When I first showed up, yeah, I wrote long-ass posts partially because of the desire to see if anyone could find anything to say to help me out with finding a reason to stay sober because, well, other than your health I didn't see much reason to. That said, I still really don't - I was a functional alcoholic and not much has really changed since I stopped drinking. Just thought I'd make another post to let people know I am still amongst the sober and I think the state has my back for most of my medical expenses...
Guess this's the part where I should put the lil' disclaimer again: If you don't want to read depressing subject-matter about current events I highly advise you not to read this stuff - Knowing will not change how anything plays out and you and I don't have the power to change anything I speak of (in other words ignorance is bliss in this case)...
On that note, I've kinda' been thinking...
A person who says "The end is near" when nobody else is is either extremely dumb or extremely smart - I guess we'll know which I am within the next year... The thing I've thought about is that it's entirely convenient for people to say "The world's not gonna' end - You're just blowing it all out of proportion!" because if the world does end those words being contradictory don't mean anything while their power while life is here to the person whom it's said to still stands (in other words if the world ends you won't have time to regret ridiculing those who predicted it)...
It's not to say any of the posts really had a ridiculing overtone to 'em, though some were borderline, but that's just something I've thought about since so many people have told me my fear is unrealistic or unnecissary...
Either way, yeah, my "trial period" on sobriety continues and I've found I have to keep my mind less occupied as time goes on to not be drawn to drinking - When I first came on I wrote a lot fairly frequently just to pass the time... Now I'd prolly rather be at the boards at gamefaqs.com since those're more along the lines of what I'm interested in and though I appreciate the support for quitting (or the resistance to starting again) I don't think anybody has a reason that I find significant enough to quit for good unless quitting in its own right is a more enjoyable way of life in the short-term sense...
Well getting back on-topic again, like I said, I came here partially for answers I haven't (or couldn't) find and partially just to pass the time. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that giving anyone who's going through their first days off of liquor anything to respond to on a messageboard helps - Finding ways to pass time and keep your mind occupied on things other than the fact that drinking would take away withdrawal symptoms is beneficial to a person quitting. In that respect, even if you don't think you're getting through to the new people you're still helping them take their mind off of liquor and apply it towards replies to whatever...
Might seem kinda' weird but I noticed that tendencey with me, so even if I do go back to drinking just take my word for it that if you post on here frequently for other new "recoveries" you're prolly doing more a service to them than you think regardless of their reply...
All that said, I think the state has my back for my emergency room bill (based on my income I was told they'd likely pay it all off and that's really good news since I don't have insurance and the bill was over $2000)...
Well, yeah, more babble... Think I gotta' work in the morning so I should probably put my stuff in the dryer and slowly do barrel-rolls as I attempt to get to sleep. Adios for now...
So that poses the question of just how much it would suck to be going through DTs and an earthquake simultaneously. I think that would suck lots and lots.
Well good for you on the $$$ issue- I dont know much about insurance besides that they totally rip me off, they hate to honor legitimate claims and will drag their heels in the hope that I'll get frustrated and just pay it and they have a pretty guaranteed market here in Hawaii because health insurance is provided by the employer by law. But it did seem pretty weak that you'd be denied aid because of your parent's income. I know plenty people with wealthy parents who wouldn't give them a dime.
Also congratulations on the sobriety thing. Whether you appreciate it or not, for a lot of people it's a pretty huge thing. I just left a room full of them- beginner's meeting. I love the beginner's meetings. reminds me where I'm supposed to be and why and what I'm supposed to be doing.
One other thing: the truth is a pathless land. That's Jiddu Krishnamurti. I kind of equate that one a couple different ways, but one idea that's always come to mind is that when you're espousing a truth that might seems radical to a lot of people, you're basically on your own. I know you aren't into it but Jesus was a really good example of a guy getting the shaft for espousing some radical beliefs for the good of the masses. But really- nobody is immune. To plenty people the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Ghandi and Martin Luther King would seem like crackpots- yet to many people they are regarded highly and even revered.
