hi all, i have been on this board before. and i am active in alanon (although i don't go as often as i should.) i take care of myself the best i know how the my A's active drinking...go browsing at barnes and noble, go to the lake, do things with the adult children, read, go online and such. i very rarely comment one way or another on what he is doing and his downhill spiral. i am not his mother and i don't want to take his inventory. he was very involved with AA for 3 years and knows what to do. this morning he wanted to be intimate and i complied. (didn't feel it tho) later, when he was going to work, i made the comment that he should call his friend and go to a meeting tonight. after i said it, i couldn't stop. i said "you're beginning to look like an "acoholic" you are on a downhill spiral" i was matter of fact . of course he denied it. he just left and i feel like shit for even commenting. i don't know what got into me. guess i'm not doing as good as i thought.have a lump in my throat. better get to a meeting. thanks for letting me get this out.
sometimes there is a fuzzy fine line between what we call 'enabling', which means helping another person to avoid the consequences of their behavior,, and really helping. it's odd how we don't consider helping each other in the program as bad,, look how supportive we all are here on these boards,, encouragment, advice, sharing of experience,,, but when it comes to our own families.. we think we have to cut them off and take care of only ourselves. Even to the point where someone is on a downhill spiral and dies.. yes, dies.
We misunderstand the principles of the program if we think we have to just passively and silently let someone destroy themselves and the family silently while we take care of ourselves. We show our concerns within the program, and learn how to love and support each other,, and this is supposed to go into a Step 12,, carrying the message. does this exclude carrying the message to our families? not at all!
Ther is also something called an intervention. We had a case a few years ago,, where we finally did get it together to suggest and intervention, and gave a referral to get local professional help,, but it was too late.. the guy died.
Your post looks like you kind of woke up a bit during or after that intimacy to care enough to cry out to him.. 'something is wrong!' and maybe that is what needs to be done... the first part of an intervention.
it is true that you can't control him,, nor should you try to control him,, but... showing that you care about him is not control,,, it is love. But.. how you show him that you care,, and how you try to help,,, in healthy and constructive ways,, and we learn to care about each other in the program,,, is important. can you avoide babying him? demeaning him? and try to 'support' him as we learn to do in this 'support' program ?
twynaltr,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Alanon calls it Love and Detatchment....which simply means...that we do not have to get ourselves all wrapped up in another persons insanity...and react insanely also...
We do not cut ourselves off ...with hate and resentment...
If...we are working our program properly...
There is no doubt in my mind that...Nursedebbie...is doing just that..:)
We are powerless over another persons active alcoholism...
Of course..I do agree that theres a time for intervention....if someone is going to harm themselves....or the alcoholic, is not going to get things turned around...
However this post simply asks.."Should I say anything about his behavior?"
Thats pretty simple..
Experience strength and hope.....
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Your last reply Phil pretty much sums it up. It is sooooo easy to be sucked into the insanity of someone's addiction, whether it be alcohol or drugs, ect. We love them this we know and we want for them the best. Our senses tell us that he/she/they are going down a road that is destruction. We see the physical changes....... and we do everything within our power to attempt to stop it all......even anger via words or other forms that we hope will turn things around. Yet at some point....after having exhausted every possible avenue and in doing so "exhausted" ourselves we realize we have to "let go" and allow whatever consequences come to those loved ones because it IS their choice......drink. We can continue to express our views (in kinder gentler or even subtler ways) and if the problem drinker in our lives ignores any/all of what we try to express then YES it is his/her/their problem. Debbie......Don't apologize or feel sorry (or like shit) for attempting to say what you witness or feel. You apparently have "detached" in alot of ways. It is his choice!
I totally agree with Phil and Learning. I have a son in law that I love as tho he were my own. Nine years, and he went back out. He went to occassional meetings, but never got a sponsor, never worked the steps. When I saw him begin to "falter", I asked him to take care of himself. Get to meetings. He insisted that hiking and camping were his "meetings". While I can identify with nature being a good spiritual connection, it isn't surrendering. When he continued to drink, I finally had to detach with love. And I told him so---I love you, I am here for you when you're ready. But in the meantime, I cannot cosign what you are doing by being available for you to gibber at while you're drinking. Call me when you're ready. It's called surviving. If you dont do what you need to for yourself, then you'll be pulled right back into the insanity of his world. Just the fact that you are there and havent left says alot. That you are taking care of yourself and going to Alanon says the rest. You have every right to say what is in your heart, Debbie. You cant be expected to do for him what he won't do for himself. He knows the program. As another A, I can remember the games I tried to suck others into my sickness. Everything from guilting them out to anger. You do what's right for you. He's a big boy and will take care of himself. Remember, we are masters of manipulation. You keep doing what you have to do for yourself and your serenity. Take what you need from here, and just pitch the rest. a big hug, Chris
-- Edited by Wren at 16:33, 2007-05-16
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I'm in a situation kind of like this..I am "booming" in my programme (Al-Anon), and he is faltering in his (AA). I see the sign's. The meetings have stopped. Throwing himself into busy, busy, busy. Now hes not going out, is isolating himself. And I am so frustrated by this.....
"Yo, get to a meeting mate" Thats what I want to tell him, But I am "Powerless" over him, can cannot control him, or his actions.
I'm FINALLY, realising the true meaning of detachment, and working on the Letting Go. I hate the situation, I love him, I don't want him to go back down this road.
But Is It worth risking my recovery, in an attempt to try fixing him, when its not going to change anything anyway..
I am praying for him, and asking "The big man" to guide him back to AA...lol
All you can do is be a fantastic example, Ally. Never let someone else's pain distract you from your own joy. This is hard but if you flounder, how can you help? Keep carrying the message in your quiet way & getting the help you need. A.A. is for those who want it, not need it & we are powerless. This doesn't mean we can't be a positive influence in looking after ourselves first.. 'If you want what we have & are willing to go to any lengths....' Give him something to want. The important bit will be that you have it. Best of wishes for your recovery with all the luck & love in the world, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
. of course he denied it. he just left and i feel like shit for even commenting. i don't know what got into me. guess i'm not doing as good as i thought.have a lump in my throat. better get to a meeting. thanks for letting me get this out.
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