Hi all,

Jarrod and Robert have both shared so much this evening and it made me want to share, too. And, it has done me good. I have been feeling pretty down all day, but looking back at where my drinking was taking me, I feel I have so much to be grateful for and to feel good about.

Anyway, here's my story:-

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Nobody in my family ever really drank. At Christmastime, Dad would bring home one bottle of apricot wine which would last until well into the New Year.

One Christmas day, when I was about four or five, my Grandmother left her very small glass of wine on a table within my reach. I wanted to be grown up, so I had a taste of it. I remember thinking that it tasted disgusting and it burned my throat, but I felt grown-up. So, I finished off the remainder. Nobody spotted that I done that.

Very occasionally, as I was growing up, I was allowed a very tiny taste of wine watered down with lemonade as a treat on a very special occasion.

During my early teens, I was a 'normal' drinker trying to get the odd drink in a pub or from an off-licence, but I really could take it or leave it at that point. So, from an alcohol point of view, I wasn't too disappointed when I failed.

I left school at sixteen and started work in a sports shop. I felt really grown-up then. After a few months, Christmas was only a few days away, and we all went out to a pub after work on Saturday evening to celebrate.

I didn't know what to order, but I had recently seen a TV advert for dry Martini. So, a dry Martini it was. Thoughts of that first taste of wine as a small child came flooding back to me, as I struggled to drink something I didn't like the taste of. But, I persevered and after another I didn't notice the horrible taste. Being an average teenage drinker I couldn't handle very much. After four or five and no food I knew that I was well and truly drunk. I headed home, where I was very ill. The next morning I truly thought that I was dying and vowed never to do that again. I didn't, for a little while. The atmosphere at home was pretty bad.

During the years, I started to drink more and more. I felt 'proud' of being able to out-drink almost anyone that I met. I never got drunk.

But, in 1999 I started to wonder about my drinking. I was starting to feel more under the weather more often in the morning. I was starting to pour myself a drink a little earlier each day. Occasionally, I wouldn't have a drink for a whole day to prove to myself that it was under control. I was slightly worried at the amounts that I was drinking. But, on the odd day that I didn't drink, I convinced myself that I was fine and just being over-cautious. I had no side effects from not drinking, so everything had to be fine.

In 2002 I knew that my drinking had changed and that drink featured heavily in my thinking. My boyfriend decided to lose weight and to become healthy. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to eat more healthily and to get some exercise. Part of the becoming healthy involved strict monitoring of alcohol. I hated it. I hated being restricted to drinking just two glasses of wine with a meal. I started to become furtive and to drink from the bottle of cooking wine when he wasn't looking, or to pour a quick glass from the box of wine and knock it back in one go. I couldn't stick to two glasses of wine per day. I hated it.

I saw my GP with a view to stopping smoking. But, she was more concerned with my alcohol consumption as I had had a drink before I went to see her. At that point, I couldn't stand the woman. She insisted that I had a set of blood tests taken to check out my liver. I tried to put it off, but in the end I had no choice. I dreaded getting the results. Of course, they were fairly bad news. So, that very same evening, I proceeded to get drunk.

That's when the domestic rows and really bad atmospheres started. I began to get drunk on a more and more frequent basis. I never intended to get drunk, it just seemed to happen. I would blame it on lack of food, lack of sleep, stress and whatever else entered my mind. The 'mornings after' were a living hell. I would be hanging my head in shame and solemnly vowing never to do it again. I meant every word of my promises. I didn't want to be drunk and unable to walk and talk properly. I would not do it again.

But, of course, I did. Time after horrible time, I would realise that I was drunk again. I started to become very furtive in my drinking habits. Frequently, during the winter months especially, I would claim that I had a bug knocking about me in the mornings. I would take some pills and wait for the hangover to go. In the end, a hangover was a normal part of life for me. I couldn't imagine waking in the morning and feeling bright and fresh. This went on for several years.

One wretched morning in March 2004 my partner and I agreed that my drinking was out of my control. I admitted that I knew that I had a problem. I placed a 'phone call to AA and started to attend two or three meetings a week. But, it only lasted for eight weeks.

But, in the following twelve months my drinking became completely out of control. There was no-one applying any brakes to what I drank or how much I drank. I tried to handle it in various different ways. I wouldn't drink before three o'clock in the afternoon; I wouldn't drink red wine; I wouldn't drink until I had completed all of the housework; I wouldn't drink.

Day after day, I battled not to drink and not to get drunk. Yet morning after morning I would wake knowing that I had done it again. The more I drank, the more I hated myself and my life. It was a daily battle to try to remember what I had said to various different people about meeting up with them, the day, the time, etc. Promises that I had made were forgotten. Black-outs were becoming pretty normal.

By then, I was living on my own and there was no 'brake' on me or my drinking. I wasn't accountable to anybody. I had the money to buy the alcohol; I had no job that I had to go to; I had no children to look after; I had no partner to share my life with. It was just me and my red wine.

I lied constantly to people I cared about and I lied to myself. All I could think about was drinking. All I was concerned about was getting more alcohol. I think, and I'm fairly sure of this, that apart from my partner I managed to hide my alcoholism from those around me. I was cautious about buying my alcohol. I wouldn't use the same check-out in a supermarket, or if I had to I would go to great lengths to explain that I was having a party and lots of friends were coming round. I had endless imaginary drinks parties and dinner parties. My life was spiralling out of control and I couldn't bear it any longer. I couldn't imagine a life with or without alcohol in it any more.

In November 2005 I finally admitted defeat and went back to AA. I so wish that I had never left in the first place. But, at least I now have a little sobriety behind me. I do AA work and I am so grateful for the chance to help another alcoholic.

I have a good life now that is full with beautiful things I would never have been able to do if I were still drinking. I truly never thought that this alcoholic could have been really happy being sober. But, I am.

The AA Promises do come true. Just keep working the program to the very best of our ability and God will do the rest for us.

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Take care everyone.

Carol