Yeah Phil my friend..that's why I'm always on guard. It is scary that after so long as a drinker and almost half as long trying to get and STAY sober, it seems so simple...as I've said, a part of my past. But maybe, just maybe, it's true. I KNOW I'll ALWAYS be an alcoholic and that I can NEVER taste the stuff again...but I have no desire to. I hope it stays that way and I wish every alkie here and everywhere who is giving up the demon could feel this feeling of freedom without the constant angst or fight against the desire to drink again.

I can't say and don't think I've got it by the tail. I've felt that way a couple of times before when I sobered up and I know where that led...absolute failure. The "easy" part is that I virtually never think about imbibing. And the very few times I've had the thought it was immediately put aside by the knowlegde of where it would lead. So it's like there's no temptation. I don't want to do that to me anymore. I like/love myself and my life too much to do that to me again...and I think that last sentence holds the key, at least for me.

You see, when I first became disabled and lost EVERYTHING I had ever wanted and worked for in my life, I went down the tubes with depression I didn't realize I was in, and a feeling of worthlessness of not being able to work and be productive at the career I had worked near a quarter century to excel at. And I did excel at it. I was "worth" something as a productive human being. And I wasn't worth shit in my own eyes when I wasn't.

Now, I have transferred my metal and tool and die making skills to something a lot lighter. Wood. I make things at the relaxed pace that I have to..but I MAKE/CREATE things! People want my products and from that I have regained a sense of personal value. I believe that this has/is helping me in a tremendous way. And even if people didn't want my creations, I still have the joy of making them... the act of artistic expression. I love my job. It works for me. And that's what I think is helping to make it "easy" for me now.....

...BUT I"M ALWAYS ON GUARD!!! (because none of us alkies will ever have it ((sobriety)) "made".)

Thanks Phil...Timbo

An edit to this:  I said that depression and a feeling of worthlessness was, I thought, the source.  Well...that was in retrospect but half of it.  The other half, and probably the worse, was the self-pity.  Poor Tim.  Lost it all and can't do a thing about it.  Have another drink and pity me.  Glad THAT is in my past.  I must have been a really miserable soul to be around.  TE

-- Edited by timverton at 04:10, 2007-05-29