I really messed up my marriage and life with my drinking the past 8 years. The more I drank the meaner my wife got toward me.
The heavy drinking started just after our second child came. I was 30, she was a stay at home Mom. After the child came the wife got breast augmentation and lost a lot of weight, changed her hair, got one of those tramp stamps, belly button ring and started paying more attention to her girlfriend and nights out than me. All the while I'm wonering why.
She made me feel unwanted, unloved and I knew she was looking for attention from the other men. Makes sense since I was always ripping on how trashy and inappropriately she dressed as a mom of 2. How dare she start dressing provocatively and like Britney spears at 30! How dare she do this when I told her I didn't like it. I didn't like it because I was insecure at a skinny 5'7" and 130lbs. I felt like I didn't measure up. This cycle went on 2 years and my drinking progressed as I wallowed in self pity.
When my 2 year old began to get verbal she mostly said "Go away Daddy!". My hear was broken and shredded by those words I hear every day for a few months.
After my wife first really confronted me on drinking, I began to try and get clever. I'd buy a 5th of Jack and a six pack of beer. I'd make sure I carried the beer around so she'd think I was only nursing the one or 2 I'd have. All the while sneaking into the garage to take long drinks from the Jack that was hidden. I had no problem in my mind. I just needed a release from the pain of living in my situation.
We drifted further apart and started avoiding each other. I turned to more alcohol. I also joined a gym and over the next year and 1/2 and I put on 25 lbs of muscle and thought I finally looked good enough for most anyone. This I thought would re-attract my woman. No dice. I wasn't seeing my mental capabilites and communication skills were still destroyed by alcohol.
She confronted me again and I begged her on my knees and promised I'd never drink again. I was really sincere I thought. Couple days later I was drinking hard again. This time I'd buy a case and put six in the fridge and six in the garage. I'd make it like I only drank 3-4 a day. We drifted further apart. As soon as I got some slack I'd be back at it.
She confronted me again. I then I only drank on weekends. I kept to this for a few months, but nothing got better. Daddy was drinking at 9am on Saturday and Sunday...oh Friday night too.
I was then told to move out and she said she did not love me anymore and that I was selfish and she couldn't deal with me anymore. By this time I could do NO rights. ANYTHING I did was wrong, stupid and the like. She began to hate me. She demeaned me in front of family and friends and worse, our children.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER????????????
I made it a point to join AA on my own November 27 2006, still knowing I was being thrown out Jan1. Her goal was to get a job and by Jan 1 she we could afford an apartment. Happy freakin NEW YEAR huh? That very same day I went to my first AA meeting alone she got her fist job since in 5 years. The job was to pay for my apartment and to give her financial independance for her life w/o me.
After returning from AA she said she needed me around to take care of the kids since the job is 12-7pm. I got my last chance and a gift in that.
Today I'm still working on the relationship but it's very frustrating that it's not all falling into place now. After all I did quit drinking didn't I? I wish I can have the love back with my wife immediately but I know I won't prove a damn thing until many weeks of ACTION, instead of promises.
Step 2 & 3 I took on with sincerity and God spoke to me. My whole body now tingles when I pray correctly and sincerely. The stronger the feeling I get, the better direction and serenity i feel. This power and belief is going to be one of the most important components of maintaining my sober life and improving myself.
Step 4 and 6 are helping me a lot. The writings are just like I am and I'm addressing those and creating my list of inventory. Boy the lights have turned on. The more I examine, the more of an ass I see in how I acted.
Only 13 days sober and following AA now! I feel 100% different in how I approach any given day or circumstance. I'm hopefull for my marriage, but still live in fear that I've destroyed any hope in her.
My life is moving away from the life is a "chore" to life is "fun". My marriage still sucks but I feel good about myself now. I do housework, cook, clean, bathe the kids etc. with pride instead of distain. I hope to expand this and prove I'm the man she married 10 years ago.
