Where to start.... I am a 46 year old mother of two married and as of today admit to you and myself that I am an alcoholic. I guess it's called a functioning alcoholic. You know, get the kids to school on time, pick them up, laundry, pay bills, even cook dinner during blackouts, wake up the next morning still drunk.
I had been sober for a long time, then a year ago we moved to a bigger house, found new neighbors and quickly made friends. Well they are all drinkers, and it started for me with a couple beers now and then and quickly progressed back to vodka. I'll spare you the in between accept for the fact that a few months ago I fell and broke my leg coming back in a drunken stupor. Did that stop me? no. matter of fact I was drunk on my way to the first follow up visit. I made any excuse to drink, stressed about bills, party with the neighbors, cocktail while cooking. I had been hiding the bottles in my office drawer for a long time, then it actually progressed to sneaking into my office before the kids were even ready for school. *sigh*
Well, today is day five for me. Day one was withdrawal, Soaking the sheets at night, either sweating or freezing, bad shakes (whole body), no appetite, vomiting. matter of fact hubby took us to dinner that first night and as soon as I put the first bite in my mouth I could not eat anymore. As we left the restaraunt, I had to have him stop so I could get out of the truck and vomit in the bushies. .Day two shaky sweaty no appetite, day three clammy shaking less. My husband thought I was having a panic attack. He virtually had no idea I was drinking, let alone no idea as to how much I was drinking. I was really good at hiding it. I prayed to god those nights for help and to give me strength to get through it. At one point I almost asked to be taken to the hospital but decided to try and tough it out because I did not want anyone to know. My husband thought I was having hot flashes. I don't know what size is what, but basically one of those big jugs would be gone in two days or less. Today the only shakes I have are from the coffee I have drank this morning :)
I know that I cannot have just one drink. If I do, then I can't stop till I am unconcious.
I want to stay sober this time for good. I have never asked for help before, but this time my heart says I must. For my sake, and my families sake. This morning I went looking for a message board and I found you. I hope to seek support and hope here.
gosh, that was a ramble. But honestly I needed a place where I could be honest with myself.
Hi Barb, and welcome to the MIP board. Thank you so much for your honesty in your share. That's what we do here, share our experience, strength and hope.
Detoxing is miserable, but you have made it through getting the toxins out of your body, and can get healthy again. Next is all about getting the toxins out of everything else, one day at a time. I hope you have a chance to go to a meeting, and get some phone numbers so that you have support right there with you.
I'm looking forward to hearing more from you, and I promise, it does get better, a little at a time. Kudos to you for having gone thru what you did, that shows alot of strength. Keep coming back, warmly, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thanks folks, I am still having short term memory loss but hope that will clear up soon :) I honestly didn't know what was happening until I looked up the symptons online. I had quit several times before for long periods of time and never once experienced anything like this. The shakes were so bad I couldn't even pick up a glass of water. It's the first time I have admitted this to anyone accept myself.
Yesterday I had to go to the market and I prayed for strength when I had to go down the liquor aisle, reminding myself of last Friday night.
I am hoping it will not be difficult to survive the neighbors parties as they drink beer and wine and I am not a fan of either.
I am not ready to go to a meeting. My husband only thinks I drink on the weekends with the neighbors as everyone is usually drunk so I let my guard down and get silly. He still doesn't know. I am hoping that maybe this group will be my support. Honestly, his cousin has had 15 DUI's and spent some hard time, came out and has lost everything again and again, everytime hubby talks about him, he talks about how stupid he is, and what a loser drunk he is. I couldn't bear that.
just want to say keep coming on to the board, and there's alot of great people here and information, and ur not alone. We do care, nice to meet you and thanks for sharing.
Welcome to MIP. It really is filled with some lovely and supportive people. It adds so much to the quality of my sobriety.
Thank you so much for your honest share. I could associate so much with what you said. For me, as soon as I had had one drink I couldn't stop until I got drunk. I drank every day and was so secretive and furtive about my drinking. When the shakes go too bad that I couldn't leave the house, it still didn't stop me from drinking. It was a living hell.
But, there is a better and different way. My life is now so much better than it ever was when I was drinking.
