Yes, this is going to be a long ramble, you don't have to read it, but I about feel like I'm losing it right now and I gotta get all this out.
I'm a total mess right now, and it's my own fault. I don't know, I've been a basketcase for the last few days. I really don't know what's going on. But you know, all through my life, drinking or not, there'd be those times where everything seems like it's spinning out of control and I just can't catch hold of it and set it right again. That's how it's felt lately.
Think this all started a little before, but definitely by Saturday... bf went back out to our friend's house, I didn't really want to go, and thankfully wound up not having to. He's been out there since Saturday, hardly calling me over the last couple of days, and oh he called tonight, said he'd be home tonight, well, never came home. And never called, but then he probably figured I'd be asleep considering I was up all night and all day.
But... I don't know, him not being here, it does affect me in some ways, but I dunno when he went out there things just seemed to start spiraling down. and god right now, being as tired as I am, I can't even tell you what all its been either. A lot of it is things with my bf, was starting to realize that well, it's not really working, and the past couple of days, how he's hardly even called, and he acts like he really takes me being here for granted... then tonight... I don't know, maybe it's coming down to the last straw.
Then on top of everything else, my online sponsor/friend... broke off the sponsorship and friendship tonight, said more or less that my life is too much for him right now, that he can't handle all this, that he's a quiet living person. And I do understand, I've been throwing a lot on him and another close friend lately and I shouldn't be. Part of what did bother me in that, is that we have a friend that is probably as much of a basketcase as I am, yet, he doesn't have a problem with her. But, something happened today to me, that I think upset him and could have been the last straw? because things before that were fine, we talked at around noon and there didn't seem to be any problem. But more or less there is a sexual predator in the chatroom... that decided to go after me today... and got me all screwed up the rest of the day... a close friend that goes to the chat room told me I needed to tell my online sponsor about it, and I emailed him, because I didn't know if I'd be up when he got online... well, it was when he read it, that he broke everything off with us. You know as much as I do understand, that I've been throwing a lot at him, and I know it's my fault... god it really hurts... he'd become a very close friend... and well, he's even taken me off the blogs we go to and signed off of messenger, avoiding me I suppose... and I've been in tears most the time since all this...
I know, I just need to get a grip, on everything. I've been feeling like I'm just totally losing it lately. Even had thoughts of drinking tonight, but know that it won't help and it won't make any of this better, will only make it worse. I do have the sense enough to know that.
I don't know, I'm sorry, I had to get all this out... I don't really care if anyone even made it through it, but if you did, and have any words of wisdom, it would be appreciated, and yes, I do know the main thing, that I haven't been doing, is Keep it Simple.
I gotta get some sleep, finally am winding down now...
I don't know what to say about all this stuff going on--Lisa, it's just life I guess. We begin putting expectations on others, we are going to be disappointed. I'm concerned about how it looks like you're setting yourself up, yknow?
Many months ago, I know you were taking meds for valid diagnosed reasons; do you think that you may be going through a manic phase right now? I hope this doesnt upset you, I am thinking of you in this. I am very familiar with bipolarism, and I know you went off your meds a few months back. Do you think that the whirl of things going on is possibly related to this? That if you could just slow your thinking down, you would get some sleep (which, as you know, is a bigee--sleep deprivation has horrible side affects), and begin to sort your thoughts out? You've gone through multiple heavy life changes this year, and that's enough to overwhelm anyone. These thoughts are just from watching and reading, Sweetie, and I'm giving them in a truly loving and non judgemental way. I'd love to see you taking better care of yourself in that area. You've got my email if yu need to use it. hugs, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Sometimes I feel really alone in the world. Those times, I try to connect with my higher power, and realize that truly, we are never alone. I didnt quit drinking alone, I couldnt have. I had to have help. And just that tells me that he's there, waiting for me to unload my problems on him. It helps alot to just tell him whats bothering me, and ask for some peace of mind. I usually find that Im thinking so much of myself, I forget about other folks that also have problems. Then I remember how backwards that is, kinda. My assignment here on earth is to be usefull to others. It's not the worlds job to make me happy. I end up looking for someone to do something for. I go to a meeting, or I call a friend and ask if they need anything, if there's anything I can help them with. Ive come to realize that I really am totally powerless over how the world treats me... and that if my HP can mjake the sun come up and down, or move the ocean back and forth ... or create babies... or hold the planets in place... well, he can probably handle my problems too. Theres good days and bad in life, I see that now. But I never have to drink over the bad ones again. I eat, I rest, and I talk to some one. It all works out. If I let it.
