I apologize in advance at the length of this testimonial. But, it's going to take a bit to get my whole story out, so here it goes...
First off, it's very hard to spill this out. At the time of this writing, I'm still a bit buzzed--but it's always at this point that reality hits. When I'm completely sober and I think of the possibility of getting drunk, it always overrides common sense. The fact that when I get drunk, although for the moment I feel good, I always end up feeling horrible. Whether it's for the fact that I speak my true feelings (I'm a very non-conflict type of guy, even though I get into fist-fights often to prove I'm tough or worth taking seriously... this is a different post in itself..), or I just do something that I absolutely regret when I wake up in the morning. It's happened alarmingly often. To the point that drinking, although fun 'in the moment' always leaves me feeling horrible the next morning. Even when I haven't really done anything at all. I feel guilty.
I know tomorrow morning, I'm going to somewhat regret posting this. In fact, I know this. It always happens. But after tonight (which I will get to in a bit) it's the last straw. I'm a very religious type of person. I believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe tonight, although not 'horrible' in the least, may be a way of the Good Lord saying, "It's time." I've been disillusioning myself under the false pretense of being underage for far too long. As you'll see, I've been drinking for a while and I am not yet twenty-one. This has been a big part of me taking this seriously. I'm not even of age to drink legally. How can I be an alcholic if I'm not even of legal age to drink alcohol? However, unfortunately, I understand the dire circumstances that alcholism can provide--and I believe it's time to draw the line. And I come to you all for support.. once again, I apologize for the length, but bear with me. Hopefully, my testimonial can provide testament to others, also under twenty-one, that may already be iflicted with this disease.
I've been dealing with the possibility of being an alcoholic for many months now. In fact, I felt this way one day during the summer. I talked to my mother about it, but when I woke up the next morning, I played it off. It wasn't that big of a deal. Once the next Friday night rolled around, I was fine. Don't worry about me. I'm sure there's some people out their who can relate to my situation, but never-the-less, here's my story:
First off, I'm twenty years old. My mother is a recovering alcoholic and she's been sober for 11 years and a few months (I think. And it kills me that I don't know the exact timing of such an event. Sorry Mom.) So as you can see, I'm no newbie to this disease. My mother, uncle and two brothers (I think, in fact, I'm sure of) are all alcoholics. Also, my grandfather is a recovering alcoholic. So as you can see, it runs in the fam. However, up until now I've been procrastinating a bit. I've been telling myself, "I'm only twenty. I'll wait til I'm like, twenty five." Almost as a joke. Well, in addition to a few other nights, tonight it's hit home.
I started drinking, officially when living with my brother at the age of twelve. I know, it wasn't in the best interests of my brother to give me a beer, but we were going through some tough family times. (I'm not going to get into it, but I had to live with him for a bit. We were waiting for a house. No blame on anyone.) I was living with him--it happened. There's nothing that could have changed it, and I am most certainly not blaming this on him.
Up until I was about fifteen I drank occasionally. Being drunk, unfortunately, gave me the illusion of 'being myself.' I would often joke with my buddies that "The truth comes out when your drinking." In many respects, this is true. But I've often dealt with the fact that people think I'm shy. It pisses me off. I'm not shy. I just talk when I know or feel passionate about the subject. Talk to me about football and I'll talk your f**king ear off. Talk to me about teddy bears, and I'm not saying shit. (I hope that makes sense.) Anyway, up until age fifteen (three years, if your counting), I drank as a way to get 'f**ked up' per se. It was the cool thing to do.
That was five years ago. Until now, I've never looked at alcoholism as something that could effect me. At least, not in the present. I was a teenager. This shit was the norm.
My mother, God bless her, has been sober for eleven plus years. Unfortunately, shame on me, I do not know exactly how long. I do know that it has been a long time. And judging from my own social character, that is a very long time. (I can't even imagine at this point, going eleven years without a drink. Especially since I've yet to turn twenty-one). I am more proud of her than I could ever show. I guess I am just not a 'heart on the sleave' type of guy. I have often told her I am proud of her, and I hope she knows I mean it. It's just that I find myself in an emotional bind when I'm not drinking. Like I can't be myself unless I have been drinking. And I know this is absolutely not the case. I've realized it's time to put this shit to an end.
