Yesterday, in the church choir yet, in the middle of services yet, another person and I got into a 'scene'. I won't go into what the whole scene was, but I have been having a problem with this person since I joined this choir a couple of months ago. She is the diva-prima donna type, and has been treating me either quite rudely or very patronizingly, and has been 'hen pecking' everyone while dominating. I do see some of my own character defects, in being perfectionistic and critical and becoming the center of her own attention, and I think that is a lot of why we are clashing. Perfectionists fuss, and tend to be critical, and one of the roles in a dysfunctional family is to be super-responsible and think we have to be the ones to run everything.
The 12 Step program is great. I've been developing enough between the ACA and AA to have some better ways to deal with things. The alky way doesn't work, as Phil points out with an appropriate emoticon. A couple of people here have been showing me lately how to do a good amends, including remembering that we can't control the whole outcome, but we do our best to clean up our own side of the street/mess. So today I wrote a letter and gave a penitential donation to the poor. Maybe it wasn't the perfect amends, because I did mention that I was accepting responsibility for my own part, but not for the whole thing - wait - that is okay, cuz we are not asked to make others' amends cuz that is enabling.
I wrote a letter and made a donation to the poor, and then...... it's let go and let God and move on. That's the part I don't do well at, letting go, letting God, and moving on. I see now that I can't resolve the end of it that is theirs, and it is new that I don't feel like I have to. I see that I've done my best, progress and not perfection, and I don't have to stay and keep at it obsessively to try to achieve perfection for acceptance. That's been the fallacy. I did my best, made my amends, and I am free to move on. I don't have to take the weight for the dysfunctional situation, just my part of it, and I don't have to stay in it as it is and suffer,,, I can move on. God will handle it and them in His time and His way - not my business.
Thanks guys,
love in recovery,
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 19:09, 2006-12-18
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
holy mackeral! this person u describe is exactly like a woman i deal with around here! the biggest thing that helps me with her is after i asked god to show why she was such a u know what i got a little more background on her story and now when she acts like that i try to picture that 13 year old girl she used to be with no one to take care of her.the unloved tend to be unpleasant. no one should have to feel like that. i pray everyone gets to know the real deal of love deep into their soul.
