goes on based on our 12steps, tho fitted as appropriate. Do we out~grow people or is the thought of love conquering all a co~dependent one!? I hope you can forgive if I'm seemingly veering away any from our singleness of purpose in sharing about other issues. This is me trying to accept things in my life on life's terms without taking a drink. For me, it's not about taking a drink any more, it's about working my program to the best of my ability in all my affairs including how I conduct & consume. Sobriety is a state of mind & concentration so sometimes I think it can all be relevent as long as it's not a continous pity~party. I'm genuinely trying to see my own part, motives & shouldering of responsibilty or lack thereof. I'm glad you're here to share with. Sobriety wouldn't be much fun without our fellowship. Thanks for helping me through my times. It's good to be here with you. I'm also learning to lean in ever closer cirles & cycles on my Higher Power & people like you help to teach me how to do that. Thanks for your time & space. Love in recovery, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
"Do we out-grow people or is the thought of love conquering all a codependent one!?" I don't know that we "out-grow" people, but I do know from my personal experience that we can grow apart. That is, just grow to not have the same goals and interests that were once shared. This may be where you are at in this relationship and signs are showing to you that you are now quite different. It is not like abandoning someone, it's just going in a different direction that the other chooses not to. It doesn't mean love and caring is gone, only that a duality, the sharing of it is. Growth is occurring to one and not the other. This is only my interpretation of that which you have written Danielle. I hope it may give you another perspective. Good fortune to you...Tim
__________________
"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I'll draw this spurry to a close now. Thanks for your care, concentration & concern. I felt much better today. This afternoon I spent a lot of time projecting & trying to rationalise & justify things to a way of thinking but I wasn't really getting anywhere. So I hoovered up, had a sing & dance, got showered & went back out to see him. I spoke to my sponsor on the way & prayed to myself (not to myself but you know what I mean ;) I had some healing tears, felt accepting of myself & how I'd been, my confusion & learning to forgive my wants & needs. By the time I got to the hospital I felt taken care of & was able to give a little more. After all, it wasn't me lying in a hospital bed having just harmed myself. I saw him & I knew him better. He seemed better. I was more accepting tho still quite distant. After a couple of hours I let my guard down & told him it had been hard to deal with things as they were given that we'd planned for him to be home with me & had had to experience this instead. Some further honesties came & in the end I knew that I just loved him & that everything would be ok 1Day@aTime. His illness or recovery didn't have to affect me or at least the way he was there, I was familiar with & able to still be where I am in my own. He's going back to Sweden. I don't know how long he'll stay there. But, just for today, I'm willing to wait & take it in my stride. I just wanted to know that I loved him & accept that. I don't want to pressure him any more. I can learn to live in/with his absence. I know one day we can work if he works his. Thanks for being here. I'll keep you posted. For the most part I will simply keep him in my prayers. Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you for sharing the details of this scary experience. It really brought me back home, which I needed. And just for the record, you aren't straying from singleness of purpose, because being involved with active (or even "almost active") alcoholics is definitely a threat to recovery. I know this because I got sober at 17, with no choice but to live at home with an alcoholic mother and grandmother. But I stayed sober that first year, then moved out. Then at 13 years sober I married someone in AA who then drank and started smoking weed, which was quite a roller-coaster. After divorcing him, I was alone a lot, and also made a few mistakes with newcomers out of loneliness.
But more than these stories, reading your words made me remember how frightened I am of my OWN alcoholism. Sure, I have felt really bad for others, and hurt because they hurt. But more than anything, when visiting someone in the hospital or whatever the case, I want to think that's NOT ME. But deep down I know it IS ME. Other people's alcoholism is frightening to see, mine is terrifying to realize. And what makes it so much worse is knowing that I'm not keeping myself sober. That of myself, I would be in that hospital bed. Just as I feel the power of God in those situations, I feel the fragility of myself. No wonder it eats me up so much when people who are close to me are eaten up by this disease.
And I can't refrain from giving an unsolicited opinion - you are NOT selfish because you don't want to be in a relationship where someone can't give you what you can give them. That's simply healthy. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally at the same place. It may be selfish if you want someone to give much more than you, but that's not what you are describing. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself (and your sobriety) more than him. Okay- sorry for that but I just had to put in my two cents!
It's hard to hear stories of such pain, but also uplifting to hear of people staying sober "wife or no wife, job or no job"!
