No, no thoughts of drinking... just... this is tough, doing the family thing... it's a heck of a lot easier to live 12 hours away and just talk to them on the phone a couple times a week lol I do love seeing my family, but I can only take so much... even when I lived here I could only take so much, I might have come over to my mom's 2 or 3 times a week, but, was able to leave after 3 or 4 hours at least when I felt I needed to. Part of the decision moving to Nebraska was the lack of support here from my family, and that I would've been moving in with my dad and I didn't think I could handle it, I couldn't have I don't think, being with them gets to me too much.
Being back here... it brings back those old feelings being around my family... They don't understand AA, they don't understand that I need meetings, my mom is acting upset that although I spend all day here at her house, I leave in the evening for a meeting. She said tonight that I don't need to go to meetings every day, and no, I don't need them *every* day, but my homegroup here is my family of choice, and I want to see them too, and I think spending all day here at my mom's, then going across town for the evening shouldn't be a big deal...
Then there's how... well, when my older brother and his family comes in town, it's like everyone drops everything, they want to see him, spend time with him, my dad even actually turns off the tv and talks with him (when I was at my dad's, he was sitting in front of the tv and hardly said a word to me)... my sister's been here at my mom's too during the day, and my mom spends the day talking with my sister who she sees all the time, and practically ignoring me, yet gets upset when I head into town for a meeting. And it's not that I want to be the center of attention, but I mean, I've been gone 4 months, and they act like they could care less that I'm here.
And... I put on a bit less of an act with them now, because I don't need to act so much, because I'm actually happy now, I don't have to *pretend* that things are ok... yet I feel like they're constantly judging me... I feel like I have to walk on tip toes sorta
I dunno... just being here with them, it brings back old feelings... my roommate said just show them how well I'm doing, don't give them any reason to question me and my move to Nebraska, keep my head up, shoulders high, etc... and I'm trying...
I feel bad, cuz I'd rather spend my time in Memphis with friends and my homegroup, than to be down here with family... and I feel guilty every time I go into town for a meeting or when I've gotten back to my mom's late because I stayed after the meeting talking to people and my mom seems upset... she seemed more upset that I went to 2 meetings tonight, but I couldn't tell her that the second one, after I went to my homegroup, was so I could pick up my 1 month chip cuz I didn't tell them I relapsed... if they asked, I'd tell them, but they don't ask about my sobriety.
It should be little easier after tomorrow... I'll be staying at my sister's tomorrow until I go back to Nebraska on Tuesday.... and she won't complain or make me feel guilty if I go meetings or to see friends... at least I hope she won't.
When I go down to Calif., where my whole family is,(and where I did all my partying), I take my visits one day at a time, truly. I usually try to spend several nights at my sponsor's rather than home. It isn't that there is any antagonism involved, I just find it's best for me to be sleeping somewhere else, as old dynamics kick in when I'm home, and everyone seems to forget I'm well into my fifties and no longer a practicing drunk. Old habits, I think especially for my folks, are really hard to break. So, to keep things good, I save up before I visit and if I have to, I'll stay in a motel. With several of my children down there, and some old friends, it isn't usually necessary if I come alone. But I always know the option is there. Nobody wants to believe we've really begun to grow up and can make our own choices now. I use my visits as a reminder of how to behave when my own kids come and visit me, LOL. I dont tell them what to eat, when to go to bed, or who they can spend time with now. My parents are almost eighty, so I dont fuss with them about it. I'm always afraid that my visit will be the last one that we'll all be together, and I have a date when I know I'll be coming home. Remember we're here for you, and on your next visit, let me know in advance, I'll loan yu my tent, eh? lv, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
*sigh* realized I'm just really homesick tonight... I miss my roommate a *lot*, I miss my friends up there, I miss my meetings in Lincoln and Gretna, although I do love going to my old homegroup here... I miss my dog, and my little baby birds... my roommate said my dog's perking up a little now, but stays on the bed most the day watching out the window for me to come home, he said if anything ever happened to me, my dog would be devastated, she'd lose it... she's so attached to me.