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
Time to get out of 'self' ? How about a little service work, or a job maybe? Something, anything or you are going to make yourself (and us - LOL ) crazy (ER) btw; Drinking is a thinking problem. If you let it, it will consume you.........prayers going up
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Some of us have been down the road that youve been on...
And when we watch others go through some of this stuff..we have to let go..live and let live....even tho there are times when I've felt like saying "What The Hell Are You Thinking?" I couldnt...
I've been through situations in sobriety where others around me have said to me...."What are you doing Man!! Are you braindead?"
Well.....we wont go there..:)
Decisions and choices....some are good some are bad...we learn and we grow...
Expectations vs Disappointments
And the grass is not always greener on the other side...
But at least when we fall....there are those around us that help us up...
We are never alone....
Most of the questions Ive needed answered in the program concerning living and choices,were always there.....I just didnt want to look...but in the end ...I had to...
Keep on truckin!!
We care...
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Yes, this is all just life... I do realize that... and I need to get a handle on it and start dealing with things...
I've been talkin with a friend, and have decided I'm going to ask a woman in my homegroup here to sponsor me... I do have a f2f sponsor here, but I don't feel comfortable enough with her. I was talking to my friend about it, told him I was thinking about asking her, and he's like "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT - DO IT!" And he's right, really, I think she's perfect for me. I'm going to call her after a bit. I need a female sponsor here that I'm comfortable enough to talk to and call... which I'm not with my current sponsor... which is part of why I've been so dependent on these online friends and chatroom lately, and well, giving all of y'all here an earful lol
Setting myself up? yes, I really have been lately... well, lately? I've always done that... and I need to work on it.
I was telling a friend, how lately, so many people were telling me before how good I'm doing and that I'm so different from when I came in these rooms, but... then I feel like I'm really backtracking right now, but... I am doing better though, because a year ago I'd be drinking, I do know now all this isn't anything to drink over. But, I'm obviously not doing as well as I could be or was, and not working the program to the best of my ability lately...
I'm still sorta a mess today, but feel like I'm starting to think a bit more clearly, and seeing the things I need to be doing... when I let all this insanity go on too long, I wind up drinking again... well, it's gone on a few days now, time to get a grip on it. obviously getting to only about 3 meetings a week isn't enough lately... and I've been isolating here quite a bit lately, I do have f2f people here I could call, but I don't with the justification that I don't know them all that well... well... I can't get to know them if I don't call, right? Yes, I'm backsliding, going back to excuses and justification for absolutely everything, and fighting the program... I'm reallizing that now, so it's time to get a grip and do what I need to do.
Doll, you're right, I gotta get outta myself... when I get the focus off myself, I do feel a bit better... I'm letting myself get way too wrapped up in everything lately...
Thanks everyone... I always hear good things here... what I need to hear... and, maybe I don't always listen right away, but... you know, those things that I try to ignore, the things I don't *want* to hear, come back to me later, pop into my mind when I need it.
Sorry if I'm driving y'all insane lately with all my crazy insane rambling... trying to remember "keep it simple" but that seems like it's the hardest one to let sink in
Lisa, You have come a long way from where you were when you first posted. We all care about you. I'll pray for you that your HP will guide you through this. Glad to hear that you are keeping thoughts of drinking at bay. That will help you to do what you need to do. May He give you strength and courage. Sometimes these things are presented to us for our own self growth. And yes as Miller2 stated handing them over/up to HP does trully help. Answers may not be clear to us at times Patience to keep "plugging away" until they do seems to be a requirement. Anyway for all you struggle with at present know there are many prayers being said by many for you. Hugs, Wanda
