My HG's speaker didn't show up, so it happened that a woman who got sober there 12 yrs ago, and had moved away, was visiting family this weekend. She was asked to speak. Telling her story she included that she had been married and often cheated on her then husband by picking up men at bars when it was supposed to be girls night out & would call him and say she was staying with "sue" b/c she was too drunk to drive home. She got sober while still married to this man, but continued to cheat all the while working the 12 Steps, sponsoring and speaking. She says the only difference was the men she cheated with after AA were now co-workers, girlfriends husbands, etc, not men she picked up in bars.........after several years of this, she & this man got divorced and she remarried another about 4 yrs later. She confessed that she cheats on her now husband (although they were married a few yrs before she did it the first time) and that while it is not OK, it is better because she knows this is a character defect and is no longer alcohol induced behavior.. She is considering therapy....Some of the women in my HG almost had a coronary. Some of the men's eyes became glazed over with tongues hanging out.....I sit on the fence on this one. While I admire her honesty, I'm not sure that was something to be shared while speaking, nor maybe even in a meeting at all....I came to the conclusion "we are not saints" and tried to let it go, but have not been able to get it out of my head....Is there a moral to this story? Could it be "Some are sicker than others" ? .... Chime right in, as I'm curious to your thoughts on this one, too!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Wellllll. I don't feel that her life style is running parallel to working all twelve steps, IMO. Otherwise she'd be spending all her time making amends to her husband. Yeah, she was being honest as she spoke, but I guess the room is where her honesty stops. She isn't even being honest with herself, if she figures that she's screwing a different type of man now. Or, her friend's husbands. Which means amends to her friends, too. Truthfully, had I heard her speak, I would have just figured I spent an hour listening to a dry drunk. But, t'is just my opinion.....Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
A man's opinion. I wouldn't be so sure that her husband doesn't know and allows it to continue. It's hard to keep something like that from showing in your everyday life. Been there (from her side, not mine). Some women as well as men need the variety and I think these people are sex addicts. In fact, I think I was married to one. Crazy. If there IS dishonesty involved, that really sucks. It's a violation of a sacred trust in my view. And once trust doesn't exist in a relationship, neither does the relationship. As Wren said about the honesty,; it's well shy of the foundation on which we alcoholics rely for our stability. My take...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
My eyeballs are wandering bastards, other than that can't say much about that difficulty, but otherwise, anytime I've stood in front of a meeting bringing up something personal I was in the middle of, I brought it up asking for HELP... "Our stories disclose in a general way" P.S. Dont believe anything I say. I am having my ass handed to me by cigarrettes, and nicotine is a powerful drug, capable of distorting your perception of truth. heheh IM NUTS.
yeah, its not a character defect, its a sex addiction. and of course she is dry cause honesty is the foundation of recovery and she is still in denial....and yes she owes tons of amends. it isnt unusual to find other addictions hiding under the alcohol....gambling is another common one. what is interesting to me is the fact that she has been in recovery for a long time and im wondering how many times she has been called on that behaviour and what ive seen before when people dont want to deal with it is they keep moving or switching to friends that will co-sign it. when my head is up my ass my friends tell me, i thank god for them...this woman is doing an excellent job of isolating herself from any close relationships. i pity her.
I agree with the take on that people who are addicted to alcohol, and that is what it is, also tend to have other addictions,, cigarettes, gambling, sex, adrenalin, people, etc. She said she is considering therapy and I would encourage that. I agree with 'we are not saints'. We are never cured, don't graduate, and never reach perfection. We just try to continue progress , humbly. To judge someone like this, meaning to think we are any better, is kind of hypocritical in my view. We each have our own sins, though maybe not that one, and we should 'keep the focus on our selves'. We never reach a point where we are perfect people. We always have some kind of character defect to work on. Maybe some people think they are keeping their own character defects well hidden, but that doesn't mean we don't have them. The honesty part might be that this is weighing on her and she felt what is called a 'burning desire' to share it with someone, hoping for some kind of helpful result, and thought that now that she is miles away that this group was 'safe' for her to try to share this. Was she mistaken? Maybe so. Not so safe after all, and responses not so helpful. I hope she does get help.
I've been to a few meetings of SexAholics Anonymous, and heard shares of people with such compulsions that they scare themselves; quick sex with multiple partners knowing that they risk diseases, and are ruining their marriages. People who disgust themselves with some of the fetishes that they have. All starting with the same Step 1 that we do, admitting that they are powerless over these compulsions and that their lives are out of control .
We used to have a couple of people at MIP who were putting the SAA Steps on the Step Work Board. One woman told me that she felt like we were not compassionate in any way with this problem, and that many people were not willing to admit a problem, and that it was very difficult to talk about. She left and that was too bad, because there is a need for SexAholics Anonymous too.
my take that was asked for,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Agree totally it's not MY stuff........ posted it b/c I was terrified of "well, atleast I never did that!!!" Needed to get it out.........some times we just gotta vent.....all human, and no where near perfect.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
