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Post Info TOPIC: I hate alcohol
Scott


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I hate alcohol
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I hate what this stuff makes me do.


It’s not getting better. It’s only getting worse, and I really, really don’t want to have to do A.A., but I don’t know what else to do. I pop in here every month or so, and nothing is ever better. I look back at my previous topics, where I lament and say woe is me, but nothing ever gets better.


I’ve been out drinking 3 out of the last 4 nights. I lie to my wife and tell her I’m going to the bookstore to study, and I really go to the bar. I’ve started taking classes and I work all day, then sit in class for 4 hours every night, Monday through Thursday. So I have no free time and I am starting to drink more and more, and get drunk every time I go out. I’m smoking every time I drink, and I’m not normally a smoker.


Last night, I was unfaithful to my wife while I was drunk, and now I’m wracked with guilt and shame. This stuff is ruining my life. Alcohol is ruining my life. I have absolutely no control over it. It is controlling me and it is ruining my life. It’s draining my bank account and slowly killing me. I hate it so much. I hate it, hate it, hate it!


I’m like one of those people who everyone thinks, on the outside, has it all together. I’ve got a decent job, take classes in the evening working toward a degree in the medical field, I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful daughters. I have a nice house in suburbia, two cars, and a dog. I have good friends and a good family, and a lot of support. I’m educated and, I think, fairly intelligent.


And yet I’ve got this dark side where I go out and binge drink when my wife thinks I’m studying, draining my bank account, running up credit card debt, damaging my liver and god knows what else, driving drunk (it’s UNBELIEVABLE that I’ve never had a DUI), and now, cheating on my wife. I cheated on my wife while I was drunk!


How did I get here? How did I get to this awful, god-forsaken place? Alcohol is destroying me. It’s literally dismantling my life, piece by wretched piece.


I need help.

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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Phil


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Almost like looking in a "Remember when Mirror"  reading your post


And the last thing I ever wanted to do was give up..and surrender.. that I needed help "Big Time" and could not do it on my own...


Well....I lost everything there was to loose...and even then...I didnt want to go to AA...


But once I made the step to go through those doors (while looking around corners to see if anyone saw me)..I knew I was in the right place...


Just another bunch of drunks...the same as I was...trying to stay sober one day at a time...


I wish I could say ...that after a few meetings...everything was ok..


.I bounced in and out..for 7 years...trying to drink..and get life better, at the same time...


Didnt work....


But when I completely surrendered to the fact...that there was no other path to take...It became a lot easier...


And that big EGO had to take a nose dive....


Thinkin of yu bud...



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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Scott


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Thanks for the kind words, Phil.


This is just the most awful feeling.  I want to just crawl in a hole and die. 


I don't even know how to go about getting in A.A. because I'm in class every night of the week, except Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Also, how would I explain the need to go to A.A. to my wife??  She doesn't know I'm still struggling!  She's married to an alcoholic who gets drunk and cheats on her, and she doesn't even know it!  I'm a useless, worthless piece of sh*t. 



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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Phil


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AA numbers in the phone book....give it a call....someone will hook up with you...


If youre near or in a city there are are AA meetings everywhere 24/7  If not...theres always a meeting somewhere....


As for spouse?  Complete honesty without going into anything that will hurt her...


Simple as saying "Honey..I have a big problem with alcohol..and I want to do something about it"


And no..youre not a worthless piece of shit...You made mistakes...We all have...


We get sober..and try to not make them again...and do the best we can to become better..


We are not bad people trying to get good...We are sick people, trying to get well...


 



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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
shaun


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yeah scott,that how it was for me,just like that.Do i really have to do AA?thats for real problem drinkers right? and anyway they are a cult right? god this and god that.I guess for me id run out of options,i was certainly running out of wifes!


As ive said id run out of options and i started going to AA.I learnt after a while that i suffered from an illness,an illness that would keep on telling me that i hadnt got it!! and the insane thing was i would keep listening to it,telling me i could drink like normal people but the truth was i couldnt.At some point in my life,my drinking had changed.dont matter why,dont matter when just that i coundnt stop once i started.


After some time things got better,i could see more clearly and the truth was staring me in the face,once i started i couldnt stop,not for wifes,kids,jobs,or money.So what next? i remained open minded,got a sponsor and started the steps.Just for 24hrs i dont have to drink and life is good,thats not lip service,i mean it, life is good.You are not alone my friend,and it is possible.


AA is such a big part of my life............just a bunch of alkies that have found a way not to drink for 24hrs......give them a go my friend......their be glad to see you..............shaun



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Scott


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I really am hating myself right now and feel very, very hopeless.  This may be the worst day of my life. 



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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Phil


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Yup..I agree...It certainly might  be... the worst day of your life....


OR...It might be the first day of a NEW LIFE


Your call buddy....


You fire me your phone number at philipld@sympatico.ca


and Ile give you a call anytime...doesnt matter where you are...


 



-- Edited by Phil at 11:14, 2006-10-30

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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
shaun


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go for it scott,live in the solution,not the problem............give the man yer number.This could be the start of your new and better life 

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Scott


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Thanks Phil.  I'll send you an email. 


I just want it to end now.  Today.  I want it to be over.  No more games, no more tiptoeing around the issue of not drinking.  No more "I'll just have one drink" promises to myself.  It ends today. 


