This is the second time i've read these words in the space of 20 mins !

I've been having a little trouble with my ex and his visits with our daughter. From november to march he only managed one visit ( his girlfriend was pregnant due in feb, had baby on 23rd) so he is claiming extreme circumstance. I hadn't challenged him over this but suggested we made the visits on the last fri of every month instead of 4 weekly in order to keep it simple and regular. As his first visit approached he tried to change it as he gets his social security money every two weeks and this wasn't the one, i stood my ground explaining that i was often skint and this was part of life, he argued that he would not be able to afford to take her anywhere and that she would be disappointed i stood firm and said that disappointment was also part of life and perhaps it would be healthy for them to experience it together. He was abusive but then called and confirmed arrangements. Then he is doing it again this month only using our daughter to carry the message he made arrangements with her uncle to visit an activity centre then sent her home to ask if she would be permitted to go. I told her no that we had made an agreement to adhere to the last fri of each month to keep it simple and regular. He reacted and accused me of messing with our daughters head that it was just baddness that was driving me he again became abusive told me to f off and hung up. I wondered why this activity had to be on that day so i checked out the centre and it seems it is open 7 days a week for 12hours a day and each day offers 8 opportunites for this activity. There was another call, i made the greatest effort to keep my voice low and spoke slowly pausing and breathing so i could respond, it was  incredibly frustrating, i explained that the visits were to be adhered to for simplicity and regularity.....I've never missed a visit he insisted....i higlighted the lack of visits between nov-march......that is extreme circumstance my girlfriend was having a baby !..........it then very quickly deteriorated into he'd go and see his lawyer after all i was under court order to allow visitation......I pointed out that he was under order to maintain regular visits....... However it only led to further abuse which i said i wouldn't stand for when things didn't go his way and the end result was that i would not allow any further visits and would await word from his lawyer. Not the result i had hoped for, in my opinion he is a child and his relationship with her is about him however i do believe it is important for her to have a relationship with him, i now feel like crap and have tried to take my inventory around this but am confused i believe i intended and made a great effort for the best result but i also believ i cannot allow him to abuse me or chop and change arrangements around his every whim.
Where is the good in all this???? 

After all of the above Phil i have chosen to let it go. What you have said are all the things i ask myself..... am i trying to control his relationship with her ? Or am i simply not accepting the unacceptable ie his tantrums when it doesnt all go his way ? I did really try to remove myself from the insanity and wonder what my alternative is, let him run the show? Accomodate his every whim? This is not really driving me nuts it is actually causing me saddness that we were unable to resolve this. I think i accepted a long time ago that i cannot change him and don't even care enough to try. I have gone through the transition of overcompensating my daughter for his let downs but recognised what i was doing and am vigil around that. I agree with all that you said Phil but it is my part i am confused about and could this have been avoided ? If you see it please tell it to me straight i need to hear it.

 Thank you .......... that really does help.