There are many reasons I know I'm 99% an alcoholic, already, without reading too much into it. I know a bit about the disease, from family issues, than the average twenty year old. From my former point of view however, here's how I looked at it:
How could you drink one beer? What's the point? One beer does shit. Why not pound five and be that much better?
How can you be an alcoholic and not even be twenty-one? How is that shit gonna effect you when you do turn twenty-one? (This, most definately, is the reason I am most scared about.) Once again, I'm 99% sure I'm an alcoholic. I can't deny it. I'd be lying to myself. But I'm only twenty years old. Unfortunately, I've experienced some things that the normal twenty-year old hasn't. It's not my fault, nor is it anyone else's. It's up to no one but myself to remedy this situation. I'm not blaming a single soul, let's get that straight. Don't mistake this for bragging--but I've had more beer and liquor than the average thirty five year old man. I'm sure of it. I'm certainly not proud of it, that's for sure.
Why, if drinking makes me so happy, do I wake up feeling so horrible? Maybe some of you could testify to this. I'd be at work, in the duldroms. Tuesday night. Eight o'clock. Not sure what I'm doing, hoping it involves alcohol. Oh shit, I can get a run? A twelve pack, for me, when I get out? The night suddenly seems brighter. Me? I'm much more chipper. It's pretty pathetic. The night comes and goes. I drink, hook up with some random chick, play some good card games. Morning comes. I feel like scum. Why? Who knows. I'm ashamed, in retrospect, of the way I acted when I was drunk. Even though I felt like it was truly my true personality, it wasn't. It was my own drunken self. And it's that self-conscious hurdle I think I need to get over.
I don't need alcohol to be myself. Or for that matter, be sociable. Don't get me wrong, I'm often sociable. But it's gotten to the point where I only feel the need to be my true self when I'm drinking.
For the past couple of weeks, I've found myself doing/saying stupid things when drinking.
"Yo. I got your back in a brawl, kid. I'm f**king nuts. I'll f**k anybody up."
Although, somewhat true.. I'm not the bragger type. Over the course of my years on this Earth, I've found an overwhelming sense to prove to every single person, that I'm a tough -***ker. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I find myself often purposely getting into conflict when I've been drinking, to prove to another person, that I could f**k them up.
And that's just one piece of the puzzle. Tonight, well, it was the last straw.
I didn't, in retrospect, do anything that was that bad. My work was having their Christmas party tonight (don't ask why it was in January, I don't know). So of course, to make a proper appearance at such an alchohol-infused event, I had to get drunk. And get drunk I did. While others smoked a bowl, I passed, and pounded some more Yaagermeister.
I'd been told before-hand that the bar we were going to was a friend of my bosses. Us under twenty-one kids were not to drink. And I didn't. I drank outside, outside of the jurisdiction of the restaraunt. Not that valiant, I know.
However, two hours into the party, myself being pretty drunk already, I found myself scratching a scratch ticket at a table with my fellow co-worker.
"Here." She said, sliding me a drink.
Now, the bartender overseeing the whole thing had already spoken to me.. about drinking in a car in the parking lot. I'm not a disrespectful kid, I was planning on not drinking until we left (I was already heavily buzzed, mind you--that's probably the only reason why.) However, when this girl slid me the drink, I thought--hey, why not? But I didn't take a sip. I thought about it. But I swear on my brothers' souls that I did not take one. I may have been about to, I won't deny.. but the bartender hauled over, telling me to get out.
I got kicked out of my own restaraunt's Christmas party. For something I didn't even do.
Never to be disrespectful, or even be a problem, I left immedietely. But I felt like shit. He knew I was drunk. He thought I'd been drinking. Forget about letting myself down, I'd let others down. Especially my boss, who I respect to the utmost and who in large part, has been the best boss I have ever had.
With many drinks already in my system, I waited outside to tell my side of the story. My boss, many drinks in him as well, told me not to worry about it. My brother had been kicked out of the same bar many a time, and the bartender had been informed I was the blood of his blood. Awesome. That was supposed to make me feel better? But how would my boss feel in the morning, sober? My underage employee, who pre-gamed (drinking before-hand) got kicked out of my buddies bar? Still, he told me not to worry. But I couldn't take that for an honest answer, forgive me. So I waited for the bartender.
