I had been drinking since I was 15. It made me feel human for the first time in my life. It took away my fear and gave me an inner glow I never felt before.
Most importantly it took me out of myself.
I soon discovered that if I drank enough, I got this mystery power and id wake in the morning with a girls number in my phone, this was great, apart from when sober I could not function.
Very soon I found myself drinking in college time followed my work time. I got fired from one of my first jobs for (a) stealing money out of the till when in black out (b) stealing vodka from the bar whilst working. and obviously the fact that I was stewed didnt help matters. in the afternoon the next day I had a vague feeling something was not quite right, but I still turned up for work only to be escorted out the building. this takes me up to the age of 19.
I had a brief encounter of good luck, I started modelling, I got two jobs, one was humiliating. Ie nude. however the £700 cheque a week went to my head. I drank to let let the good times role.
Very soon I ran out of money and luck, I found myself in hospital or the second time, this time with a broken nose after I broke into a pubs celler for the 5th time and was caught and beat up by the bouncer out side.
All I could think about was poor me and my poor nose and the fact that my modelling was through because of it, obviously the fact that I had brown teeth, gum disease, fat body and looked half dead didnt come into it. I was then 20.
by the age 20-21 I started living with a girl I met at college studying music.
it went well for a while but towards the end, I would sneak out at 11 when I was drunk enough and go clubbing on my own and it would be 50/50 if I woke up in my own bed or on a kerb, I generally didnt take many girls home by this stage. I once woke up hugging a traffic cone that really freaked me out.
I was at this point in my last year of college I think, I soon discovered that if I opened up a student account with every bank account that did a student account, plus take a student loan, plus lie to family and friends about my hardships plus steal from where ever I was working, I could get by pretty well. I even discovered that I could take out approx £200 more than my overdraft limit just by doing small transactions one at a time in different supermarkets, so it was quite a handy tool to learn that I could get lets say a 1/4 bottle plus £10 cash back when I didnt have a penny to my name. drink up then go to the pub, go to another supermarket / beer off and do exactly the same.
Despite the affairs I had, I lost count when I was 19 I was extremly upset when I found my girlfriend at the time having a flirt online with someone, I hit her on the head and the partnership was over from then on.
I am not proud of hitting her.
I felt from that moment on that I must get tanked up, every afternoon and didnt stop for 4 years. I found myself in all sorts of dives looking for companionship and love despite being too drunk to talk.
I remember one night walking home on my own as I usually did and putting my fist through a Christian shop window. that left a huge scar on my hand which I have to this day.
I met a girl in a club one night and I am with her to this day.
I had to move out of my digs rappidly when I was robbed. I squatted with friends for about a half year and lived out of black bags, by this stage I was feeling terrible and even though before all I did was drink, now I found I could not stop despite wanting to so I could eat and find a place to live, I was in horror every friday when I found that I was hundreds over my overdraft limit on the day my income came in and I had no food or drink, some how I found that drink, but I didnt eat all that much,
I have my current partner through a lot, I became depressed in 2002 and started drinking whilst taking anti depressants and strong pain killers and diazipam. I discovered if I took 6 times the dosage on top of a few bottles of red (which was my drink of choice towards the end) no one could hurt me.
I was scamming prescriptions left right and centre, I stopped drinking during the day, and reserved that for the second I got out the door of the job I was working in at the time, I popped pills all day instead which was like solid alcohol, apart from I needed to top up every half hour.
It all came to a halt when I had a suicide attempt in 2004 after bankrupcy. I went to aa for a while but carried on drinking. I thought that the lack of money would stop me but it didnt. I would search the house in panic for that money to buy a drink, I took to stealing again - this time out of my partners bag or just steal a bottle from the shop.
I hated drinking on my own, the only company I had.
I stopped attending meetings after about a week, 6 months later I hit my rock bottom and came back to AA.
Oh boy, could I ever associate with what you said about alcohol giving you an inner glow and taking away your fear! That was how I felt in the early days of my drinking. I had more confidence and felt better about myself with a drink or two in my hand.
I, too, started with AA in 2004. I enjoyed eight good weeks of happy sobriety, but then I decided that if I only had a glass or two of wine with a meal I couldn't go wrong. It took me eighteen long and horrendous months to finally get back to AA and to admit defeat. I finally accepted that I couldn't beat my alcoholism on my own.
I could have lost everything and everyone that mattered to me, but I just couldn't put that drink down. Thankfully, it is so very different now. I know that I am only one drink away from losing the lot and going back 'out there'. That's something that I am truly frightened of. But, with God's help and working the program I am staying sober one day at a time.
Life is good and I have a life now instead of an existence. I have so much to be grateful for and each new day brings new joy and new challenges. But, at least I meet the challenges with a clear head.
Thanks for sharing, Robert.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I shared today with a music forum that i use that im an alcoholic, I only disclose that info when it is of benifit to others, ie in this case the title, " Man....I gotta stop drinking!!!!" no question really, I usually get like 2 replys on this forum as its not that busy, its been 2 hours and already 3 pages of well wishes, it blows me away.
