Today, well this weekend, was long and drawn out in a cold gray fashion. The daemon came back and crawled up to my ear with perculating despondence. A hangover feels better then his whispering breathe; his impregnating empty space that spreads inside of me.
26 days sober. The daily little victory dance I allowed myself (well the markings on my white board) to mark the passing of another 24 hours spent alcohol free aren't enough. I don't mean that sobriety no longer seems desirable, but it's just the first step, isn't it?
The shadows of my physical withdrawal symptoms have dissipated. This is when the real struggle begins. When I have a clear enough head and eyes to look at the issues that drove me to drink daily.
There's no where to hide from this damn little dragon with his needles for teeth and hungry eyes! I thought he was alcohol, but he's something bigger, isn't he?
'er, on the bright side, my school term ends this week (just two more projects to complete) and then I'll have a little extra time for a while to address the daemon . . .
I'll just have to keep him at bay with other addictions for the time being--like ice cream (there goes my diet . . . but there are worse things!) and coffee.
Yes, it all sounded very familiar to me. You described exactly how I was feeling in the early days of my sobriety. I would think back to how it had been for me, but the demon in my head would tell me that it hadn't really been that bad.
For me, keeping myself busy wasn't enough. I had to do a step one and thoroughly admit my powerlessness over alcohol and the unmanageablity in my life. I got myself a sponsor and started work as soon as I could.
Then, when I had my step one written out in front of me, it was much harder to listen to the demon. Then, slowly the desire to drink started to leave me. I also got to as many meetings as I could and had daily contact with other alcoholics and told them how I was feeling. It really did help.
But, Laura, you are doing really well and 26 sober days is a super achievement. Well done. You should be very proud of yourself.
Please keep posting and letting us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
very familar, and i agree with carol....i myself went to meetings almost every day and was told the first three steps would help, the spiritual journey began.
Yes, we don't often talk about the two parts of recovery, and the difference between just being 'dry' and being totally 'sober', and that the real journey begins only after our heads are clear enough to think and plan and organize, which we can't do in the muddled state of withdrawal.
Yes, when our heads clear and we are not using our main reflex coping tool of drowning all our problems out, we find ourselves confronted with them, and at a loss for other coping tools. Sometimes it is called coming off of the pink cloud, as we are confronted with the real work now,, of living healthier lives.
But,, the good news is,,, that this is what AA does best! what it is designed for. People who are only 'dry' without real coping skills, can be just very miserable people. People who learn to live more positive and constructive lives find tht they are happier. This means, though, making a total commitment to the whole program and all the Steps, and it is hard work,,, but there are Promises that the hard work is worth it.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