I really hope the world doesn't fall into a big ugly nuclear holocaust anytime soon. I'm really beginning to enjoy myself. When I first got sober every day was a new day but that got old pretty quick and then I started eating really good mostly organic stuff and chowing vitamins and drinking lots of fresh juice and eating lots of fresh vegies and meditating and doing yoga and now I'm just totally feeling like I am operationg on this way high level every morning. I'm all serene and cool and calm in the afternoons too. I'm digging this. It's actually a little bit like I'm high, yet I'm more toxin free than I've ever been since I was a wee little crumb cruncher. Trippy. Also I've been doing these really cool pieces of furniture out of rough slabs of lumber that I'm pretty excited about. I leave them kind of naturally shaped but sand them to mimic a piece of driftwood that has been rounded off over years of the elements but the color is all fresh and crisp- it's pretty alright.
So anyhow- postpone the apocolypse until further notice.
Later- Toby
ps "gamefaqs.com" ??? Seems like that URL could open you up to some cheap shots from the peanut gallery.
Your initial post brought back a lot of memories for me. I really figured that fun and joy would be gone forever if I never drank again. Thus, when I stopped (largely for medical reasons and because of looming losses), this felt like a huge sacrifice. The first 30 days were hell - serious craves. The next 60 were a lot of work and still actively crave fighting. Then came those months where I got my real feelings back and hated them. I could no longer escape or numb myself.
However, somewhere after 6 months, I began to live. I had it pretty good before (can relate to the 'functional" thing), but everything got more intense and much sweeter after some significant real sobriety. I am at a loss to explain it. I occasionally still battle the "how about a drink" demon, even now. I fight that urge, now, in order to keep my sobriety, rather than to keep "not drinking". My sober life, itself, has become something of value and worth fighting for.
Given how I felt at the beginning of my abstinence, I NEVER would have believed it.
People who aren't alcoholic don't try to control their drinking, they drink or they don't drink but they don't give it alot of thought. Trying to control ones drinking is a sure sign of the alcoholic mind. Now you seem like a bright fellow which as previously stated isn't always a good thing for an alcoholic. In AA we have lots of cleaver sayings such as "A alcoholic alone is in bad company" or "A alcoholic alone in his head is in a bad neighborhood" and many more. I would suggest that you read the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" Written by drunks for drunks. In the forward there's a part called "The Doctors Opinion" this wasn't written by drunks but by Doctor William D Silkworth. You may find this and the rest of the book to be of some interest. It's a rather inexpensive book and available in the self help section at most books store and also any AA meeting. Past experimentation has shown that no real alcoholic can become a normal drinker, we've all tried and as the book say if you can do it my hats off to you but I don't think you will be successful but you have to try. Bob.
__________________
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
"I probably am going to make a similar rule to that which I made in college that'll allow me to control my habits if I stick to it such as "only drink if you have the next day off."
aaaaaaaaa.......... I bet THATS never been tried before.
__________________
My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
I sometimes toy with the idea that there are no alcoholics- just obsessive compulsives- and that alcohol is just (in the instance of people referred to as alcoholics) the weapon of choice- that it could be coke or sex or shoplifting or model railroads or video games or adrenaline or about anything else.
Of course it's easier and more productive for lots and lots of people to just stick with the alcoholic idea and not muddy the waters with complicated ass backwards thinking- especially since the solution is so easy and relatively cheap. But I like to mess around with my own head, moving all the independant parts around and seeing how they (hypothetically, for the most part) work in different configurations.
You do your test, Pookistan- and tell us how it works out. But you cant count the first couple times alone- you need variables and an average. And no fair sugar coating the truth if you go down in flames.
I used to have all those rules- they worked a little. I used to drink no more than every third night. Then it became no more than every other night. Then it became no more than two nights in a row. Then I got to every night and I worked more on ways to keep the hangover at bay and rules about trash cans full of empties and buying several six-packs at seperate grocers so no one eventually noticed how much booze I was buying. I find abstinance less complicated and easier to maintain.
You mentioned earlier that you use the beer to "enhance your gaming experience" or something along those lines. Maybe my obsessive compulsive theory isn't so far off the mark. Maybe it's not the booze at all- maybe it's the video games?