I hate being here in the city, I hate the traffic, I hate getting lost (yes, I lived here all my life and still get lost here, got lost last night and tonight lol)... ready to get back to small town farm life, sitting on the front porch enjoying *cool* weather, watchin the chickens, listenin to Jenny the Guinea hollerin all day, watchin the dogs play... I even miss the dusty gravel roads lol
Thinking it's a good thing I flew down here, or I'd be driving back early lol I did that even going to my brother's for a weekend in arkansas, I'd leave early as I could on Sunday to get back home... I just don't travel well... I like to be at home, with my own daily routine and my meetings, and my critters...
This just isn't home anymore... that tells me I'm in the right place up in Nebraska... I don't feel like I belong down here, I *hate* Memphis, always have... I got homesick a little when I moved up there in January... but... am so much more homesick for Nebraska and everything there now that I'm back here for this visit... everyone here thought I'd come running home after a few months... but... don't think I could stand to be here longer than a week now.
Yeah, I'm supposed to stay with a friend one night while I'm here too... maybe my sponsor will let me stay with her some too... but... I worry that my family will think I don't want to see them, if I'm staying with friends instead... they just don't get it. I mean, my mom's already gotten upset that I'm going to meetings while down here and that I want to see my old homegroup and friends.
I shouldn't be staying up so late while I'm down here... but... need this time to myself I guess, and with friends online, and talking to my roommate online... to keep me sane lol
Thought I should be a bit happier tonight, getting my chip and all... but... I dunno... just too homesick right now...
you're right, I need to take it one day at a time... that's the only way I'll get through this trip.
Lisa, For what it is worth....... You've come along way from where you were in alot of ways.... That is what is percieved over these past few months reading your posts. You had a slip a while back and you yourself right back "up" and onto the path (of sobriety). Rah! Whether one drinks or not others cannot determine "our" life's path. With the help of our HP we can discover our individuality. It may be totally different from what our parents "thought" it would be/is. I've known people who had college degrees, went into careers that those degrees had prepared them for........only to be some of the unhappiest people in the world. Some realized it and left those top $ paying jobs for ones that were meager in comparison doing what within made them feel whole/happy and fulfilled. Those around them could not understand these turnabouts. Something within led them this path. That perhaps is what is going on...... Life in NB may very well be your path whether your parents accept it or not. Ultimately though it is your desicion. It maybe too that there is a little bit of a "trust" issue going on with your family. If before you left alcohol was consuming your life it probably had been of concern for your parents. Leaving at night there may be thoughts that you are covering up/trying to mask consumption. They may be skeptical..... Don't let it bother you. It may take time for your family to accept the "changes" in you. They may still be "seeing" you as you were before you left TN....in the earliest steps.....towards sobriety. Keep going to the meetings.....hang tuff in sobriety regardless of anyone's opinion. AND Congratulations on that 1 mo. chip. You're doing it!!!!!! Rah! Rah!
Thanks for sharing with us, Lisa. You're doing the right things & you're following your heart. Going to the meetings feels selfish & ignorant of other things sometimes & we can feel guilt as we could be so selfish in the past but this is different. It's for the right reasons & you're doing it so that you can learn to be someone better to be with. We can't control how others view our recoveries so we carry on simply doing it for ourselves. It's incredibly personal to us & the beautiful things we experience as a result can take some time to peter through to sharing joy with our family but it does happen. It will happen for you in little ways that you'll learn to recognise. Give them time. You're changing & it will take time for them to maybe notice. You'll notice first & be grateful. These will be your own joys & you can be glad to have your family in your life & for you to be there for them in a much healthier way. Families can be hard anyway as we're such different people but I'm sure they're trying to change too in their own ways. Keep an eye out for it ;) They've got the same desire for love as you. I hope you can have some fun with them. Enjoy your meetings. J4T, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
learning wrote:It maybe too that there is a little bit of a "trust" issue going on with your family. If before you left alcohol was consuming your life it probably had been of concern for your parents. Leaving at night there may be thoughts that you are covering up/trying to mask consumption. They may be skeptical..... Don't let it bother you. It may take time for your family to accept the "changes" in you. They may still be "seeing" you as you were before you left TN....in the earliest steps.....towards sobriety. Keep going to the meetings.....hang tuff in sobriety regardless of anyone's opinion. AND Congratulations on that 1 mo. chip. You're doing it!!!!!! Rah! Rah!