Last night, (as with the 3 nights before) my wife and I spent the evening TOGETHER talking on the couch. I found myself really enthralled with her, listening attentively. I was thinking about HER, not me. I wasn't thinking about how I could immediately CHANGE things to perfect order. My old attitude of interrupting, or indifference to what she was saying was gone. I feel like I don't care WHAT she talks about, I just want to be near and listen and look into her eyes. Before I'd get bored with it, or try to '1 up' her with what I've done or what I think, or critize an her approach etc. I truly feel different and it feels like a miracle. I feel like I'm falling in love again. I'm aready feeling like a new person, however I know the road of improvement goes for a lifetime. My wife, who 3 weeks ago could not speak to me without yelling or with disgust is already starting to open up to me, talk and hang out with me. I haven't felt this kind of intimacy in a long time.
I realize how for gone I really was, and how much of an angel she is for hanging in there.
WOW!
That's my story. I'm greatful for AA. At first I thought it was only about stopping drinking, but no, it is helping me realize my faults, so they may be corrected. It has helped me discover true spirituality and it has given me a feeling of life I haven't felt before.
I realize this is my AA honeymoon and I still have issues I'll need to deal with, but I now have tools to live by. I believe in the tools and accept the tools.
I'm Jarrod, and an alcoholic. I can say this now without shame!
Wow – what a super post. Thanks so much for all that you said about yourself. It's always good for me to feel that I know a person a little better.
You have given me so much to think about.
My long-term boyfriend and I separated just over two years ago because of my alcoholism. I lost count, towards the end, of how many times he would talk to me in the morning when I had sobered up and I would promise that I would never drink like that again. I would cry as I made my promises and firmly believed that I would be able to stick to them this time around. But, within a few days, I would be back to my old drinking habits.
I would open another box of wine so that it wouldn't look as if I had been drinking too much. Or, I would pretend to make a cup of tea when I was pouring wine into a mug and drinking it down so fast that he wouldn't know. Or, I'd wait until he had gone to the bathroom. I became so sneaky and furtive about my drinking. I was even trying to fool myself.
But, a little over a year ago, after I had hit my own rock bottom, I found my way back to AA and my life has changed so much since then. I now have self pride and self-respect back. My friends and neighbours trust me again. I can remember what I did the evening before and I have nothing to feel ashamed about.
I knew that AA wasn't just about stopping drinking but making changes to me and my thinking. Now, that was scary for this alcoholic. I knew that I wasn't a bad person, but I wasn't sure that I could be the person that I used to be. But, now, I am free to be me and that feels pretty good most days.
My boyfriend and I are fine. We can't get back together full time because of work commitments, but we are working towards it. That's what we both want. Despite the sheer hell that I put him through he still loves me and wants to be with me. He respects me and he's proud of me. All in return for not drinking one day at a time!
AA is a wonderful program of recovery and I am so truly grateful to everybody that I have met.
Jarrod, thanks for a wonderful share.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I'm Mike, an alcoholic way over on the East Coast (Boston). I read on this site every day, but don't post that often. Your post was moving and inspirational. I'm happy that things are coming together for you. I'm always fascinated and moved by reading about people who are able to stop the madness before they've lost everything. Me? I never accumulated anything, so that all I have in life I owe to God and AA. Ten years of good stuff. And that's what awaits you Jarrod. Don't worry about this good period being a so-called honeymoon My honeymoon - pink cloud - beginner's luck - whatever you want to call it, has continued for ten years now. Life still can be difficult, but it is still good.
A guy in the East Milton group near me says, "AA doesn't stop the stuff from hitting the fan, but it teaches you how to duck." You're right. Jarrod, you have the tools now. Keep using them. I have. I went from a low-bottom drunk to a happily married man, two kids (Sheila - age 2, Liam age 6 weeks!),good job, and am working on my doctorate. I had nothing when I came.
Thanks again for the inspiring post, and keep going. We needyou.
The only thing I can add, that is a bit different perspective, is that I never went 'back' to what I 'used to be'. My family was very dysfunctional and I never did develop in a lot of important ways, but was geared toward doing what I had to do to survive. Drinking was part of that. When I went into recovery, I went into AA, but at the same time into ACoA. I started getting brand new perspectives, and brand new tools, coping skills and social skills that I never had before. So I think, not about going back, but about going forward, like Star Trek, into unknown territory for me. It's kind of scary, launching out into the unknown, and sometimes things mess up, but I'm doing the development that I didn't get to do before. I mentally take my Higher Power's hand, as His child, as He leads me in my Step 11. "More Power, Scotty."
