I'd like some discussion on this topic, some sharing and e,s & h. Not advice.
There is this concept H.A.L.T. - hungry, angry , lonely, tired. Okay, hungry is simple enough because we stop and eat. Tired is simple enough because we stop and get some rest. Lonely is a little more complex because it is for other people and we can't control them and we can do stupid things to have relationship. But now,,, anger,, that can be a real stumper.
I 'm going along, say,, like that smiley in Phil's icon, and someone comes along and just mows me down, like in that icon. That is a trigger alright. I'm angry!
Okay, so what to we do when our HALT is justified anger? Someone has just 'hit' me with their schtick!
I'm going to post this on the other board too, looking forward to a bunch of perspectives that I don't have right now.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
In my experience, Amanda, I have found that my most profound anger is when I have been cut the deepest. My anger is a direct result of hurt feelings. I cannot stand the thought of being vulnerable and the knowledge that I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to get my feelings hurt by whoever, drives me crazy. It destroys my persona of "perfect peace and acceptance of others", or the "nothing gets to me because Im tough" wall I spend time behind. After the hot flash that anger always creates in me physically, I take a deep breath and make myself go somewhere quiet where I can get to the core feeling that is really happening with me, which can be anything from the pain of destroyed trust to a self-esteem issue. Once I have identified the core emotion, I am better able to deal with it. I have a filthy temper, and it is pretty hair trigger, so alone time is imperative for me, or I find myself directing it towards things that are not at fault. When I have reached a point where I've identified what the real pain is, be it ego (usually), or the fact that I truly did not deserve the attack, then I have something tangible to release. For me, I only release a bit at a time, as sort of a diffusion. I have yet to master total release at one time, unless it is something very minor. As an alky, rarely is anything minor in my eyes. But I have to process the feelings, and absolutely allow myself to feel them no matter what. Then the release begins for me. At some point, when I've reached that "place" where I have transferred those feelings into the hands of my Higher Power, (and yes, I really do do this) I compose a get well card in my head to the person who has hurt me. Once I've gotten it all written in my head, extreme and read between the lines as I can make it, I end up laughing. I guess you'd have to be in my head at these times to appreciate the kind of cards I've composed, but if I can finally laugh, then I can finally let go. Usually takes a while to reach that point, but if I cannot confront that person for whatever reason, it has worked for me. I do hope this helps. If you need any ideas for a card, let me know.....Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
My 2 cents, for what it is worth. When someone angers me, whether I am at fault or not, I Meditate, then ask my Higher Power to forgive them. Sometimes I really mean it the first time, sometimes it takes me more than a few times, but i eventually get rid of the anger.
Thank you for sharing ideas on how to deal with the anger once we are out of the situation. I do need ideas for that too, cuz I tend to obsess and drive things into the ground while trying to resolve them.
What happens to me is this though. In the middle of the situation - like the boss is yelling at me and I can't leave. My coworker is laying a guilt trip on me and my blood pressure is going up. A bureaucratic authority at some government service office has just put me in the third long line and denied my application for benefits. I can't stop to meditate and I have to respond to my boss'es scolding that is soooo unfair! My coworker, who got the promotion I should have had is talking to me like I'm a dunce, but this is my job. This is when I am triggered and very likely to pop off and say something ummm counterproductive. Is there any way to keep from reacting instinctively, meaning that my reflex responses are my old stuff, and keep my wits about me and think of something constructive to do. Key word 'think'.
An important part of this program, for me, has had to do with retraining myself. It is the hardest thing to apply the program under fire. I mean, in theory, sure,,, I think about staying calm and saying something tactful and diplomatic,,, then reality hits. Somebody is attacking me and I go off.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I don't know if this would work for anyone else. I ditto on the meditation when possible because that just empties the garbage quickly. In an ongoing situation as you have described, I've learned to "step out" of the occurrance subjectively, take a look at it from an OBjective perspective, and I can usually view it as a comedy. I mean, when crap like that happens, it's like it was written as a bad sitcom and it really helps me to look at it this way. Kind of like: " O.K. How much worse could this get and where's the punchline?" It becomes laughable for me and that is just the release that's needed to not lose my cool under that kind of stress. I hope this helps you Amanda...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I was in a situation yesterday when I got very angry. I felt that it was justified anger. I was on a short-fuse and although I didn't 'explode' I didn't feel good about myself or about the person who had been on the receiving end of my anger and frustration.
My sponsor told me, a while ago, that if I was angry with somebody that I should try to pray for them. I did and then I handed over my emotions to God. The rest of my day went better after that.
But, I have learned that if I don't face up to my anger and deal with it, it will turn into a resentment, as Phil posted recently.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Well, the seeing it as a comedy did happen, and I laughed, but that made her even madder, and they started yelling "SHUTUP! SHUTUP!" I used to carry a chip, and if I found myself in a volatile situation I would take the chip out and squeeze it realy hard and start saying a prayer. That actually did stop me from my reflex action of fighting, disconcerted the other person a lot, who was shocked that I would start praying, and sometimes then the sitution broke. So maybe I could try a variation of that and actually pray for that person, and for the situation, and for myself. Then I can become a little more objective and think, and then think of something constructive. Then, when I am safe, I can go meditate. It's true about facing up to anger. It's happened to me a couple of times this year that certain people have abused me and abused me, and I kept my mouth shut for a lot time, but anger built up and they kept abusing me, and then I blew up. It is the 'management' part I guess - how to recognize the anger but channel it in constructive ways. My adrenalin level just gets very high and then it is 'fight or flight', like a panic. How not to fight or flee, but handle the situation in a healthy way. Putting the energy into praying is a constructive use of it.
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 08:53, 2006-12-19
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
i like some others have a nasty quick temper and when attacked tend to blow up. one thing ive learned the hard way in recovery is abusive people that trigger me are not interested in productive communication, they children in adult bodies and are just bullies. if i can keep in mind that it is all about manipulation on their part because they are really just a frightened child inside that uses bully tactics it gives me a better perspective and some distance. its not personal, its a poor way of communicating, so thinking to myself "your communication skills suck" when im being yelled at keeps it more managable, if possible i remove myself until they regain control, or ask god for some insight into why this person is so nuts..usally i get an answer that helps me to have some compassion. thats my 2 cents worth.
Cindy,,, wow. Yes,,, it is all about manipulation. And you're right and I forget their insecurities. Control and manipulation are all about lacking trust that they will get something good through any other means. And it is bullying too. And it works for them most of the time. And it worked for them this time too. Enabling temper tantrums. But I am realizing that it is not really personal to me, in that it doesn't mean I caused it. That is their pattern of behavior.. when they don't get their own way they attack, and the issue of what is right goes by the wayside again.
I am seeing a kind of common thing here, and that is the 12 Step concept of 'detachment'. Stepping back emotionally is detachment. Trying to look at it objectively is detachment. We can think better then, eh?
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
