I am on a quest for answers, though deep down I know I am probably on an endless journey. Your insight, however, could possibly help. I am a member of Al-anon and my AH has been sober from alcohol/drugs for almost 4 mos. We recently seperated, for another of his addictions was an A girlfriend and the temptation was too great. When he first came home from rehab, he acknowledged that is what she was and promised to treat her as such, but he has fallen back into talking to her (and probably more). Thus, I kicked him out, but he wanted to go. He started out with about 50 days of AA and then suddenly stopped. I think he aims for once a wk now, but I doubt he even does that. He also refused to continue marriage and individual counseling. He decided he doesn't want to be defined as an alcoholic. He has a wonderful friend/sponsor waiting for him, but he avoids him like the plague. I believe much of the avoidance has to do with knowing he will need to confess his "sins" and that is just too much for him to acknowledge right now let alone share them with someone else. I also believe that it is the heaviness and guilt of his wrongdoings that makes him so unhappy. I've heard "don't make any major decisions for 60 days" and "he's still changing"... I've also heard that denial in early recovery is "normal". I consider him a "dry drunk". I know everyone's story is different, but I just wonder if there is a general period of time of adjustment to sobriety and acceptance, or if I am just extending the pain by not moving forward with divorce. What am I waiting for and how do I know when to proceed? I'd appreciate hearing from those of you who've been there.
At the risk of sounding like George W. Bush.... there really isn't a timetable for recovery. Or what degree of recovery will happen beyond simply putting the plug in the jug.
The important thing to remember is that it is YOUR choice. Whenever an alcoholic is involved, it's more like gambling than science, and the science of gambling says the house usually wins. A responsible gambler doesn't bet more than he or she can afford to lose. So... just some things to think about.
And you have the option of not playing the game, keeping your chips in your pocket and getting on with your life. It's not an easy decision. Remember you can postpone the decision. Or change your mind.
Sometimes when a person gets sober, they become a different person... even if it's nothing "bad", it might not be the person that their significant other fell in love with.
I'd be in over my head if I gave any sort of "advise" regarding your situation as a whole. What I can say is how sorry I am you are going through this.
It was many many months for me, after sobering up, before there was any clarity in my thinking. I know it, literally, took me a few years to even recognise a healthy relationship, and even today I am still working at staying aware of myself and my agendas in that area.
As an alanon member, I imagine you already know how important it is to detach from the A as a matter of mental survival. When we practice our disease, be it dry or wet, we drag those closest to us into our own insanity. What you need to do is look within to see what is right for you, and you only. You cant predicate your own future on what may or may not happen with your spouse. In early sobriety, we are still dancing and trying to sort out what is real for us and what is old thinking. It is a confusing time for us, and I imagine an even more confusing time for the people that are in our lives. So many people are touched by our disease, and sadly, we make those around us near as sick as we are.
I can only suggest that you spend some time in reflection, and decide whether you want your own life on hold while these things get worked through, or whether you need to, for your own sake, move on and find a healthier place in the world. It's a "one day at a time" for you, also. So take care of number one first, and see how each day is unveiled for you. Do what is right for you, now. Do you have an alanon sponser? She/he and others in alanon would be able to tell you what worked for them in similar situations. Our view is going to be limited to an A's view, which may not be of any help to you. Good luck with this, and please let us know how you are doing. Chirs
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Yes, I've been a doormat, but a doormat with 3 kids. That's what keeps me hanging in and hoping, willing, waiting... It is also what has enabled him, for it is my dire protection of our children that I do not tell others and the other woman's husband that he is an unfaithful alcoholic. He banks on my loyalty. "Coming out" would probably change some things in a hurry, but the emotional impact on the kids and almost certain negative effect on our business wouldn't make it worth it. Ultimately I know that it is best if all change was of his own volition anyhow. Don't think I haven't tried...
And yeah, it is hard to realize I deserve better. Heck, he's all I've known. We became "grown-ups" together and our lives are completely intertwined. Any type of permanent separtation will be messy, messy, messy.... Of course now I know he's been an alcoholic and drug user for pretty much our whole marriage (16 yrs), and I still find it astounding that it snuck up on me. Denial, what a powerful thing...
Wren, I posted before I saw your reply. It's interesting what you say about sorting our what is real vs old thinking. I see that struggle in my AH a lot, and I'm afraid that by not going to AA and talking to his sponsor and just commisurating with a fellow active A, it is the old thinking that will stick and the guilt will drive him back to the substances. Ugh...