Pookistan, I sincerely hope that you are not alcoholic and that your "grand experiment" does not burn you. I really sincerely hope that you do OK. (we are not in the business of "selling" alcoholism, believe it or not).
The only yard stick that I personally have is that of my own experience, wherein I tried all sorts of intricate methods of controlled drinking (some really scientifically sound ones, too). I can tell you, especially early on, that such approaches worked, for awhile. Eventually, though, I always ended up back to drinking as much or more than I'd set out to reduce from. From my first "I am going to cut back" to "I have got to leave it alone for good" took me 20 years - lots of time for plenty of failed experiments. But you know what, AA was here when I started up 25 years ago and AA was still here when I quit for real reasons (myself), and it saved my life and my sanity. I suspect that AA will be here for a long time to come, whenever alkis reach their personal bottoms and are ready for it.
Please do keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. I do want you to be well, whatever works to get or keep you there.
But know, these doors are always open. We will not be judge and jury - that's' not our job (thank goodness - I would not want it to be!). At least you have felt the waters, so to speak, and know where to find us, should that day come - be it now, much later, or never.
I very sincerely wish you the very best, I really do!
That's why you can't convince a alky of anything till they hit bottom and are in so much pain they'll do anything you tell them to. Good luck and take note so if it works you can share the results with the rest of us. Bob.
__________________
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
"Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self- deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about- face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!"
"Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum. "
Yeah and I had to try them all too. Most of us won't admit defeat until we are beaten to a pulp. Recovery start with step One and if your not convinced about your powerlessness and the unmanageablity of your life then your not ready for recovery. Bob.
__________________
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Beggars cant be choosers. Or at least in most instances, anyhow.
Even though the world may end any day now I'm still going to keep a little faith for you, despite the fact that at this point in time you would probably miss the obvious even if it slapped you in the head.
I'm a patient guy. Plus I have the distinct and dubious advantage of having already been where you are.
But I'll tell you this: from your day one here since you first posted I've entertained the idea that you're just a troll, but one thing has kept me from treating you as such, and that is the fact that you seem to be in a lot of pain and helpless to do anything about it. Shit- you seem helpless to recognize it, to do anything about it, to face it as a valid issue- but whatever- it is what it is. And so being a halfway decent guy I'll stick my neck out and risk being made a fool of just on the sole idea that I know how shitty it is to face shit alone- especially the shit that probably looms in your future. It's really easy to pick out from where most of us sit. It's like when I'm at the market getting a dozen eggs and a half gallon of milk and the guys coming home from work come in half lit to pick up a twelve pack and a pint of Captain Morgan and I can tell they're half in the bag without them ever uttering a word. It wasn't that way when I was an active drunk, but it is that way now. It's like a stupid form of telepathy people who are alcoholics have that only other sober-alcs can get. But I see it every day, and I dont hold shit against anyone because I'm far from perfect and because I've been there and I know there's no point in holding anything against anyone- it just is what it is. I just nod my head and feel for the guy and think "Probably be seeing you down the road a way."
You aren't special. You dont outsmart it. Bullshit only gets you so far in anything, but in this especially it gets you nowhere.
If that was aimed at me I'm not on the offensive at all. What I meant was you're only bullshitting yourself- not that no one else buys it but rather it wouldn't matter if they did because the ball's in your hands and your hands only on this particular issue. People can help you but only if you're willing to help yourself.
I just mince words when I run across someone new- like meeting someone for the first time- but after a while I just cut out the extra fluff and get right to the point more.
No- I meant what I said- you do what you have to do, of course people will be waiting to help you if and/or when you decide you need help.
The other day at a beginner's meeting my friend Kealoha tells this kid "Yeah you go back out and drink and use, brah- no worries- because you always know da door is always open." Then he mentions a mutual friend we all had who started using again, got thrown in jail, got out on bail, scored and O.D.ed in a field between the jail and the Heroin dealer and was found three days later. Walter says, "Oh yeah, him- da door slammed shut on dat guy."