Barb, I am so glad that you found this board. Please keep coming back and posting to let us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hope you change your mind about going to meetings. "Half Measure availed us nothing. we stood at the turning point. (From page 59 of the book AA 3rd edition) The heart and soul of the AA program is one alcoholic helping another, face to face, that and the 12 Steps. Alot of newcomers show up here and think they can stay sober with "Online Recovery" Recovery is hard and often painful work and most people who walk into the doors of AA aren't Willing to do what it takes to stay sober and so after a period of time (sometimes long sometimes short) they go back out. They're a few people here with some years sober and they will agree that online is a great supplement but can't take the place of face to face meetings. Good luck, Bob.
BTW. People who admit that they're powerless over alcohol and that they need help aren't losers, they're the Winners and if you make it to a meeting listen and find out who the winners are and who's just there to get their court card signed. Then ask the Women winner for their phone numbers and their help.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 18:29, 2006-11-29
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
I'm a long time alcoholic but also relatively new here. I make time every day to visit this forum as a constant reminder of what my life will come to if I drink. I know exactly what you are talking about. In my early twenties I lived w/ my parents for a time and used to have to wait for them to go out to cruise around town in search of a dumpster where I could throw out my garbage bags full of empty plastic vodka bottles I hid in my room. No one knew I drank. Not one single person. I drank after everyone was asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and got up a few hours later, usually still drunk. It sucked. Big time.
If you don't do anything else, come here every day. It helps. It really does.
ZB
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"You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream." Frank Zappa
Welcome Barb! I'm Tim, alcoholic. This is a great place to come with some awfully fine people you may be able to identify with in many ways. But more than only a sharing of nightmare stories and drunken revelry, there's a lot of inspirational readings. I start my day here every morning. By then Doll has posted the reading for the day(I always look forward to that Doll) and Wren with another(and those too my friend), and others with more. These really help to keep me on the right track and I do hope you'll find the same. It's the last place I come before beddie-bye, and I try to check in here as often as I can during the hours between.
You must have a lot of personal strength to have gone through what you have. That should help immenselywith having the will power to stay sober if you truly desire it. Good fortune to you!...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Hi (((((Barb)))) and welcome. I'm so glad you're here.
Truth is great, ain't it
Hope if you need more help than a message board can provide, you will seek your local chapter of AA and "deal" with hubby later. Take care of YOU first, without that, no one else matters.
2 things; 1) you never have to be alone again & 2) you never have to drink again.
Please keep coming back.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Tim, I will definately come back for the daily inspirations. I did restart my gratitude journal and it helps. Today is only day 6 but I feel good (ok, a little tired as I have only slept good the past two nights)
ZB, yup, I waited till everyone was gone, then tied them up in bags and threw them in the garbage. Last Thursdays was actually dumped down the drain and tossed in the can with shaky hands when my husband took the kids out for starbucks hot chocolate. I never claimed to be original LOL
Cooncatbob, didn't say I wouldn't go, just said I wasn't ready *grin* I am not looking for online recovery, I think I took the first brave step yesterday by actually admitting it. I only want to look 200 yards ahead for now. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have yet to read anything about the 12 steps. but will be in the coming days.
Quetzal, The day before Thankgiving my 9 year old daughter asked me why I was shaking so bad ( I was trying to pour her milk, I told her I had too much coffee )that hit hard and yes, I had already been drinking. Why I drank on Thanksgiving I've no clue other than to not shake at the dinner table ( I did anyway )
Cam, thanks for the welcome. I hope to come in often to read posts, and contribute if I can. (which is what I did before I joined. I checked out a couple other boards and they just didn't seem to fit me )
Doll, Thank you for the #1 #2, I know I will go eventually as right now I have no desire to drink, but I know six months from now I will have forgotten what I went through and might slip up thinking I can handle it. So I know I will need to keep my head a little more than above water.
Tina, Thanks for the welcome and the invitation to talk whenever I want :) You never know when I'll take you up on that ;)
Ive been hiding vodka and got caught only a month and a half into my marriage. She confronted me and even though Ive been doing it for years, Ive been praying to God (with my wife) and surrendering myself wholly to being sober!
Im on day 3 of not going by the liquor store to buy vodka, and its good, its not great but its good, as long as she is there I have her to lean on, and Im the luckiest man alive to have my wife on my side so early on in our marriage, honesty is the key, if you want more then read the thread I started, best of luck babe, this is a HELL OF A RIDE
