My story in a nutshell...

Feel free to laugh at some of it, some of it is kinda funny   And I'm choosing to leave the childhood memoires out (that's a different forum)

For me I started drinking in college, I joined a sorority, the greek life was laced in alcohol which seemed very appealing/somewhat familiar to me.  I wanted to drink because I knew it would free me of my inhibitions.  I wanted to say things without feeling embarrased or unimportant.  It was like when I drank this alter-ego appeared.  Like I could say or do anything, without the feelings associated, when I drank I felt comfortable in my skin.  Granted....that came at a price.  I started doing things that I would never imagine doing while sober.  Breaking in to people's apartment's, kicking people out of the sorority house (ok, so possibly getting a little violent), wanting to jump in rivers (for no apparent reason) oh and did I forget being insanly attracted to the opposite sex....don't ask, but I mean you get the drift, crazy stuff.   Then along came a cute boy who I wanted to date.  So I called him up and asked him out.  I had absoutely no idea how to have a healthy relationship with anyone and it started out extremely rocky.  Things moved very fast, I was very insecure.  One night he wanted to drink with me (ummm OKAY), I agreed because I felt like it would be fun and would be like a bonding experience, he could babysit me and take care of me, right?  Well we went out with a few other friends, I thought I was being very funny and likable, however apparently he nor any of the other's there agreed and we ended the evening early.  The next day he declared me an alcoholic and informed me that I shouldn't drink again.  Now I'm not sure why, but typically if someone were to tell me that I shouldn't do something ever again, I would go out and do it just to prove to them that they don't control me.  But due to the circumstances I agreed and I stopped drinking.  That pretty much concludes my drinking days.  A few drinks here and there afterward, but it fizzled out.  

But now I still had this very weak self-esteem issue going on that I couldn't escape from through alcohol.  Therefore I tried to suck the energy out of everyone I was around, like they had to be there for me, no one else, I was extremely jealous, violently jealous.  I craved attention and had a hard time because I didn't feel comfortable with who I was so I ended up stuffing feelings.  I acted out of fear and re-acted out of anger.  I would intentionally start fights (emotional) because I didn't feel whole and the person I married (my husband) wasn't completing me like I felt he should.    

After a very low (emotional) rock bottom my husband and I were going to seperate.  We just had our second child and had moved to another state.  I felt very alone and abandoned.  We moved next door to a couple who seemed nice, but I did not like the wife, there was something that bugged me about her.  Well needless to say her and I ended up talking due to the fact that our husbands be-friended each other.  I found out she attended al-anon meetings.  I was so desperate to try anything that I asked her if I could get a meeting schedule.  (Her and I are now very good friends now.) 

My father was a non-active alcoholic from the day I was born, until I was eight. (see the parrallels there people?)  Then my mom left him, his parent's both died within a few years, he lost his farm, he hit bottom, drank heavily, ended up moving to arizona, we would visit for the summers, he would be at the bars all the time, no seriously.  Then he was killed in a car accident around Christmas, passenger but blood alcohol 2.58(or somewhere around there).  So after that we lived our lives and I was never around active alcholism until college.  I had no idea how much the disease affected me, until I found al-anon in my late 20's.  Then low and behold after I do some evaluating and reading, I started to really identify with the alcoholic!  Hence here I am.  Realizing that I have a disease and wanting to be completely honest with myself.