Ke speaks a kind of hawaiian pidgen slang that made it sound much more eloquent than it looks in print, but the message is clear. He was saying- sure- go out and use and wait til the last minute to get help, but no tears from you if you find yourself and your vehicle wrapped around a telephone pole or frozen in the snow outside a bar or drowned in your bathtub or some pointless end like that. That's what he was saying.
But how much trouble can you get in sitting in front of the tube playing video games, right?
Sad thing is, I really dont know any more than you do. Those guys up there^^^^ that don't respond so much the way you think would be of help to you, they have WAAAAAY more experience at this stuff than I do. I'm just a silver tongued devil is all.
But whatever works- that's what I've heard from a lot of old timers. Whatever works.
"Nobody on this board has had any way of making me believe complete sobriety is the better choice in the midst of what I believe to be the last few months of everyones lives..."
This is probably more for me as a reminder of what sobriety has done but... At 36 I had absolutely nothing... I lived on the third floor of my sisters house with a futon for a bed, a black and white TV perched on a milkcrate, two shirts, maybe a couple of pairs of pants. This was living large for me. My friends at Ye Olde Kinvara Pub, both of them, thought I was on the verge of wetbrain. Today? I'm sober and happy, and thank God that this is so. I've got a beautiful wife, two wonderful kids (Sheila - 2 and Liam 5 -months) a great job and prospects for the future. In 11 years I've gotten my M.ed, have had the opportunity to write, play baseball again, travel, and am now working on my doctorate in Urban Education. Wetbrain? I think not. I've got friends. Doctors, teachers, homemakers, custodians, housepainters, musicians, homeless, actors, laborers- almost all sober and happy. This may not even make a dent in your thinking, but it sure has in my mine. A better choice? Please. If the world's gonna end, I'm hanging out with these two below. A bit better than x-box I'd say.
It does not take daily drinking to be alki, so daily parties would not be a prereq... It brings back memories though, if I had a "never alone" rule about my drinking (and I probably did that), you can bet that I found a party every darned day - such was the degree of genius of this alki, if not my inherent "popularity".
During several of my experiments in controlled drinking, it was not as if, after a period of abstinence, that the very 1st day back at the drink led to mayhem. I could drink just one or two - see, not alcoholic! Somehow though, over the next few days or weeks, I would find myself right back where I'd been before. Since the return was so insidious, I always questioned whether or not I could be...
I still had trouble believing it (I was still quite "functional", you see), even after weeks of this sobriety. I unintentionally did an experiment about 7 months in that DID finally convince me though. To shut some execs up about my not drinking (go figure - peer pressure at my age?) I let them pour me a sip of expensive wine. I did not drink it, just had a glass there. For two weeks after, I was right back at the crave stage like I was that 1st 30 days after stopping - without drinking any! No normal person does that, obsesses over a drink after nearly touching one. I have finally accepted defeat by the ethanol molecule after that, trust me.
Remember - only YOU will/will be able to decide if you are or just might be alcoholic - period. A lot in what you have said is SO familiar to many of us. Many of us, knowing what we do now, so wish we would have started recovery "back then" instead of pressing on - it would have spared us much pain. I think most here are sincere in wanting to help, to prevent such suffering for you, if they can (which, we should recall, is not realistic).
I just hope that, if in the future (be it near or far), IF you do hit a bottom, that you are not turned off to AA, but recall some open mindedness and genuine kindness here.
I also hope that you really enjoy this current spell of sobriety - however long you choose to hang onto it.
