You love me so much; you want to put me in your pocket. And I should die there smothered. -- D. H. Lawrence
Adult children often try to control people to keep them from moving away. To ensure that we won't be left alone, we might smother-love them with everything we have.
Of course, we become obsessed with the person we're trying to control. But even worse, this caretaking behavior eventually leads us to become more addicted to the problem than to the person. We become good at solving other people's problems and wiping away their tears; that's our skill. And that's why we so often end up attracting and being attracted to people who have monumental personal problems.
Oftentimes, our very hanging on guarantees the relationship will fail. When we try to control those we love we stand the chance of crippling our loved ones and ourselves. We must first aim for being healthy ourselves -- only then can we learn to be part of a healthy relationship.
Today, I will let my loved ones face their own problems. I can love these people without fixing them.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
You know, Im 52 days sober today, working slowly on my 4th step and I'm a wreck. I mean, I've got unemployment to pay my bills, but I'm not ready to work and it is scaring the crap out of me. I'm in a relationship because I was in it before A A and we are very much in love. He is also in the program too. Should I go to al anon meetings to cut this crap? I am very smothering. I have a constant need for attention and if I don't get it, I'm angry. This is rediculous. I'm 22 years old. Please someone give me advice before I lose him. He's been very understanding thus far, but I know what I'm doing wrong, but it just happens, a fight I mean, and before I know it, I'm apologizing and it clouds his heart, I'm sure of it.
welcome to MIP, Hollywood. First, wonderful on 52 days! Big accomplishment, stringing all those 24s together.
Yeah, relationships are rough enough on their own, so pretty hard those first months, eh? I'd follow Phil's suggestion about alanon. It's not easy, getting yourself together in the beginning and maintaining a healthy relationship at the same time. But it does get better with time, really. In the beginning, I couldn't go pay a bill without someone holding my hand, I was a major wreck also. Putting cohesive thoughts together? Forget it. Time passed, and pretty soon things started to clear up, the fog lifted a little bit more, and other AAs helped me so much. Had a good sponsor, dumped alot on her. Kept on with the steps. Eventually, you'll feel more grounded. Lotsa meetings, helping newcomers. Keep coming back and let us know how you're doing. Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thanks so much. My sponsor kept telling me to go to al anons...she described it as helping me to understand my parents in their addictions, but never did she say it would help me recognize the cycles lol That probably would've prevented me from blowing them off haha