 



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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Scott


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As I told Phil in an email, I'm scared to give him my phone number.  I'm scared to take that step.  I'm just scared of everything right now.

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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Phil


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Its ok Scott..if email works thats ok....too..


Theres one thing that wasnt mentioned...


You are not alone in this shit....and dont hafta be...any more...


Its a walk through the fear thing...one step at a time....and if you do that....?


Youre going to ok.....Later bud...



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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
wagon


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hey scott, yep been there, i couldnt stand to drink and couldnt stand to be sober, i installed this program in my life and i am a new person. this program is a miracle!!And it works if i stay out of the way and let it. hang in there i am thinking of you. wagon

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Wagon
soberdrunk


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My problem was, and still is, that I LOVE alcohol! I guess it's one of those love/hate relationships. This love of booze will never be gone. All I can do is be honest and willing while working the steps and not picking up that 1st god-forsaken drink.


It gets better!



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Justin S.
Jo


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What a reminder of what it is like out there.  I do feel compassion for you because it sounds to me like you hate yourself more for what you do to others and yourself.  I see all of this stuff listed in with your own hand typing the words, making that list of what actions you despise in your life.  And still alcohol lies to you and tells you its all okay to keep drinking and smoking and what ever else comes with it.  I really don't see how beating yourself up over it if you keep on going back out again and again.  As Phil said, let this be the time you reach out, not run away again. 


This is an amazing reminder of how powerful, cunning and baffeling the stuff can be. I hope you make the choices that make you proud and give your wife and daughters the chance to live with the man she married, not the shadow you say yourself you have become.  None of the outside matters if the inside is dead.  Please get yourself some help.  You do deserve it.  Really you do.


Sincerely,  Jo-Anne



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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
Scott


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TODAY, I will not drink.  It doesn't matter what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, but TODAY I will not drink.


That's my new mantra, and I plan on using it each morning.



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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Phil


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Right on!!!  Scott...

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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
wantneeda


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Hello (((Scott))) and welcome,


my name is Wendy and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict


I really know how you feel my friend.Trying to escape myself, Wendy, with chemicals. I had 14 months clean and sober and had way too much on my plate. Trying to fill the void with people, places and things. I slipped for a year. Thank God i found my way back, some don't. I know this disease to take, it doesn't give, it takes and takes until we're dead.


Your spirit is screaming, crying out for life. You have the courage (or you wouldn't be here on this board), you have the strength and willingness in your heart, just tap in, go there.


Sometimes, for me, even the thought of staying straight ALL OF THIS DAY, is a tall order. Baby steps. one minute, one moment at a time. and don't forget to breathe:)


Honestly beating myself up keeps me sick. Seems to give my disease the go ahead to drink. I know in my heart Wendy is precious, Wendy is beautiful and Wendy is worthwhile. (mirror work/talk)


Scott is precious, Scott is beautiful, Scott is worthwhile. Tell yourself.


Ya know, your wife and girls might see/know more than you think. That big pink elephant in the room that no-one wants to talk about. they may be holding their breathe as you read this.


The all important thing is you. And living/being in this moment.


AA saved my life. I turned my back. Thank God they welcome me back with open arms. We are a family. I know how scary the thought of AA is...


because of the program,AA, i didn't drink yesterday


i can't go around slippery places. I can't hang out with people that drink/drug. I can't go where i know it is. And i gotta change the way i think.


Optimism.


Easy does it


Keep it simple


We can do it!!!


Keep coming back!!!


Saying a prayer for you Scott.


Wendy



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Scott


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Thank you, Wendy.  What a wonderful post.  That really helps me.  I sincerely appreciate it. 

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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
Scott


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TODAY, I will not drink.  It doesn't matter what happened yesterday, or what happens tomorrow.  But TODAY, I will not drink.


 



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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
jeannie


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It is what you make it - If you choose to be miserable then so be it but if you choose to be sober then so be it  - it is all your choice - if you choose this program then you have to do it for you - not for anyone else.  It is a selfish program and also at the same time it is a we program.  Selfishness is doing the program for you and the we part is that we (other alcholics) are here for you.  I had similar feelings as you and I feel for you - you have to hit your bottom and where ever your bottom ends that is your choice.  Here is a few of the sayings that I live by


Keep It Super Simple - this is on the back of my first year medallion


Easy Does It - when you take the e, d,and i there is another saying


Emotions Destroy Intelligence.


Just my share at this moment in time.


Later - Jeannie 



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Robert


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Scott wrote:


TODAY, I will not drink.  It doesn't matter what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, but TODAY I will not drink.


That's my new mantra, and I plan on using it each morning.




why not try to get to a meeting as well, to get support. My best thinking got me here. I was a totally different person when I had a drink in me, and it was never just the one, its that first one, they say that gets you drunk... you will come to see that not all alcoholics look like alcoholics, if you get what I mean,most of us scrub up quite well. (on the outside) you dont need to get to that stage (its waiting) if your an alcoholic as it describes in the big book of alcoholics annoymous,


I wish you well.



Rob



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Scott


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Thanks for the continued support, folks.


Today I will not drink.


It doesn't matter what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, but TODAY I will not drink.


Day 4.



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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
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