Yo baby! Chill!! Lots of different personalities here for a common goal. You dawg! We are here for you. Of course, staying sober by spreading the word to you is not too shabby either. Believe it or not, nobody is mad at you. Not even us old grouchy bastards. We have been expecting you and we also expect you to be the way you are. I am not all that eloquent so bear with me while I attempt to identify with you. I am not a gamer. Let's say I was on a gaming board with an idea to sweep a particularly high level of difficulty game. By sweep, I mean do well and win or whatever the goal of gaming is. The minor problem being, that my idea has been tried by basically every gamer on the board and has been proven time in and time out, not to work for the long run of the game. OK, gamers are a nice enough bunch, and most explain gently and describe their experiences with the same strategy, and how it simply does not work. I explain that the way I am going to employ the strategy is different and I should be able to pull it off. Do you see where I am going with this? As far as the condescending tone goes. Come on. You got a shit job, you don't have your own place, you have been recently hospitalized for alcohol consumption, you have admitted to having blackouts, and you got a little bit thin skinned at people picking out your shortcomings. It's normal. No one among us is any better than you. In fact, we are just like you. You belong with us. Just go with it. Embrace us and come with the fold. Go to AA and don't drink alcohol. When you get a recovery program in place, your life and job and relationships with family and romance will improve. If it is already good, it will just get better. That's what it is all about. Getting better.
I have a question. Why are you here? This is a recovery board based on the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. What do you expect here? All the regulars here have admitted that they are Alcoholic and the only solution for them is to not take that first drink. Alcoholics Anonymous has helped thousands of Men and Women recover from Alcoholism over the last 70 years. What do you expect recovering Alcoholic to say to you except don't drink, go to AA meetings and work the Steps? You're at least the 3rd person in the last 30 days to come here and rationalize their drinking. You say that some of us here are closed minded and condescending and that may be, but maybe you need to look into the mirror and own your part. Bob.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 12:46, 2007-04-15
__________________
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Hey Pooki. Wake the F*#$ up. It's morning. Sun's up. Daylight's burning bro. Turn off the PS2 and go outside and run around the block. Get some fresh air for that brain of yours. Just in case the world doesn't end as previously written in this week's TV Guide. That episode has been pre-empted for a made for TV special about living out the rest of your life in relative security and happiness. You know- dog, freinds, latest version of Tony Hawk pro skater 79 (I can tell you a thing or two about Tony, BTW- when I was like 16 and he was like 13 we used to hang around Del Mar Skate Ranch and hold little tony upside down by his ankles and empty the change out of his pockets. But that's another psychotic rant entirely.)
There's nuts chicks at AA. Serious. (and I mean yeah- they're all nuts- who isnt?) But I mean you know the hot girls in school that were at all the parties? Well.... But no- serious. Just FYI- a lot of people have this narrow little view about AA and instead of helping themselves they grumble about a room full of losers proselytizing to each other and reliving their failures ad nauseum. So I shined AA for the longest time and made excuses about what a private person I am and how I have a business to run and dont have time and all kinds of other stupid bullshit. Because I am a) intelligent enough to be able to halfway bullshit myself (but sharp enough to not buy my own bullshit 100%) and b) because I'm stubborn.
And so I finally have a weekend when the girl and the kid are off island at her mom's and I get two of those cubes of 30 coors lights (I should have quit the day I stooped to buying Coors lights- ostensibly because my Sapporos were adding a little bulge to my midsection but really I could drink twice as many Coors Lights before I passed out, which seemed handy at the time.)
And so I'm working on my kitchen- replacing the cabinets and counters, alone at home for a few days and drunk by noon using power tools (brilliant!) and on Sunday night I decide I'm sick of going the direction of the hopeless loser sitting at home drunk every night and I decide it's time for me to quit being such a pussy and I call myself on my own bullshit and resolve myself to swallow my stupid pride and admiot defeat and admit that I'm human and so Monday Morning at seven a.m. I'm at a meeting near my house. I felt like a different person. WAY. I had myself so totally psyched out over what MIGHT happen and then it's total anticlimax- nothing happened. It was just a fucking meeting- not an execution or a trial or something. Ridiculous the shit I put myself through.
And so that night I go to another meeting near my house. And then I've pretty much gone tuesdays and thursdays and a couple odd days thrown in here and there ever since.
Anyhow- back to my point (do I have a point? Ever? Well I try.) I get there expecting it to be a group of losers or something- even though I'd never say that I think in the back of my mind it was there. and I have plenty family members who are lifelong AAers but still- it was there. And I expected all kinds of stupid shit that I was afraid of. And I got there and there was a room of regular normal people- albiet some looked a little the worse for wear and tear- but they were all perfectly cool and totally OK with me sitting there listening and not saying anything.