Learning... funny thing is, my family didn't see my drinking. I drank through my teenage years and they had no idea. I went to clubs every weekend when I turned 18, came home drunk, and went straight to my room, they had no idea I was coming home drunk. My mom has actually told me she doesn't believe I'm an alcoholic, doesn't think I need meetings, that I'm just looking for something else to be wrong with me. But, of course, they did see what drinking did to me I guess, how I distanced myself from them, although I was distant from them even before the drinking, even as a young child I kept to myself and didn't interact with my family much unless I had to.
I had 5 months sober when I moved to Nebraska, but my life was still a mess in a lot of ways, between my screwed up marriage, being on psych meds, depression, suicide attempts... And... they felt then that I was pushing them away to go to meetings, I didn't come over as much, or left early to go to meetings... I had started trying to turn things around last fall, trying to get my life on track, I started looking into school and stuff, and when I told my mom that, she blew it off, asked if I'd actually do it.
Really, no matter what, I'll never be good enough for my mom, I'll never do things "right" enough for her... that's something I have to accept.
I went to my homegroup here again tonight... my mom got upset cuz I stopped by her work to get her to change my watch battery and so I could buy some jewelry cleaner, and she was about to get a dinner break, but I knew my old sponsor would be at the meeting tonight and I had to go to get across town to the meeting. God, I feel so guilty... cuz I know it seems like I'm choosing my homegroup here over family... and honestly in a way I am really... but... the only support I had down here was my homegroup... and I see them for maybe an hour and a half a day... wish my family could understand.
Lisa, have you hooked up with a new Sponsor yet? You could be missing a little unconditional love :) 'Obviously' this has to come from ourselves first & we get this from our Step4&5 where we learn to accept ourselves & our defects, learning what they are & then practicing accepting & letting them go. I only ask as I'm working on mine at the moment & it's helping me find some peace! There's a lot of rue & regret in your words & it sounds like you may be giving your power away by wishing your family different. I can relate to what you say in its wishfulness as I'm recognising where I have had an attitude of self~pity in the past with mine (well everything really! lol) Self~pity for me was a strategy to try & get what I wanted by demanding others treat me a certain way or respect me. It was self defeating & made me selfish & ignorant to what they may have actually wanted or thought they wanted. I'm sure they want for you to be happy though it's not worth us projecting what we think they want. The program helps us to accept our family's attitudes but most of all it helps us to accept ourselves & find our inner~peace. You're doing the right things. Don't worry! Good luck for you in recovery, Danielle x
Ps. Please forgive if I've said anything too forward.. I'm still learning humility & only just learning what my defects can be. Think I'll add arrogance & impetuosity! Hope you're having some better days, Dx
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 18:44, 2007-05-27
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
lisa, i envy your farm life, your animals and dogs..it sounds so awesome and there is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. you have had so much healing in putting some distance between yourself and family. you so clearly love the farm its no wonder u would be terribly homesick. i think you are doing really great. youre a good girl and deserve all the best. the best part of being away on a trip is the coming home. you take care. love and blessings to you
Yes Danielle, I have a sponsor... who I really need to call and check in with lol I've been so busy all week, I called her wednesday to let her know I got here safe... and haven't called her since... We're starting the 4th step when I get home...
I'm feeling a bit better, had a good weekend... birthday meeting at my old homegroup, then my stepmom's birthday party... I actually sang kareoke there! lol (And yes I was sober lmao)... then family reunion yesterday... oh my god my little neice is growing so much! She's crawling all over the place, and she's so big now I couldn't hold her long before my back started killing me... She's 10 months now... She'll be walking before I see her again.
Glad to hear you have your Sponsor & plan on checking in, Lisa. I find things can fall by the wayside but are quickly retrievable when I pick the phone back up for a chat or to plan a meet. Good luck with your Step4&5! I have to say it's not the 'cure all' I was initially hoping for but I'm recovering from my perfectionism & taking great heart in 'Progress not Perfection!' I hope you find some peace :) Your weekend sounded like lots of fun! Here's to many more days of it ;) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
