First time on this message board, and very glad I found it! This is going to be a pretty long post - I would like to explain the situation fully to get the best advice possible.
My sobriety date is September 12, 2006. The last time I had a drink was July 9th, but I was addicted to Vicodin as well and popped those until September 11th. Right now I'm at about 3 1/2 months sober.
When I first started coming to the program, there was this guy that I was automatically drawn to. We've flirted over the past couple of months, since I first got into the program in July, and he would make comments here and there about going out sometime, having a date, but he never asked me out for a specific time and day. I've been talking to my sponsor about this guy for months, telling her that if anything were to happen where we would have an opportunity to go out I don't see myself saying no. She in turn said that if he is the 'right guy' for me, he's still going to be around when I hit 1 year, and there's no use in rushing it, but I still knew in the back of my mind what I would do.
I bought football tickets for New Years Eve, and I was going to take my Dad. My mother, in turn, told me she planned on whisking my father away that weekend, so I decided to ask this guy if he wanted to go to the game with me. He said yes, and also said that he would take me out to dinner afterwards and we'd turn it into a date. I called my sponsor, left her a voicemail telling her what was going on, and left it at that... I'm not expecting this to be a 'we're going to a football game and now he's going to be my boyfriend' type of situation - I don't have time for a serious relationship right now anyway, but I do want to get to know him. I do like him. Trying to make a long story a LITTLE shorter, she is not happy about it. She's not so disappointed in me - she said if it was someone outside of the program, or someone with around the same time of sobriety that I have, she wouldn't be so upset. But the fact that he has more than a year, and he knows within our home group dating under a year is taking pretty seriously that she thinks it's a total lack of respect on his part and that he's taking advantage of me - if he respected me he would have said no, and it's just wrong.
I called him and talked to him about what my sponsor had to say, and he said that for him he decided not to date within the first year because it was a personal choice, he decided to take the direction of his sponsor; he knows I've only been 3 1/2 months sober, and if it's my decision not to date within the first year that he will respect that. Basically if I don't care, he won't care, but if I do care, then he cares. I told him I still wanted to go to the football game with him, and he said he would still take me out to dinner but if it made me uncomfortable we wouldn't go. I called one of my girlfriends in the program, who did date within her first year, it ended very badly for her, it's been 2 years and she's still incredibly scarred and kind of one of those "I am woman hear me roar" types. She said that to her, it still sounds like a date, we're still going out one on one to get to know each other, and bottom line that's dating.
I know everyone says ultimately I'm going to do what I'm going to do, these are just strong suggestions, and I do want to go out with him. I do want to get to know him. But on the other hand I don't want my sponsor to be upset with me, and it doesn't really seem like she is - she's more upset with him and his 'lack of respect'. I just feel bad because I instigated this - I asked him, and he's brought up quite a few times that if I'm not comfortable with this, if I want to bring someone else, am I SURE this is something I want to do... so in that way I feel he is respecting my early sobriety, by double and triple checking to make sure this is something I want to do regardless of the traditions of our home group. We decided that this wouldn't be a date, we would just go to the game and hang out, and to me that was trying to keep me happy and maybe brighten my sponsor's idea of the whole thing, but it's just not fixing it. I don't want this to turn into some forbidden relationship where I feel like I have to hide my feelings or hide that I'm speaking with him... I'm just not sure what to do to make myself feel better about a decision I'm making for my own life.
I know this probably all seems so silly, but it's just my alcoholic mind working total overdrive. I want to make myself happy, but I want to make everyone else happy too, and it just doesn't seem possible.
Usually when a sponsor would suggest that I dont do something...I usually did it anyway, and paid the price.:)
New sobriety is a vulnerable time...and its easy to be attracted to others...
I've seen a lot of new sobriety dating...
Have never seen one that worked out yet...
Even the relationships with long term sobriety...take a lot of work on both sides...and if we arent emotionally stable and healthy...it usually all goes for a crap...Emotional needy stuff...trying to fill voids etc...
Noone can make the decision for you...
Your choices gal....
And you have a great day!! More Caffine!! :)
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
"But the fact that he has more than a year, and he knows within our home group dating under a year is taking pretty seriously that she thinks it's a total lack of respect on his part and that he's taking advantage of me - if he respected me he would have said no, and it's just wrong."
Hi,
I'm Mike, an alcoholic in Boston. Your sponsor is right. I desperately wanted to date in my first year - sometimes even went to meetings because girls I liked would be there. I waited. I'm now happily married to a woman I met in AA. Wait. Give it time. It'll be worth it.
ps - we've got two beautiful kids, Sheila - 2 years 5 months and Liam 8 weeks old!!! and wearing his Santa outfit. Good things come to those who wait.
The first year of sobriety is usually full of changes that we have to make in our attitudes, behaviors and the way we relate to other people, so it is a time in instability. Even later we alkies have made some progress, but still have 'tendencies' that we have to be careful not to trigger or we slip. A newbie who is not familiar with the program is not expected to know this, and nobody knows what kinds of things in our Step 4 inventories that we are going to be dealing with in Step 7, 8 months from now.
So for a newbie that is just going through changes, which getting clean is only the first change, it is usually best if they do not have the stresses and demands that being in a new relationship brings. It's not fair to the partner, or themselves. After a year things get more stable, the newbie is more familiar with the AA principles and is applying them, and so will be wiser in both choosing relationships and in being in them.
A person who has been in AA more than a year either understands the above better, having been through it, and seen others going through it, as Phil shared with you, and will respect the program's principles and your needs, or not. And it seems the guy you are interested in is lacking in this regard, which is a yellow flag already. He knows that you don't understand the principle yet, and yet he is willing to break it if you decide to? hmmm Also, if he has more than a year there,, the others in the group know him in ways that you don't, and if they don't trust him,,, that is like a reference to you.
