"Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone lead to sovereign power."
– Alfred Tennyson


My friend posted this on another board... and when I read it, it reminded me of what I need to strive for actually... it actually coincides with the meeting I went to yesterday about adolescent urges and immaturity, we talked about lack of self-control, the need for everyone to like us, etc... Self-reverence... I don't have much respect for myself... sometimes I do, when I look at how long I have sober and realize I'm a miracle because I haven't drank... I feel a little self-respect then, knowing I've accomplished something huge. But generally, I have low self-esteem, it's getting a little better, but not where it needs to be... Self-knowledge... I don't know who I am right now... sometimes I do... but that whole questioning everything right now, with dealing with the DID, what of my life was me, and what was my alters? So much of my life is blackouts, not remembering anything, why did they get to live my life for me? And who am I, am I so weak that I couldn't handle to live my own life? I'm really lost as far as who I am right now... Self-control... I totally lack that. The self-control when I get the urge to drink is so much better, I do have self-control then, I do what I'm supposed to do - call someone, pray, read the big book, etc... But in other aspects, there's no self-control. The smoking... I'm forced to practice self control now, but it's not so much self-control as the fact that I just have no way to get cigarettes. I'm so bad about impulsiveness... like I decided I just had to have a dog, and within 2 weeks I had one against my hubby's wishes, also one that was a little too big for our small apartment, but it was the one I just had to have, and it nearly broke us paying for shots and spaying and adding dog food to the expensive cat food and other necessities we already have to buy... then impulse shopping in general, I can't go into walgreens to pick up a prescription without buying $30 worth of other stuff that I don't necessarily need. I went last weekend to pick up a few things and wound up getting the critters' christmas stockings among other things we didn't need and here we are overdrawn and no money to our name. It's $30 here, $60 there... I just don't think when I spend it. No self-control.

And here I go rambling... another form of lack of self-control lol When I read that quote it just really reminded me of what I need to be striving for, what I need to fix in my life, and it will take some work to achieve those things in that quote, but I'm not afraid of some hard work.