"Alcoholics don’t take spouses—they take hostages."
—Diane G. at an Al-Anon meeting Those who have never experienced the turmoil of an abusive relationship find it difficult to understand why people remain. They often ask, "Why in the world don’t they just leave?" The reasons "they just don’t leave" are varied and are at times quite complicated. Psychological dynamics are at work in such relationships that are every bit as confining as prison walls. On the other hand, quite often these dynamics only give the illusion of prison walls.
Is there a way to better understand these dynamics in an effort to resolve them? Yes.
In 1973, two men held four people hostage for six days in a bank holdup in Stockholm, Sweden. The hostages and their captors bonded with each other, and the hostages actually came to see their captors as protecting them from the police. One reportedly even became engaged to one of the captors after the fact. Out of this incident, the Stockholm Syndrome was developed to explain the psychological phenomenon that occurs when hostages bond with their captors and resist outside efforts to rescue them.
When applied to abusive alcoholic relationships, this psychological phenomenon gives great insight into why people (especially women) remain in such relationships. Although various renderings exist, the following describes the conditions necessary for the Stockholm Syndrome to develop. One can even see its relevance in alcoholic relationships that are not intensively abusive. Incidentally, both men and women can find themselves in the hostage role, but women are primarily affected.
Threat. A perceived threat to survival must exist, and also a belief that the captor is willing to carry out that threat. In an abusive alcoholic relationship, a "perceived threat to survival" does not necessarily have to mean the threat of physical murder, although at times it does. More often than not, this threat to survival involves the loss of something considered to be of high value, such as the loss of custody of any children involved; financial loss, including the home and means of living; loss of reputation within an extended family, in the community, or religiously; loss of companionship; loss of family integrity; etc.
Isolation. Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor. Control of mundane daily activities is the norm, such as discouraging or not allowing the hostage to work outside the home; monitoring all expenditures; making demands such as "dinner on time," and insistence on things being done to the captor’s specifications; extreme jealousy, e.g., monitoring where the hostage goes, checking mileage on the car, or not allowing the hostage to talk to anyone outside the home per se; keeping the hostage "dumb and stupid" by not allowing her to acquire or maintain marketable skills; etc. All of these demands force a distorted nurturing dependence on the captor, which is exactly the control that he aberrantly desires. The hostage, in turn, begins to see the world—and herself—through his eyes.
Kindness. A perception of some small kindness from the captor within the context of abuse. The captor will occasionally bestow some small kindness on the hostage, such as flowers after he beats her, or tearful remorse for his verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, then being easy to get along with for a time (the "honeymoon" phase), and showing his "good side" thereby lulling the hostage into the false hope that he has "finally changed." But lo, this is just part of the syndrome. Without help, he will drink again (the "tension building" phase); he will verbally, emotionally, or physically beat her again ("acute battering incident"), and the cycle starts all over again.
Escape. A perceived inability to escape. The hostage has a profound and most often perceived inability to escape the relationship without serious "life or death" consequences (the loss of something of high value). If she does try to escape, she may lose her "life," i.e., her children, her home and means of support, her reputation, or a host of other things. This perception of no escape is usually nothing more than a disabling belief that is as psychologically restraining as physical shackles anchoring her to a concrete wall.
The above criteria then lead the hostage to:
Affinity. Positive feelings between captor and hostage. A distorted and dysfunctional reciprocal affinity or bonding then develops between the captor and the hostage. The captor needs the hostage to satisfy distorted control issues; and the hostage needs the captor for survival. Therefore, when the captor occasionally bestows a kindness toward her in an effort to maintain control, she ignores his bad side and bonds to his positive side in an effort to maintain her psychological survival. Happy that her survival is momentarily unthreatened, the hostage now works even harder to keep her captor happy. This, in turn, reinforces her codependence. In time, the hostage begins to reciprocate her captor’s active aggressive control tactics with her own passive aggressive control tactics. Her often-subtle techniques are designed to control when or if she gets punished by her captor (being a peacekeeper); when and how much he drinks; preserving the family image (family secret); etc. Now focused on survival by keeping her captor "happy," her own emotional needs go unfulfilled, and her feelings and perspectives take second place to those of her captor.
Fear. Fear that any intervention by outside authorities will jeopardize the hostage’s survival. The hostage fears that if the "authorities" (anyone outside trying to help) get involved with trying to "rescue" her, then she will get "killed" in the crossfire (lose something of high value). The hostage usually sees any and all efforts to help her as a threat to her survival. Having already adopted her captor’s worldview, she then takes sides with her captor against any emancipating authority. This often results in further isolation because any friendships the hostage has may eventually collapse under the heavy burden of her emotionally taxing and dysfunctional situation. In essence, the captor has effectively and systematically erased any friendships she once had.
