If you have suffered a loss through the death of a loved one or through divorce, and don't feel "normal", you are probably grieving.
You must allow yourself to feel these feelings, and accept the fact that you are normal if you are engaging in any of these behaviors and signs of grief. You need to allow yourself timeto grieve because it is an important aspect in your healing. If you feel the feelings and work through them, your grief will lessen, and in time, fade. The memories will always remain as sweet memories in the case of a death, or in the case of a divorce, very often bitter-sweet.
You must accept the reality of your loss. You must talk about the loss until you accept it. The more you talk about it, the more you will realize that the loss is real -- that the person is really gone and will not come back.
You must allow yourself to experience the pain of grief. In any loss, you must accept the painful reality and finality of the loss. If you don't, your grief will keep resurfacing throughout your life and interfere with a healthy emotional state of being. You have to feel the pain. You can't avoid the pain. It will hurt. You will feel awful. But this pain must be felt in order for you to work through the pain and heal. If you push the pain away and refuse to feel it, it will fester for years and affect your entire future.
You must learn to adjust to an environment in which the loved one is missing. You have to return to places you went together. You have to spend time in your home without this person. You have to encounter each aspect of your life without that person. It will be hard. You will need to learn new skills and tasks in order to assume responsibility for your own life. You have to learn to function without the person at home and in your everyday life. In other words, you must keep going. You can't withdraw from the world. The first time you go to a place, or experience a holiday without them, or do an activity you shared with your lost love will be the worst. After that, it will get better.
Finally, after you have grieved all you need to grieve, you have to begin to withdraw emotional energy that you are investing in your grieving and the focus you have on your loss, and invest it in new relationships (not necessarily of the opposite sex, and certainly not right away). If, after a reasonable amount of time, you constantly re-live your marriage (or your relationship with the person), constantly go over "what I did wrong" and "what I should have done differently", and refuse to try to move on with your life, you are investing too much energy in your grieving. The support and encouragement of a loving family and a good support group is necessary in order to move on with your life. New friends and new interests are important. The time will come when you will have to get on with your life. If you are female and your husband took care of all of the business and you were just a passenger in your lives together, you will need to learn to do the things that he did and you didn't do and don't know how to do. You will have to assume all of the responsibilities, and you can, because you are stronger than you or your spouse gave you credit for being. Acceptance and a determination to live your life fully will refocus your energy in a more positive manner.
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Wise words my friend. I might not like the part that it takes time. But seems to be very true. Also it is amazing what you wrote about how each thing done alone gets easier. the first time is the worst. Thanks for the insightful words. Gary
