So I went to my wife's company Christmas party and proceeded to drain two bottles of red wine with dinner. I was pretty "on" and I really had the table yuking it up...right up until I decided to stagger out for a cigarette and shit my pants. Pardon my language but there's no polite way to say it. I went outside lit a smoke took two puffs and fudged my huggies.
I scooted off and found a bathroom and tried to clean myself up as best I could. It was a multi-user bathroom with no lock on the door and there was one point where I was standing there naked from the waist down rinsing my pants out in the in the sink, terrified that someone would walk in at any moment, when it hit me..."Hey maybe I do have a drinking problem after all!" What an epiphany.
I honestly have never been so embarrassed and ashamed in my life.
Okay, I know it's kind of lame to be the only poster in my own thread but I was just lying in bed feeling remorseful and sorry for myself and I just realized something. I didn't kill anybody, I didn't do anything completely unforgivable or life altering. I'm not minimising it, it's disgusting and awful and shameful, no question there. All I'm saying is that I could walk away form booze right now, if I were strong enough, and I will have stopped before I do end up doing something unforgivable, before I do hurt myself or someone else or commit some terrible life altering act. If I can quit I can avoid all those things.
And dammit I'm quitting right now! I have always tried to do AA my way and I've always fallen flat on my face. It's time for me to quit dickin around and just do what the book says. I dont know why I have to fight everything all the time. I dont know why I think I'm so smart...I'm an idiot!
You're absolutely right! The only reason I've failed in AA in the past is because deep down I wanted to...well not this time buddy. I'm going to kick boozes ass! I've had enough of letting it take away my dignity and self respect...allowing it to make a fool of me.
I'm going to be at so many meetings that people will be sick of seeing my face. I'm going to talk to god so much that if he does exist he's going to tell me to shut the **** up! I'm am going to be willing to go to any length!
hi, tipsy! welcome back! AA people, well, most,, don't get sick of seeing each other's faces,,, we are glad to see there faces, and know they are still alive, and not in jail or hospital. There will be other people doing 90 an 90 with you. And God doesn't get tired of anybody either,, He's not like my earthly father, who got tired, busy, cranky, whatever. He'll be glad you are hanging with Him.
If that was your bottom (no pun intended), then good.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
"I honestly have never been so embarrassed and ashamed in my life." Are you sure about that DJ? Is that something your going to remember the next time the thought of having a drink enters your mind? Are you truly at a point that you have decided that the "good feeling" of the glow/buzz is not worth the collateral prices/damages that come with it?
I hope you can answer yes. It really is tough to admit that we CAN'T control something in our lives. It has taken years of trying to prove to myself that I could control my drinking; I even did it for about 18 months straight ("controlled drinking"), but something ALWAYS put me over the edge. I'm assuming this is what you've been trying to prove to yourself. I mean, we're both intelligent, strong people. Is there really something we can't control if we put our minds to it? The answer for me has been a hard-to-swallow and dangerous-to-my-life "yes". And I'm finished trying to prove otherwise. I don't need it anymore. I hope you can relate to that. Good fortune to you...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Willing and desire, the only 2 things you need..........btw; guy in my HG always introduces himself, "I'm alkie Jim, and I used to shit in my pants! "........You're never alone...
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