Captor’s motto:Control. Hostage’s motto:Survival.
So, why don’t many non-alcoholics leave even when they have an easy opportunity to do so? Because, 1) Her and her children’s own perceived survival (or something of high value) is at risk, and 2) Having now adopted her captor’s perspectives and therefore seeing the world through his eyes, she simply sees no reason to leave.
For all intents and purposes, the hostage is no longer a unique individual, but rather a clone of her captor. He has dispossessed her of her self-determination, self-identity, and self-worth. Her captor has made any possibility of her leaving him exponentially more difficult through psychological manipulation—brainwashing.
A good way to remember the above conditions of the Stockholm Syndrome is to rearrange them to spell the acronym, "FAKE IT."
F—Fear
A—Affinity
K—Kindness
E—Escape
I—Isolation
T—Threat
This is entirely fitting because whenever you exist in either role of captor or hostage, you are "faking it." You are living a "false" life. Some further synonyms of the word "fake" that give different shades of meaning to an abusive alcoholic relationship are: bogus, counterfeit, deceptive, fabricated, fraudulent, imitation, make-believe, phony, pretentious, scam, swindle, and trick. It is obvious that such a false relationship cannot bring peace and happiness to the family, and if not corrected, the misery continues.
Over the course of an extended period of time (perhaps years) in an alcoholic relationship, a very interesting phenomenon can occur: Role Reversal. After gaining expertise and confidence in her ability to passively control her captor (the alcoholic), the hostage (non-alcoholic) may now begin to actively, but unconsciously, push the limits of her captor’s control. This is in an attempt to recapture her stolen power and control. Incidentally, this is a prime time for outside "authorities" to help her make her escape. As a result of her assuming broader and more active control, she may launch a coup in an attempt to overthrow and subjugate her captor by seizing active control of the relationship. As a result, tensions escalate and sparks fly as both captor and hostage battle it out for control and victory. At this point, one of two outcomes will most likely happen:
1) The hostage, seeing that her coup attempt has failed or is failing, takes positive action and escapes; or,
2) Complete Role Reversal occurs: the hostage now becomes the captor, and the captor the hostage. Now the whole cycle starts all over, but this time in a unique way. The captor and hostage are now likely up in years, having possibly spent decades together. Because both of them are so comfortable in their distorted and dysfunctional relationship, they take turns at playing the roles of captor and hostage. This results in "bad blood" between them; each one is now alternately on the giving and the receiving end of verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse. They live out their days, feeling all used up, knowing on some deeper level that they sacrificed all those precious years of potential accomplishment by remaining in a pointless and miserable relationship that consumed their souls and extinguished their spirits.
Facing Your Fears: Beliefs that Keep the Hostage Enslaved Beliefs are interesting to explore. The dictionary defines "belief" as "something regarded as true." In other words, a belief is something you don’t know. It may or may not be true in reality.
Few other characteristics exert more power and influence over human beings than beliefs. Beliefs are so powerful in fact, that if you believe something to be true, then it istrue for you. Your belief is your reality.
Beliefs are like a double-edged sword—they can help you or hinder you; they can be liberating or enslaving; they can enrich you or rob you of your power. If you believe that you are trapped in an abusive alcoholic relationship, then you are—until you change your belief.
Fear is one of the greatest disabling beliefs. Seldom do the fears we harbor within have anything to do with the greater reality. I’ve always liked using the word "fear" as an acronym: F.E.A.R.—False Evidence Appearing Real. As long as we believe our fears are real, they become our reality. And herein lies the problem: our fears are usually nothing more than misguided and illusory beliefs (false evidence) that disable us from doing what we know we should do. By holding on to unreasonable fears associated with a codependent-alcoholic relationship, not only do you disable your own life, but your children’s lives as well.
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
WOW - hits home and alot of nerves, all I have to say is that it brought back five years of my life. All the beatings and emotional abuse have returned like a hurricane - just had a flash memory of having to wear turtle necks and long sleeves in the middle of summer just to cover up all the bruises and other marks - there were to many and they were much to dark for makeup to cover them. Swimming was strictly out of the question because according to him I was to fat, ugly and stupid to even put my baby toe in the water. Couldn't wear shorts - it had to be long pants maybe the occasional long skirt or dress but not very often. The only place that he didn't hit (very often) was my face - the occasional black eye. These are memories and can be put away for a time but every time that I look at any part of my body the scars are there and seen every day. What I know now is that I am better than he will ever be because I am sober and he is still and always will be a drunken, loser,user, abuser and a great big, huge, bag of human waste. I also feel that his son is a very lucky kid for the reason that he is challenged - mentally so he doesn't have the capacity to understand what a totally, drunken a-hole his "father" really is. Just my share at this moment in time. Must go cry now. Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
