From the moment I started drinking, I loved it, and I loved it so much I planned and plotted so that I would not become an alcoholic like my father. I thought I knew about alcoholism - an alcoholic was someone who craved alcohol and went into withdrawal without it. I didn't want to be come one of those, because drinking was something I wanted and needed.
After I read the Big Book the first time, and saw the part about a mental obsession with alcohol, the light bulb clicked on. Well before I had physical symptoms, I had the mental obsession. Obtaining alcohol when I was underage - planning the next drink/drunk. Planning to not be an alcoholic! Normal people don't think stuff like that!
I never had physical symptoms beyond a rough hangover... headache, sweats, puking... mostly gone by the end of the day (so I could start again). But the obsession... that was there, in full bloom, from day one. That is what makes me an alcoholic - not how much, or what, or where, or when, I drank.
I still notice alcohol... when I'm with people, and someone is drinking a beer - letting it sit there and get warm, I'm thinking there's somebody who doesn't know how to drink... LOL. I still have drinking dreams. I still have thoughts and memories when I pass by the beer cooler at the store. Or if I catch a whiff of alcohol in a restaurant, or party. I will always have that, because I'm an alcoholic... and I'm grateful for the reminder. I don't want the memory of my disease to fade away, lest I forget what I am. The obsession is still there to remind me, but I don't have to act on it today.
To some people this might seem like self-torture, a constant temptation. But it's not really; these thoughts are not constant. They pop up to remind me, and I turn them over - I do a mini step-3 on them. And it works. The first time I ever did this, I was astonished. I was only a few weeks sober, driving out on the highway - had about an hour drive. I started thinking about buying a 12 pack. I didn't really want to, but the thought was there. I remembered what I heard at meetings about turning it over... so I did, in my head I said ok God, I'm supposed to give this over so here you go. Of course I didn't believe it, but when I got home it dawned on me that I had made the rest of the trip and never thought about the 12-pack again.
I've done that hundreds of times since, and it works every time. It's not a minute to minute struggle, but more like the phone bill... shows up on a regular basis, to remind me.
I can relate to the experience of "noticing" alcohol when around people drinking. I feel like a pavlovian dog when someone else is holding a glass of wine--my eyes go straight to the glass and instinctively look for the bottle. It takes so much to not to walk over to the bottle and pour myself a glass, but even if I really don't want a drink my eyes still go straight for the alcohol and note everyone in the room who is drinking and what they are drinking.
I'm pretty new at the not-drinking-when-I-want-to thing, so I just need to steer clear of all alcohol for a while.
I can relate to the experience of "noticing" alcohol when around people drinking. I feel like a pavlovian dog when someone else is holding a glass of wine--my eyes go straight to the glass and instinctively look for the bottle. It takes so much to not to walk over to the bottle and pour myself a glass, but even if I really don't want a drink my eyes still go straight for the alcohol and note everyone in the room who is drinking and what they are drinking.
I'm pretty new at the not-drinking-when-I-want-to thing, so I just need to steer clear of all alcohol for a while.
Take care, Laura
-- Edited by Laura at 02:19, 2007-02-21
All's fair in love, war, and sobriety... there's nothing wrong with staying away from alcohol and people who are drinking, places that serve alcohol, etc. I have been sober a while and I still avoid these situations unless there is a reason to be there - not so much because I'm afraid I will drink, but just because I don't really want to be around a bunch of drunks, or attend a function where the primary activity is drinking. Obviously you can't avoid it forever, but in early sobriety, there's nothing wrong with playing every card you have. For me, I didn't go around any alcohol at all for 6 months. Not that I picked 6 months it just worked out that way. I still passed it up in the supermarket, I still saw beer commercials. But I didn't go to any alcohol serving party or get-together, and fortunately no one else in my household was drinking at the time so I didn't have to open the fridge and see it. After about 6 months, I went to a company picnic. I brought my family and there was plenty of food and plenty to do without drinking. I did notice a very small number of people who never got more than 10 feet from the beer tap. I would have been one of them, and thinking "everybody" was drinking as much as I was. But from my sober perspective, I saw it was only maybe 5 people out of 200!