Mind you, it's snowing outside. Twelve forty five in the morning. I'm freezing my ass off. But the feeling of humiliation when I wake up in the morning is too much for me to handle. I must explain my side of the story to this man and let him know I, in no way, meant to be disrespectful. I am not like my brother, no matter how drunk. I don't get kicked out of somewhere, especially on my bosses time, and feel good about it, sorry.
Ten minutes later, after locking the doors to make sure no other under-age employees got in, the bartender appeared at the door. I asked to have a word with him, and he agreed. I told him all I wanted to do was scratch my scratch ticket, and I didn't take a sip.
"Don't worry buddy. I was your age. I would have taken the sip, too. I know you'd been drinking beforehand."
I informed him I wouldn't disrespect him, nor the owner, none-the-less my boss and drink in his establishment. He grinned, full of liquor himself, apparently, and said not to worry. But how would he feel in the morning, thinking about my underage ass in his restauraunt, trying to scheme booze? My testement aside, who was to say he would remember my testinomonial in the morning? Never mind my boss, who I respect greatly.
My buddy, also drunk (and high) was driving some girls home a far bit away. My house, a bit down the street was too short a distance, so I walked home. To say the least, it wasn't a happy walk home. I examined myself quite a bit and realized the culprit of the whole night: It wasn't the girl who slid me the drink. Nor was it the bartender who kicked me out. It was the liquor. Had I not been drinking, I'm sure, he at least would have taken me much more seriously. Or I wouldn't have been put in the predicament in the first place.
To say the least, it's been a long time coming. I'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. I'm currently trying to get back in the Marine Corps. after being kicked out for ADHD. I believe it a must for me. I need to get away from the temptations of my home town. Don't get me wrong, I'm not retarded. The Marine Corps will bring many drinking tempations in it's wake. But I believe, I need to accept my problem now, to deal with the problem later.
To say the least, getting through Marine Corps boot camp will be a challenge in and of itself. And I have about two to three months (God willing) until I get a waiver to go back in. Hopefully, I can be alcohol-free until then. The rest, I can deal with it when it comes.
The present however: two to three months. Alcoholic temptations every weekend.
Another thing. I could technically stay in on the weekends. Do something productive. I don't know what to attribute it to, but when I'm not drinking, or getting 'f**ked up' on the weekends, I often feel it's of a waste. Once again, since I was fifteen, every weekend has been spent on getting drunk. And it's been a long time coming for me to accept that it's finally become a problem.
Whenever I hear another alcoholic tell their story there's always a few parts- or the whole thing- that strikes me as familiar. In a way I feel for you for being in such a bad way- I know how it feels and it's never easy. In a way though I'm envious of you for knowing what you know at 20- and being willing to do something about it. It took me from the time I was 15 until I was over 40 to commit to doing something about it. Where I'm at now- I wish I'd dealt with it when I first admitted to myself that there was a problem (back then I referred to it as "there might be a problem".) Denial is a powerful thing- and stack on top of that the fact that I seemed to have some pretty self destructive stuff going on and it just left me between the proverbial rock and the celebrated hard place.
I'm still just working at it- but I wouldn't be doing that even if it weren't for the meetings. At the very least the meetings are an anchor for me- something I know I'll be going to in the evening and so I just dont drink because I don't want to have to be there drunk or to have to admit that I'm back to square one. That's the very least. On top of that, going to meetings keeps me distracted and keeps me humble, they keep me around people that are in the same boat and I suppose they keep me away from temptation a bit.
On top of that are the steps, which someone else will have to talk about, because I haven't been very diligent about the steps yet. But I've heard an awful lot of people that were a lot worse off than I tell me that the steps work. I personally need to get my ass in gear on that stuff. Somebody please kick me in the ass?
Anyhow- hang in there dude. Hang in there and it gets better. Sometimes things are really unfair but they are what they are. From what you've written I gather that you're a pretty intelligent guy. Check out some meetings if you haven't already. Give those a chance and I think you might find it helps.
