I didn't understand until now when my bf said his pain really messes with his head... I've been in bad pain all week... and it really started gettin to me last night when stupid me decided to not take any pain killers... and was up most the night.. everything's getting to me, I feel like I'm at my wits end... I haven't made it to an AA meeting all week, but I have been talking to other alcoholics... saw that stupid dr today and he pissed me off... my bf pissed me off today and I think mostly I'm overreacting and I'm trying to tell myself that it's really nothing... just everything is bothering me. I've been on the verge of tears all afternoon but I have some kinda block from crying, I just can't cry, haven't in quite awhile... and I want to so bad... like maybe it would make me feel better. My friend told me I've got too much stress going on, and that can make my back even worse, and that I just need to take it easy... and I know he's right... but easier said than done... I feel like I'm losing it... I actually had a thought of drinking... haven't since I was 2 months sober (I'm 7 months now) it was more of a fleeting thought than anything else... sh*t I hurt too much to go buy anything to drink, but the fact that I thought about it really bothers me, that's crazy, how is drinking going to solve anything? It won't take away the pain, it won't make me feel better, it will actually make me feel worse, it will land me out on the street with no where to live... cuz that was the rule when I moved in here... this is a clean and sober house... *sigh* I mean, I wasn't thinking about it like planning on it, but it bothers me that I even thought about it. That's how much this is all messing with my head. Followed that thought of drinking with the thought of cutting... which obviously won't help either. Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!!!! What is going on with me???!!!??? I'm a mess, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I did talk to quite a few people this afternoon, alcoholics and close family... my bf will be home soon... maybe he'll finally show me a little support... I guess I can't blame him I didn't let on how much things were bothering me right now, so obviously he didn't know I needed some support here... I'm b*tchy, irritable, wanting to cry, depressed... christ I haven't been in this state of mind in a really long time... I was talkin to someone in chat today and told him if I could I'd get my butt to a meeting, and he said we're having one right now... and I guess he was right in a way... but nothing seems to be helping right now. I'm so freaking tired but I can't sleep cuz I hurt too bad... I feel like a whiny baby right now, that's what I'm being... and I don't mean to be, I don't want to be, but god I feel like I'm totally losing it!
Yup, I know you're right Phil, not getting to meetings is really affecting me too... but when it's a 30 minute drive to the nearest meeting, plus the hour for the meeting, and another 30 minutes comin home.... and honestly, I can't really sit up for more than oh about 10 minutes... just doesn't seem possible right now. Need to look up some online meetings, the only one I know of is on Mondays and I need one sooner than that. When my back was out last fall I did a few online meetings to get by until I could sit long enough for a meeting. I'm not tryin to make up excuses or anything for not going, trust me, I know I need a meeting and want to go to one... just this stupid back problem going on. Spending a lot of time in AA chat, and on the phone with alcoholics. Trying to hang in there. I'm a bit calmer now than I was when I posted that... my bf's home, taking care of me, he said earlier that we'd go over step 3 tonight... but I'm so freakin tired from lack of sleep last night... that I don't think I can stay up much longer...
One of my good friends I talked to earlier preached at me to take it easy... when so much was going on before I moved out here, my bf constantly preached at me "take it easy, easy does it, keep it simple, and let go and let God" and I needed that reminder today... a little easier said than done, but the reminder helped a little.
Told my bf when he got home that I'd had that fleeting thought of drinking... he said he doesn't think that ever really goes away, that we ever stop thinking about it... but it really bothered me after not really having any of those thoughts in the last 5 months... yup, s'pose you could say I've been on a dry drunk, and I can see that now.
I just need to relax, take it easy... pray... and I'll look up an online meeting I can do tomorrow... Thanks y'all for lettin me vent and being here for me...
I don't know if this will help, but I have an orthopedic cushion I use to sit on for my bad back, and it transports nicely to meetings! It's slanted (higher from back to front), and cut out in a u-shape where my tail bone is to prevent the sciatic nerve from flaring up. It was only around $20 and well worth the investment. It even has a nifty little handle to carry it around, and I also use it in the car.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
lisa, i am new to this forum but i had to tell you i have had back problems in the past where the pain was so severe it debilitated my life. i got so depressed because of the pain. i had a great dr. that i trusted. ended up with back surgery in 1990 with great results. i am so surprised an mri wasn't ordered for you. just from my experience as a nurse of 30 years.... yes...you're right. drs can be real assholes when it comes to giving out narcotics for recovering alcoholics. i think they can sometimes be judgemental and closed minded. and focus on the alcoholism more than the problem. i will tell you that physical therapy can be very helpful for the pain. i had ultrasound and massage ordered for me and it worked fairly well along with an antiinflammatory like motrin. also, ice helped me. i am so sorry that you felt that you weren't being listened to. i pray that you are on the mend. debbie
