I was working on my ab*se workbook, and the last section was on hopes when you were growing up, and how they were crushed.. I was supposed to list 3 things that I hoped for and how they were crushed. I was only able to come up with one thing that I'd hoped for as a child - that my dad would marry this girlfriend I liked and instead he cheated on her and married a drunk and divorced after 2 years of hell. I never hoped my parents would get back together. I never hoped and dreamed about what I'd be when I grew up. When hubby and I started dating, I hoped that we would get married, and that hope actually was fulfilled. Then I Had hopes of getting pregnant and it never happened. I've never really had hope... I think I always knew better than to get my hopes up. I accepted things how they were. I don't have hopes or goals now, except hte goal to stay sober today. I thought about going back to school, but realized I wasn't ready for it, and now I don't even know if I still want that. Hubby wants me to have a goal of getting a part time job, but I know I'm not ready for that, and it's not a goal of my own, I don't really want to go back to work. I don't hope for anything... I have wishful thinking though... like I want to live in a house instead of an apartment, but I don't see it happening, at least not for many years, so I don't hope for it. And I want hubby to go back to school and get a better paying job, but we can't afford to put him in school so I don't hope for it. I don't see that one ever happening actually. My sponsor said there's a difference between being realistic and being pessimistic, she said mostly I'm being realistic with what my wishful thinking is. She said alcoholics don't really have much hope, that's just how we are, that 3 years ago she wouldn't have even dreamed of being where she is today. And that 3 years from now I'll see where I am and it'll be the same, it will be something I never dreamed of. I don't know what I want in life, except to stay sober... I don't have hopes, I don't have dreams, I don't have goals... it's a little depressing realizing that... I want to have some kind of hope, but what is there to hope for?
Well, Lisa, every time that I read one of your posts, I sit and watch your avatar for a few minutes, and I think about how precious your children are. I do this every single post. It makes me wish that my grandchildren were near, because I miss them so much and they are all so far away. I wish that the ones that went through my alcoholism could be young again so that they could experience a more stable life and we could have been closer, sooner.
In the beginning, my biggest hope was that I would be sober the next day. I ran on praying for sobriety, praying for strength, praying for peace, those first few years. And with sobriety came the fruition of the things that I didn't dare hope for,or even expect to have happen.
This program's full of miracles, just open up to them. Hope one day at a time, for now. No need to project far in advance. Dreams and hopes don't have to be huge to be valid. Today, I hope I can get another row of blocks on my quilt. Today, I dream that my daughter will be coming to Washington. Find the small, gratitude building things to hang onto. The rest will follow when the time is right. Our Higher Powers make certain of that. Hang in there, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Right now, staying sober sounds like a perfectly good hope to me. It sound to me like it would be accurate to say that you hope to find out enough about yourself to really know what you want in life, so if it fuels you well to focus on a hope besides sobriety as a whole, a realistic hope would be that you find the path to your true self and learn what it is you want.
When I first got sober I didn't have much in the way of hopes outside of getting a job that paid more than $5 an hour. After I did my 4th and 5th (3 years in - I didn't start working a program until I had 2 years. I be stubborn.) A desire I'd had as a child to learn to play the guitar was rekindled, and now I'm writing and performing my own songs, I'm not a bad player if I do say so myself, but the point is the day I stopped drinking, not only would I have not beleived I could be a guitar player, the thought never would have even crossed my mind. The future is wide open, and our hopes grow with us.