What drives me nuts is that now he is all I thought I wanted him to be, which is sober, healthier (lost 40lbs), sleeping, putting family (kids) above work... but we don't have the marriage to support it and he has no desire to make it so. Makes me sad and I am so full of woulda, coulda, shouldas which makes it difficult. I know I didn't cause the alism, but I certainly helped it progress. While I don't even know if I even want to stay in our marriage at this point because I know that I can never trust him again, I am willing to do all I can to earn my way out and go out knowing I made my best effort. I feel I owe that to our kids. Apparently, he does not.
So, for now it really is "one day at a time". I kind of have a sponsor in that I have someone to talk to who has great experiences to share, but her AH has been recovered for 17yrs (my AH's sponsor) and she is not really sure what to "do". For now just having her to call works for me, but I do wonder how to really "work" the program. I'm going to try and figure it out. I'm sure she'll help me. Thanks.
I apoligize for comming on a bit strong with my reply to you Hanginin...
Youre post triggered a few memories...and a bit of anger came to the surface...
I do understand..what you are going through...
Im one of those ...that have,..had to learn..how to live sober.and that includes Alanon.......taking the hard road...and when any pain got bad enough ..I had to surrender...
And when Im looking for answers....they dont come from me...
Theyve come from a Higher Power......however the answers do come..when I let go...
And denail and what is real.and acceptance....are a big part of that..
I personally wish you all the best...with love..one day at a time...
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Hi Hangin... welcome... Try to focus on what is fact... and what you KNOW... Our minds play powerfull roles in our lives. Are all these FACTS.... Or fears... ?
he has fallen back into talking to her (and probably more).
I think he aims for once a wk now, but I doubt he even does that.
I believe much of the avoidance has to do with knowing he will need to confess his "sins" and that is just too much for him to acknowledge right now.
I also believe that it is the heaviness and guilt of his wrongdoings that makes him so unhappy.
I consider him a "dry drunk".
When I face a decision such as you are... I do just what I believe in my heart that my higher power would want me too. Only you can say what you are waiting for... mabye a happy ending? Im speaking from the other side of the fence, hoping to offer some ESH... IM the alcoholic.... My wife and I seperated.... No happy ending, But- We've BOTH learned to accept, thus no lingering malice... no more pain... no resentments. We love each other as individual humans should love one another.. the kids love us both, and we them. But the marriage dissolved. It's the best of a worse case scenario... and... it's OK. Hang in there.
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
Aaaahh... you are so right on! It is the fears more than the facts right now that are killing me and consume my thoughts. I feel so compelled to get the answers, to just ask, but I know that is silly. If he validates my fears I then will have fact to worry about, and if he denies them, I have no reason to believe he is telling the truth so I will still be upset. It makes me crazy, and as much as I know the logic of it, I don't know that I will be able to control myself. Hmmm, perhaps that is the process an A goes through?
I guess I am just tired of being a fool and the continual spin of "surprises". Every time I think it can't get any worse... And yes, I am waiting for a happy ending, one that probably is not going to come. Our kids are unhappy, and it bothers me that they won't talk to their dad about their feelings and shield him from the pain that he is so much a part of creating.
I know without a doubt that my God is my only answer. I prayed all day today to be able to let go and give all my burdens to Him, as well change my heart into a happier, more peaceful one. I'm still waiting....
One thing you said made bells ring - you want to 'earn your way out', meaning that you do want out but would feel guilty at this point. But earning your way out means that you are guaranteeing your own failure,, so why bother doing that? It does seem you are 'reacting' a lot to projections of what might be. Some of the recoverying alkies here gave you some good insights into the confusion that they go through early in recovery,, the craziness that affects those around them. I'm no exception to that. You are saying that he does not want to work on the marriage now,, and marriages do take work. Maybe he feels like it is alll just tooo much right now, and he is not ready for all of that,, including your expectations, doubts, needs, and all of that. Maybe that will improve and maybe it won't. But,,, we say that we live in the present,, and not in the future. Letting go means of control,, you can't control him,, but have to 'accept' that he is very confused right now,, and balking at his own uncertain future. The kids need you, and you need to be stable enough to be the de facto head of the household until he shows,, if he shows that he is committed to recovery. No one is perfect,, progress and not perfection,,, but meanwhile,, do what you have to do,,, and only you know what that is.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Remember, drinking is only a 'symptom' of deeper underlying issues. If we don't address those issues once the alcohol is ceased, then we have little to gain, and much to lose.
For me, there were multiple intertwined addictions: alcohol, a multitude of drugs, sex, power, men in general!
I can look back and laugh now, but rest assured, it was NOT funny back in 1978 when hubby #1 and I were married. It's not conducive to a healthy marriage if you can't keep your pants up for your husband only. Alcohol = infidelity for me. He was smart, filed the divorce papers and never looked back.
I carried my addictions to sex and unhealthy men many years into recovery from alcohol/drugs.
You do what you need to do for yourself and your children. That's all I can suggest.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