I've always done my own trip. It takes me a while to work stuff out in my head and no one can tell me what to do. I do things my way in my own time. I am one frustratingly independant motherf@%#er. And yet I'm still going and I attribute a lot of me being sober with having a place to go where it's okay to not drink- where it's actually cool and admirable to be sober- despite everything our culture and the talking heads in television and magazines say. I dont have to do anything- we just get together and talk for an hour about our experiences and kind of shoot the shit. And yes- there are some very cool, very hot women. Not that you asked, but for me that's always a plus. I like women. Women rule. I'll leave that at that.
But as far as giving you a reason to be sober in light of the idea that the world may end tomorrow? Cant help you. I can give myself a bunch of reasons but only you know what you want.
Nobody ever shoved religion down my throat. Just wanted to clarify that (didn't I already say that?) I'm certainly not a christian and really not a buddhist or taoist. I've done a lot of reading on the topic of spirituality in my search for my own spirituality and I dont really qualify as an agnostic either. I think Jesus and Siddarta Gotama both had some radical and valid ideas, and if they met they probably would have had a really deep and groundbreaking conversation. But the point is- you dont have to be religious at AA. and when somebody tries to lead me or put words in my mouth or just flat out be lame about the topic of religion they soon figure out that it's a topic that is not for debate. The word "Faith" is a huge boon on that front.
Well I hope you dont go. I dont know how many more Touchstone excerpts I can take. But whatever- cest la vie- shikata ga nie- bridge under the water. ;) Hope you figure your stuff out. Gotta be thick skinned out there in the real world or have a rock solid defence for every barb and disparaging comment. Or you could just be right.
Also, the irony of my sig can kick in right about now if it hasn't already...
What's really ironic is you dont have a signature. I think you're referring to your biography. " I'm a person born into a world that was already ruined just like you..." That's kind of funny, coming from a guy who's life seems to revolve around drinking and video games. Think about it.
We, all of us, can be a sensitive lot. This has been a good communication & a way of batting it out. It's principles before personalities here & since we all can remember the rawness of when we first touched base with A.A. sometimes it can remind us of how we were & knowing how much we've changed. Talking about all this stuff can touch that nerve & sometimes we speak from a sore place that only wants to see someone else get well & the occasional frustration that can come with that. Don't worry for the things that have been said here, Pooky, everyone here only wants to see you get well. I know you want to change & get well in ways you're not sure of yet. As an elongated spell of sobriety unfolds we start to learn what these differences & changes can be. For me, my issue with alcohol was the relationship I held with it & how the obsession I didn't know I had affected me. I drank on emotions & couldn't come to terms with or know who I was. I was insecure, damaged from childhood & the early feist I had for life gradually began to wane into my mid20s when I began to feel that what had been patterns so far were only going to go on. I was quite without hope without realising it. I came into A.A. in curiosity. I had 2months sobriety & thought I had it licked. I came in on the Monday & drank on the Friday. One bottle of red wine supped with water & thoughts I thought that would protect me in controlled drinking. The next day I felt the desire return with an amptitude & it scared me. I thought 'OMG, this is the danger & I'm not immune!' I don't want to control drink because I'd know it would be such an effort which would kind of defeat the object of why I was drinking in the first place, to let go, relax & try to overcome all of the difficulties I'd had that led to the need for a drink. It was my letting loose time. I stayed sober a further 2wks & then exposed myself to 2days of freeflow drinking around me. After an accumulation of 14hrs over that weekend I couldn't take it any more. I thought 'It's perfectly normal & socially acceptable for others to drink, see, everybody's doing it so I can'. Luckily I was safe with friends that night & it didn't get out of hand but I'd learned a lesson, to stay away from risky, tempting places. 