Just talked to my sponsor from back home... and she asked how things were working with my new sponsor, and I told her... how she's so unavailable and I can't ever reach her, and she wants to wait 3 months to start on the steps with me and I feel like I need to get back into the steps... my sponsor back home doesn't understand this 3 month thing, and agreed that I should probably keep looking for another sponsor... and told me "if you have to, get a man, just make sure he's safe and all that..." I'm like WTF??? I didn't question it with her... but... isn't that like not allowed? Well, I knew someone in my group back home who had 2 sponsors, one was a man and one was a woman... but... I dunno... I just thought it wasn't allowed, or wasn't suggested? It's funny, one of my friends who's not in the program asked why my bf couldn't sponsor me... lol I was like well I can't have a male sponsor, and he's my bf too, so that's not suggested... and obviously I wouldn't ask my bf to be my sponsor... but there actually are some really nice guys in my Thurs night group here... but... I dunno... The meetings I've gone to, there haven't really been many women... *sigh* I'll figure somethin out... keep lookin... but that just really shocked me that she said I could get a male sponsor if I had to... ???
Just wanted to wish you luck on your sponser situation, I'm sure that when the time is right you will find what your looking for in a sponser. I know it took me almost a year to find my first sponser, she is wonderful. I still speak with her, she moved away and found another great sponser. Whom I trust alot, we don't see each other much but manage to talk on the phone, due to our schedules.
She explained to me at one time that she'd understand if I looked for another sponser, I replied that if I felt the need to find someone else that she'd be the first to know. Things are fine the way they are. I know that at anytime I can't reach her, I have someone close by to call.
Do what u feel is best for you and it will fall into play for you.
Thanks for the post, Lisa. In answer to your question, I'd have to agree that females for females & males for males would be the healthiest & safest option. I think a female sponsor for me is helpful as a positive & affirming role model & also helpful with my identity as a woman. I prefer to be empowered with a fellow female than I would in the case of a male. Personally for me this would also bypass any previous habit of co-dependency I have had with males. The Step 5 aspect to the relationship with a sponsor means that this sort of confidence in a male outside of your relationship may not be appropriate for the intimacy it involves. I would only be comfortable with this level of trust in a fellow female. I would feel like there was a cross of boundaries with a male & could be confusing. That's just me. I don't know if you relate? Maybe there are exceptions but I would prefer to be as independent as possible & could only find that kind of freedom with a female sponsor. Best of luck in finding your new sponsor. There's nothing quite like the unconditional love they offer! Dxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I have found that the males that I have respected and chosen to be special AA friends with, have reacted well at first, sharing their e,s &h and giving me good feedback, but then things have gotten a little confused and we have backed up. So, although I am coed in a lot of things,, the sponsorship issue is one where I have come to agree on same sex sponsorship. I am fussy about choosing a sponsor, not that I want one who will only tell me what I want to hear,, but one who really works the whole program, not just 2 stepping, or 13th stepping, or into codependencies,,, so I tend to use the whole group to get feedback that I need, and talk to selected people after the meeting. I go ahead and work the steps on my own, in my daily life, as I need to, and I don't wait for my sponsor to control me. Especially now that I've gone through the Step cycle many times over the last 18 years. I love to go to Step meetings. A spouse or romantic partner should never be the mate's sponsor! Some don't even go to the same meetings.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Dont give up on looking for a sponcer ask your HP for help........Here is a link were you will find Questions on sponcership.....www.aa.org/en_information_aa good luck to you
Well, regarding the male/female thing, there isn't a written rule about it, it is a suggestion based upon most people's experience. That said, my sponsor, a 60 year old female with over 30 years sobriety, has sponsored a lot of 20something males with great success. A good friend of mine is a gay male with a lesbian female sponsor - no sexual tension there! Just as long as the boundaries are well defined, as long as it works, as long as the person has something in their sobriety that you want, then it works - if you are personally not comfortable with it then obviously, keep your eyes firmly focused on the women in recovery, but as I read over the 12 steps and 12 traditions, I don't see a step or tradition that mentions the gender of a sponsor, or even sponsorship. It's just one alcoholic helping another in a chain reaction of experience strength and hope