When you said “ The fact that when I get drunk, although for the moment I feel good, I always end up feeling horrible.” really struck a chord with me. That was how I felt about my drinking. I never thought that alcoholism could ever affect me. But, it did.
It took me a while to get to AA as I refused to acknowledge that I had a problem of any sort. I couldn't see what AA could do for me. How could it work for me?
But, it has. My only regret is not going earlier in my life. I would have saved myself, and those around me, from years of hurt caused by my alcoholic behaviour.
Alcoholism doesn't care who it affects. There are no age, sex, colour, religion or status bars. It can kill anybody!
You could try calling your local AA helpline. There is always somebody that you can talk to and who will listen to you.
I couldn't have got or stayed sober if it wasn't by going to meetings and listening to what was being said. It was such a relief to be with other people who knew and understood where I was coming from. The amount of support and wonderful advice I have received has been utterly unbelievable.
My life is so very different now compared with how it was. Yours can be, too.
Please stay around here and read/post as much as you want and need. You are so very welcome. Please let us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
First off, check the tough guy stuff at the door. Alcohol is the number one heavyweight champ. It will destroy you almost every time. I say almost. AA gives you a shot.
The second part? Its up to you. What you have now is a chance. You're young, williing, and able. Oh my God, if I knew what you seem to know about this disease when I was your age? Twenty years old? Are you kidding me? You have the winning lottery ticket, the keys to the kingdom, the penultimate passage to a good and productive life in your hands. Go for it!!! If you get sober now - sorry for the cliche - but the world is your oyster. You can do anything you want in life. I read your blog (dead on with #7, Rodney would have made the difference), its awesome. You can write kid. You got talent.
But... can you follow directions? Get thee to a meeting young, man. Grab a sponsor... listen... this is your life. You are twenty. Don't wake up fifteen/twenty years from now wondering where your life went. Go for it - the brass ring, the keys... whatever...Hope to hear more from you. Best of luck...
Thanks to everyone who responded. Just got out of work, plus it's a Tuesday so thankfully I had absolutely no temptation to drink tonight. I don't have another night off until Saturday, so I'm going to look into going to a meeting then. At some point (I'm waiting for the right time) I'm going to vocalize what I posted to my mother and I know she'll go with me.
I'm also wondering how I should approach telling my friends. I know they won't take it the wrong way or anything, in fact, there are often jokes made about me being an alcholic. Nothing mean-spirited, just little things. I'm always the one who gets the run (since we're all underage) and I'm also always the one who forces a unanimous decision to drink on that particular night. So hopefully, they'll take this the right way.
Anyway, I'll keep up the updates and once again thank you to all who replied. Shielasdad, thanks for checking out the blog. Still can't believe the Pats lost. And I second the go Sox. Pitchers and catchers report in less than a month!
P.S. I apologize for the language in my first post. Won't happen again.
Oh shoot yeah the telling your friends thing. When I dont drink (I haven't been sober all that long this time around- a month and change) I used to get some raised eyebrows and a joke here and there. But they get used to it pretty quick and actually when I'm at a social thing and a couple of my friend's (who are actually just like me alcohol-wise) see me not drinking, usually one or two hang out with me and dont drink also. Kinda funny- it's like because I went and took this huge step they can use me for an excuse. But truth be told, the boys and I all know each other really well from way back and they arent fooling anyone, these couple guys.
Anyhow- I mean, I'm 40 so we're in way different situations (though don't get me wrong- I'm not a real grown up by any standard- I'm a fricken surfer for gods sake- we never grow up) but it is a pretty cool place to be in, to be the guy that says 'no thanks, not drinking tonight' while everyone else parties. And the social stuff is kind of different at first but you find after a bit that you have just as much fun- albiet in different ways- and you remember things and have normal conversations and girls seem to dig it and you dont get popped driving home drunk. It's also kinda funny to watch people get drunk from the outside looking in. Some of my friends are fricken hilarious. But I figure in the next five years those other two guys will be sober and going to AA too. They were way too interested in my not drinking when I intially quit, and I know from past experience that they are exactly the same kind of drunk as me, to a tee.
Anyhow- I ramble. Don't sweat the small stuff. The way your friends react will either be pleasantly surprising or it's the acid test for friendships, I guess. I have some pretty cool sober friends too now. Even if I dont count the ones I've met at AA (I've met some very salty characters in AA, and some very cool people.)