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Wow, Ironman. Congrats on your progress. I too hid my whiskey and carried around a beer for appearances. I didn't fool 'em either. This is an awful disease, this alcoholism/addiction. Messed with my head, that's for sure. Screwed up my perception of reality, my behavior with my family, and made me do some pretty whacko stuff, looking back on it. Didn't actually do a darn thing for me, really, except maybe put off feeling some things that would have been better dealt with on the spot. Thats what I love about the program and the steps. They don't teach me how not to drink, they teach me how to live. One day at a time, and do the next right thing aren't just b.s. slogans, they are a way to live successfully and happily.
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its better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not....life's the school, love's the lesson.
Thanks for sharing that, glad to see some progress. Thats what its about takin one at a time, seems like slow process. But I'm happy for you, and send my best to you also to your family, god will be with you right now
That's rough, Jarrod. Ultimately, tho, we're staying sober for ourselves, and our Higher Power will take us where we need to go. None of us knows what the future is going to hold. Sometimes we feel like we're just hanging on for the ride.You stayed sober, and that is a miracle unto itself, yknow? The willingness to stay sober no matter what. Life improves, it just does. No promises that it isn't going to hurt along the way, but it does get better. Hang in there, keep coming back and talking, and please, hit every meeting that you can possibly get to. You're in my thoughts, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I've been kicked out of my house. I should have drank, but I didn't. I'm fighting a battle on 2 fronts and I need the stength I've never had before.
Hey Bud.....This is not all about you....
I would imagine, that your spouse has a few issues to deal with also...and if she does not do that..? the bottom line is...things might not get better in the relationship department...
It takes two...I Used to think it was ALL me ..and I used to take the whole thing on my shoulders...and made myself physically and mentally ill..while doing so...
The number one priority here is you...and staying sober...
The outcomes of the rest of it? As hard as it may be...we sometimes hafta throw it upstairs...and let the outcomes fall where they may...
You got a sponsor buddy? If not...they are still a life line some days for this kid...
Hang tough.....
Itll be ok.....as long as you dont pick up that first drink....which is sometimes the easiest thing to do and say "F" it all..been there..
And yup..Ive been where youre at....
Yu know? my freind? I firmly believe as alcoholics..that we make those around us..as sick..or sicker than we are...
519-369-5631...anytime collect...
Luv yu.... Phil
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
It really can be a kick in the teeth when we turn ourselves around, take steps in the right direction, do the right thing, do the best we can, and it all turns to shit before our eyes. Makes you want to cry...and I hope you've done that because it really has a cleansing affect. I really don't know what to say that would comfort you but I do know that now, under the circumstances you're facing, you need a clear mind and clear thoughts for decisions that may well impact the rest of your life and the lives of those whom you love. I wish for you the strength you need now my friend...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Thanks all for your kind comments and viewpoints. It's VERY tough for me now and I cry at any time I put my mind on the situation.
I'm traveling on business, which was once my escape from the wife to drink at night, in the hotel and in the airport. I was not hassled when out of town and my drinking was excessive to say the least.
I have not really had any thoughts of drinking through this. I'm amazed frankly. This situation at home should have put me in the bottle BIG TIME, but God and I are winning that battle. I find that my misery is not with the drinking, but now my wayward wife. Looking into her eyes after 15 years together and telling her I love her and I'm becoming a better man and getting nothing back is truly heartbreaking. To think of my little girls missing Daddy kills me inside.
All I have to do is think about my family and I cry HARD. I'm looking to God for help, but help in only doing his will. I don't pray for him to fix it, because that is selfish.
There are tears on my keyboard as I type this. I was agnostic before AA. God revealed himself to my with my praying, and I'm now a believer. I have agressive willingness in the program. If I didn't have God and the program with me like before, I'd truly be destroyed right now.
Thanks all and may God be with you always!
Finishing Day 17 sober. If I can do this with all this turmoil, I know I'll come out standing in the end.
Things may seem tough right and as phil said it isn't all about you.
I'm keepin you and ur family in my prayers, and things well evenually get better, glad to see ur not drinking. And that you've stuck with us bud, just remember ur not alone in this battle wih alcohol and to work at it.
Again first things first is you and the rest will fall into place, you will become stronger in recovery and we all at some point went through this one way or another. It's all part of the proccess of change for the better.
I send prayers your way and hugs to you and ur family
