Hi Mmerlino,

When I first got sober my problem wasn't so much not listening.  My problem was that despite having made a total mess of my life, I thought I knew everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  I would listen patiently as someone talked, all the while thinking in my head, "Will this nitwit just shut up so I can get some coffee."  Somehow, however, someone got through to me and I made it to a step meeting.  Constant exposure to the truth and a realization that God could and would help me if sought, combined with the revelation that I was not God, brought me slowly but surely towards my now somewhat shaky sanity. So, the steps helped me.  You'll find your own path, I'm sure, but step meetings might be a good start.  Good luck and keep posting!

Mike in Boston (sheilasdad - and now Liam too!)

Thank for that and thanks for the way to go.  I needed to hear it.  I just seem to get stuck in that old pattern not so much I am always right.  I just dont want to hear sometimes.  I guess that stems from the all the years that my dad would say I was a failure and a fool.   Also, telling me that I would not amount to anything.

I guess now when someone is trying to enlighten me.  I shut down as well.  My thing is I hear you but I dont.  I seem to like getting into the fights.  Because, that is all I grew up with.  Someone fighting to see who is right without listening to what the other had to say.  Hmmmm.......it makes sense.  I guess when my sponsor was right when she said I have to dig deeper to understand my path and the causes that lead me here.  Interesting morning.  Thanks for your insight.

I have a little different perspective here.  I was in a discussion this morning where someone said to me 'listen', a couple of times.  It was not that I really wasn't listening.  It was that I wasn't agreeing with her.  She was trying to persuade me that she was right, and that if I would really 'listen' then I would have to agree.  But I didn't agree, and I don't agree.  That's where the problem often is.  What do we do when we really don't agree?   We, alcoholics, have a tough time with that, and need to work on the social skills of 'conflict resolution'.  

It is most often true that both people have some good points, but we want to split it into 'good guys' and 'bad guys',, and the 'bad guys' are the people who don't agree with us (so listen up before I smack you upside yo haid).   If we listen closely we can probably find some good point in the other person's statments to agree with, and that validates them, so that when we get to the point that we don't agree with they won't take it sooo personally.   Calling the other person derogatory names keeps it personal and turns it into a fight.  (And if you don't agree with that you are a real loser, who doesn't get it, and so f* u).   Asking for mutual respect can help,  because it is really a mutual listening thing, isn't it?  If we let the other person off of the defensive , then they might feel safer in modifying there stand to be a compromise with yours.  

I come from the same kind of background.  If we didn't agree with our parents, then my mom would die and my dad would kill me.  There are a few websites on what is called 'effective communication', and you can ask your whole group if they would like to get some 'conflict resolution' material so that all of you can improve your skills in this area.  It is definitely worth it, and, as Phil says,  the reactions we get from keeping in a constructive and mutually respectful vein are much, much better.

love in recovery,

amanda

In retrospect I found that as a new person in the program, I still reacted in the old, conditioned way--always defensive. Always. Life seemed like this gigantic debate team to me. It took me a long while to get over the worst of it, and I still feel it rising up in some situations. There are personalities that will trigger me, and I go into defense mode  before anything has even been said, preparing myself for the "speaking down to" that I had experienced in the past. Like you, I was so busy composing defensive responses, I wasn't hearing what was being said to me. It was all ego, all "look good". Not easy to lower the defenses after years of relying on them. And I eventually did learn that not having an answer for everything was okay. I can honestly say that there are many times I really don't even have an opinion on something unless I've had plenty of time to think about it. And that's okay too. I believe alot of it was the fear of hearing a truth that I wasn't prepared to hear. Today, it's okay to not have a response. It's okay to not have a firm opinion right that moment. I don't have to always concern myself whether people are weighing my responses as either right or wrong, dumb or smart. I don't have to protect myself with language barriers. I had one person, up until a few months back, that would lurk around, store up things I had said, critiquing them in her mind. Then, like a tiger waiting to pounce, she would suddenly fling all this perceived junk in my face. And of course, I would immediatly feel defenses come up, which I would have to stuff in order to not stoop to that level. I ended the relationship after months of this doo doo, too toxic for me, but the point here is it didn't have to be that way. , I was on guard all the time, worrying about saying something she would personalize, and then jump on me for, when more often than not, it wasn't even about her. We can learn to listen without judgement, we can respond without judgement, and avoid all the resentments that fly behind them. Listening is a hard thing to learn for us in the beginning, but when we do, when we respect ourselves enough to respect others, it gives us the opportunity to know how others feel, and learn more about ourselves. It is a process, and as Amanda said, there are several good sites that help and guide in communication skills. Dont be too hard on yourself, staying sober ninety days is a miracle in itself. The rest will follow. Chris