Why do I do this? I'm setting myself up to fail... I do this when I start doing good. I haven't taken my morning meds in 3 days. I'm still taking 2 of them because I get withdrawals if I don't have them, and I can't function without those two. But I'm sick of being on so many meds, and I did ok on just these 2 before so I want to try it on those two again. I actually thought about totally going off meds but I remembered how crazy I was without the geodon and I don't want to go back to that.
I'm stopping counseling... had an appt set up with a new psychologist but we can't afford it so I'm cancelling it, and my current counselor is just a church counselor and said he can't really help with the DID, and I don't want to talk about the abuse lately, been pushing it away, and I don't want to talk to my counselor at all right now, if I go I have to talk about something and there's nothing I want to talk about, so I'm just not going.
And I haven't been to a meeting in a week... was busy with a wedding, then family stuff all weekend, then Monday I just didn't go, stayed home and cooked and cleaned and got Christmas stuff out. Tuesday my friend came over so I didn't go to a noon meeting and we did some running around and I actually got back in time for the evening meeting but I Told my sponsor I didn't and that I didn't go because we were out and about. Wednesday I had a migraine, but it went away after a couple of hours with meds, and I should've gone to a later meeting but I didn't. Today we're about to head out to family stuff and will be gone all day/evening so no meeting. And I've been getting up early enough for noon meetings but I'm just not going, even though that was the reason to start getting up earlier, along with getting on more of some kind of schedule and to sleep better at night. So I *have* to go to a meeting tomorrow whether I feel like it or not. I tell my sponsor I'll try to go to a late meeting if I had things to do during the day, but then I don't do it, and I tell myself well she has no way of knowing if I went or not, she doesn't ask, and I don't tell her I didn't go.
I know with all this I"m just setting myself up to fail. I'm trying to handle things on my own, well not totally on my own, I'm trying to give it up to God and let Him handle it, but I know He's been handling it by giving me these meds and counseling and meetings, but... I dunno... I'm just tired of everything. Meetings are ok, I"ll go to meetings, I've just been in a rut. But counseling and meds... no more counseling... and less meds. We'll see how I do. And I know it's stupid because I have been up and down lately, not a time to stop some of my meds and counseling... but the downs haven't been that bad at all, just every now and then I just kinda give up for a little bit, then I'm fine again. No bad thoughts of doing anything I shouldn't, it's not so bad, I can handle it. I handled it for years totally off meds, and no counseling, I should be able to handle it now like this.
Hi Lisa. I don't really know what to say to this. You are the only one that can answer your question of "why do I do this?". I know in the beginning, dealing with everything was something I ran from, so sabatoging myself was easy. I gave myself permission to feel and be miserable, and boy, did I ever. Until I finally gave myself permission to be okay, to learn about myself, and eventually to find out that I'm an okay person after all. I hope you are being careful, cuz your title indicates that perhaps you are doing just that--setting yourself up. I hope you make the right choices for yourself, and keep reaching back when hands are reaching towards you. Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Sounds like a lot of excuses and a ton of self-pity going on. I can really relate right now! In a tough spot myself. One thing I have learned is that I'm not a doctor. I can't self-medicate my troubles away. I need to confer with a professional in these matters.
Bottom line, I am my own worse enemy and without reaching out for help I am destined to fail. I am an expert at self-destruction. I can do it as good, or better than anyone else if I choose to. Or I can face reality and make solid choices with the guidance of people in and outside of the program.
Hope this helps. It's Thanksgiving. And hopefully a sober one for most of us. Take care of #1, okay?
DID is disociative identity disorder,, and it used to be called multiple personalities? Disociating is when we mentally and emotionally separate ourselves from something. It could be that we dissociate from abuse that is happening, by thinking of something else and forgetting where we are and what is happening,, and/or it could be part of our selves that is separating from other parts of ourselves and so we get fragmented. When we split ourselves off into separate personas it is often because we have come to think that we are in danger and it is protective. Part of our selves becomes hidden, sometimes so hidden that we are not even conscious of it ourselves. Sometimes it is compensatory, and I can have a rough and tough persona that can handle the abuse.
I had "Janis Joplin" and "Doris Day", and the real 'me' was hidden way down deep. There were a couple of other minor roles that I could assume in various circumstances,,, but I really didn't know who the real 'me' was, since I had never had an opportunity to develop my real self. It took a few years of recovery work to 'integrate' various aspects of my personality, keeping the best of all, and dropping what was counterproductive. Like 'Janis' drinking, and 'Doris' denial. But now,,,, I am 'me',, and like Sammy Davis, Jr. sang,, 'who else can I be but who I am? I want to live... '
The real me is sensitive, and sometimes still wants to withdraw, and does when things become overwhelming. And that is okay.
The phrase 'sabotaging my self' is actually very appropos. My 'self' is like my inner child and I will never sabotage her again. She is precious,,, no matter what others might think. I am learning to take caare of her and love her - "me".
God bless you,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