It's going to be interesting, that's for sure. I'm apprehensive for this weekend. The whole party atmosphere, I've never experienced it sober. Til now, I never really felt a need to. But I certainly like the idea of remembering what I did that night, and not having to worry about getting pulled over on the way home. Or worse yet, in a car wreck. Worst case, I know my buddies will be psyched that I can be the designated driver from now on.
I think the main hurdle I need to get over is the false pretense in my mind: I need to drink to have fun. Maybe because that's the perception of kids my age or whatever, but a weekend just isn't a weekend unless I'm getting shattered. So hopefully, I can get over that barrier and realize the truth--that I can have just as much fun and be cool by not drinking. Nevermind my liver. I mean, it's never hurt or anything--but I know it's not in a healthy state, not like one a normal twenty year olds might be like, I mean. I'm sure it's going to appreciate the vacation it's about to get. Hopefully a permanent one.
Well here's a couple things. One- and I know I'm not 20 anymore and so yeah- it's a little easier for me- but when I first got sober way back whenever the hell that was- a year ago or more- I stayed out of the action for a while. It's also easier for me because I don't really like bars- I'm more of a front porch/back yard BBQ kinda person. But anyhow- I didn't want to drink so I didn't put myself in a place where I'd be subjected to that temptation. I hung out at bookstores and coffee houses and read a lot and sought out my friends that were sober and we hung out and went to dinner and whatever.
I also got really healthy. I had a lot of time on my hands that I didn't have before. I ran and swam and worked out. That's not for everyone- I know- I've kind of droipped off of that stuff now for a bit, doing some other stuff.
Also- when I do go out I take some perrier or whatever- something to have in my hand so people aren't constantly trying to offer me something to drink. I have a buddy that has been sober for ten years but still likes to go clubbing to meet girls, and he just gets a rum and coke minus the rum. That way no one even comments or anything at all. I've gone to events held at bars (I'm a mean backgammon junky) and once I asked the bartender for a coke he takes a couple bucks from me and then refills me all night for free. One thing about bartenders- they really appreciate some maintenance free people around sometimes that aren't all sloppy and wasted. I actually know several bartenders and bouncers that are in the program and/or sober. That'd be a tough job to get sober in.
Hey Josh! Good to see you back. I'm glad you're giving it a go. In terms of telling your friends - TLH is right. most will probably think its cool, happy that you're trying to take care of yourself. I didn't get clean and sober until i was 36, so by that time most of my friends were wondering when I was going to grow up. My drinking buddies? They really didn't miss me and I haven't really seen any of them since. I had to stop being around alcohol totally. One good thing about getting sober - I started staying for entire Sox games. I didn't leave when the beers were shut off or get thrown out. No more Cask and Flagon until the third inning. I also got the chance to play baseball again. I pitched in the Boston Amateur League after about six years off. The layoff didn't help. I broke my arm in the midle of a pitch ala Dave Dravecky. No more baseball - but I did get the chance to do something I loved again thanks to sobriety. Good luck and keep writing. Mike in Boston
Yeah, I'm just going to have to stay out of the situations where I'd be too tempted to drink. I saw one of my buddies earlier and the first thing he asked me was "You wanna drink tonight?" So, I told him I was laying off that for a while and shrugged and said to call him anyway. The good thing for this week I guess, is I had a lot of bills. Cell phone, credit card, I have to pay some psychologist guy 250 bucks to give me a waiver to get back in the Marines. I think all I have is three dollars. And though my friends like to drink, none of them like to pay for my habit, which is good, haha.
Another thing I thought of was to find a good girl who doesn't like to drink. Unfortunately about a year ago I had a rift with an ex who's main problem was, "Everytime we hang out, your drinking." At the time I thought she was being retarded (it was the summertime, to my credit though--no school, I had work four days a week--but still, no exuses.) I'm thinking about calling her up and telling her about all this. Hopefully she's not still pissed at me.
As for the Sox.. just heard a rumor we're still in the running to get Clemens. I mean, it's either us or the Yankees--but it's good to here we're still in it. I thought we had no shot after all the reports coming out of New York that he was most certainly going there.