3rd time I lapsed 3wks later due to resentments. Life as I'd known it was over. I was 'only 29' & deserved to be out partying, 'expressing myself' & getting loose. This taught me the power of resentment & where it can take me. A further 2wks later was my last lapse. I had was a similar thing, thoughts played out all week & then I spent time in a situation that disturbed me. I drank & this time took anonymous drugs, threw up on the dance floor, lost my friend & my mobile & ended up in a stranger's house who'd been obvious regarding his intentions & worse still could have done whatever he wanted & no one would have known. He respected my turning down his offer & paid for a taxi home as promised. The point of this one is that I realised I couldn't guarantee my own safety in drink. I also realised that all of these little lapses meant that I hadn't been sober at all & that only complete abstinence could achieve this. It's taken many miracles (through Fellowship) to keep me sober since & the obsession remained. I always had that voice in my head that longed to be able to drink normally one day given the right circumstances. Eventually, I was coming upto 6mths, my 30th Bday was approaching & I thought 'Right, if I'm going to lapse/relapse I'd rather do it now than later on down the line.' I was sick of A.A. & it's miracles. I wanted a big enough miracle that would help me stay sober for life & A.A. 'couldn't give me that!?' I'd had too many miracles already, surely it was an impossibility & besides How greedy was I! I made up my mind I was going to drink just to ease off the pressure of will she/won't she? I wanted to take the power back. My Sponsor gently reminded me 'You're only handing power back over to the alcohol'. This made sense but it wasn't enough. St Patrick's Day arrived, the day before my 30th & I was upto here^ with it. I got a sassy haircut, came home, got dressed up & met a friend who'd been sober 8yrs before trying controlled drinking. I talked my story out with her, neutral to A.A. & found myself slowly centering. I went to a bar with friends, sipped orange juice & soda & thought, this is nice but see all these people & what they're doing? I've been there, done that & now I'm ready to go. I took myself for some food in a nice little place & felt totally at peace in myself. I felt calm, serene, beautiful & pleasant & I didn't want/need to take a drink. The choice was there & I finally said 'After all I've had in sobriety, I don't want any of that old stuff back' I began to grow up in A.A. & though a Higher Power had worked through people to help me stay sober, eventually I became the miracle & I no longer wished to drink. This came through a steady progression of experiences with A.A. inside & reinforcing collaborations I could find outside. I found the God~shaped hole I had inside me filled & a contentedness I've never known before, except perhaps in childhood before it all got so 'GodDamned' complicated! I gues what I'm trying to say, Pooky, is that you won't find a good enough reason to stay stopped unless you try. Maybe you will have to hit another bottom before you decide enough's enough. If you find some people's responses to the things you've said unacceptable it's only because they've been where you are & wouldn't wish it on anyone. We want the best for you, to see you not hurt yourself trying to find out what you're so desperate to know. We recognise ourselves in you & there's compassion there. Forgive if there's been any rub, it's rooted in kindness. Come to meetings. Find out about alcoholism, what it is, what it means for you. You may not identify with us just yet but in time you may. I wish you the best on your journey whether it's to end in a matter of months or not. You've tried the drink & life's for the living. Try sobriety for a different experience. Life's for adventure & trying new things. Give yourself a chance to see what it's like even if for a matter of months. I pushed long enough & hard enough & eventually the obsession was lifted. I no longer wish to drink (even if I wanted to) & I've found a freedom that's only possible in sobriety. There's only one way to figure that out. Take it easy, stay away from the first drink & you'll be in with a chance., Thanks for listening & coming back (if you have) Keep coming back. Talk with you soon, Danielle x
Ps. I can't tell you how good it felt to reach 6months April 1st & share that in my 1st chair at a meeting celebrating 60yrs of A.A. in Britain. It's wonderful & now I can share with others what's been given to me. Stick it out, Pooky, the best is yet to come... :Dx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
POOKISTAN wrote:I have to try this and possibly fail before I'm entirely convinced I need to quit entirely In spite of all the evidence, I too went out because I was not entirely convinced. The problem was that I did not come back when I thought I was going to. It took a few years.
I feel fortunate that I made it back because most never do.
Nobody could stop me because I wanted to drink. They said that I was not serious about recovery, and they were right.
AA and recovery is for recovery support.
Slogan: "If you want to drink, that's your business, if you want to stop, that's ours."
One of my favorite sayings from the around the meetings is:
"If you *think* you have a drinking problem - you have."