Also, excuse me guys,, but you know how a lot of guys are,,,, always pushing for it, figuring that he has to show manhood and must try to score, and even sometimes hoping that the woman will be the one to make the boundaries. The woman can be a push over, or the woman can gain respect by holding the line, eh?
Another thing is,,,, it is a good thing to 'get to know' people and make friends. We get to know each other by listening to them at meetings,, and by chatting over coffee after the meetings. Then, later on, we have a better idea than a first impression, what each person is like and whether a relationship would be more of a codependency, a passionate high, or a solidly based relationship built on true friendship, caring and the love that means 'a commitment to work for the well-being of the beloved'. What we see here does not show any commitment on anybody's part to 'commit to working for the best interests of the beloved',,, but simply a "hey, if you're on I'm on" thing.
Have you started working the Steps yet? I think you're sponsor is trying to be responsible in teaching you the programs principles.
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 09:37, 2006-12-23
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Welcome to MIP. It's a great place to be. I hope that you drop in often and let us know how things are going for you.
I always really try to listen to what my sponsor suggests. She has more sobriety than I have and a super life. I don't think that I would have been able to trust any feelings that I had in the early days of my recovery as I was very emotional and learning to handle so much without picking up a drink. But, that's just me. I wish you well.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Elise, cut the BS. there is no honest basis for this fellow to show any more interest in you than talking to you at a meeting. A year sober, he knows better. Doesnt mean he has to live up to it, though. Shows what he's made of. And there is no honest basis for you needing any kind of relationship at this point unless your just out to get laid. And even if you arent capable (edit -YET-) of recognizing that, he is or should be.
if you are under a year he has no respect for you. we take it seriously because people can die. i have seen the disasters of too early relationships when we are not fully grounded in the program. this guy is playing with your very life. i dont like him.
Hi Elise, welcome to MIP. My perseption of this on a few levels----if he felt true respect for you, he wouldnt have found it necessary to ask you if you're certain so many times. He knows the answer to that. At three months we don't even know ourselves yet. That's what those first long months are about, getting to know ourselves, learning where we make wrong decisions, and learning how to make the right ones. You made a point of saying you were attracted to him from the gate, flirting, and he responding with the "some day". Ever heard of 13 Stepping?
We get a sponsor for a reason; because we respect their program, and need to listen to what they have to say. We don't just pick and chose what we listen to and follow. They got and stayed sober by following their own sponsor's advise. How often have I heard "oh, it isn't anything serious". And then someone ends up getting drunk and never coming back. Rather than look at ourselves and the needed changes, we fill up that hole with someone else.
Both your sponsor and a good friend have told you it's a high risk, and I doubt anyone here is going to cosign this guy either. He should know better, and I'm sure he does, but some men pick on the newcomer because that newcomer doesn't know any better. Otherwise he would be "dating" someone with a solid program under them.
Me, I'd grab a girlfriend and go watch the game. It's too easy to "fall in love" in the beginning when our nerves are so out there, and we need some guy to lean on. Right. Wanting a normal life right off the bat just isn't going to happen. We don't know what a normal life is like yet. We have no basis of comparison.
Need to do some serious motivation checking on this one. Be honest with yourself. And listen to your sponsor....Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I wonder if it is necessary to post after such clear and strong responses to your queries about dating. I dated even after a year and it turned out badly. I still don't know myself and its been a over a year and a half. Do you really think that after only having a clear head and only BEGINNING to get some emotional baggage cleared out that dating and getting involved with a guy is the answer? I know for myself I thought I knew so much when I first sobered up. The longer I'm clean, sober and gain more insight and humility, the more I realize that I need to learn. AND TO LISTEN to those who have walked before me. I think it was Wren that talked about having respect for the program and the people who guide us. There is a reason for a sponsor. I know that I had to learn some extremely painful lessons because I figured I was different and unique and could skip some of the steps and program suggestions. Let me tell you the lessons are painful and will be remembered for a lifetime becuause of that pain.
I hope you take a step back. If you had to ask a few times, then I think your heart is telling you that the attention that you are getting from this guy is not healthy. I believe that becuase there is no way you can be healthy at this short time in your recovery. And I question his motives too. So now you have 8 or 9 other people suggesting you take a step back. I hope you keep us posted. Take care and Season's Greetings.
Jo-Anne
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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
Something as petty as difficulty paying a rent bill can quickly escalate into the end of the damned world for us screwball drunks. And something like this that -is- petty once we get through it did indeed have the power to literally destroy us, had we no program, relationship with God, and our fellows, as we fell into the old downward spiral of fear and resentment based action and reaction. Fresh sober, the issues of day-to-day life allready on our plates are something we are, by trial and error, working towards becoming capable of sucsessfully dealing with. There is no hard and fast rule with this one year deal, but the wisdom behind it, along with the experience of people who have been there and learned the hard, will guard your best interests before you can grasp for yourself what they are. If you blatantly disregard these things, and go off after your own devices, when things dont work out quite like you figured they ought too, just thank your higher power. She''ll be easy to recognize, you can thank her face to face in fact. Just find the nearest mirror.
If I was in your situation, I would seriously be applying step 11 (despite only technically being on step 8 with my sponsor). I would ASK my HP about it, seeking his/her will in this. I also would strive to LISTEN to the reply - which can be tough for those of us new to such contact. At the very least, I ask for clarity and wisdom, +/- the willingness and strength to follow through on what's needed.
I wish you well through this, and want to sincerely welcome you to the boards. This = a good place!
It is suggested by those that have come before us that we not make any life changes before the first year of sobriety......IMHO, We flip flop so drastically in 12 months, why take on anything new that could possibly cause stress.
Love and peace to you, elise.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
