We all have some kind of “Stuff” cluttering our lives. It is so easy for the psychological “Stuff” to accumulate. It can come from childhood disasters, broken relationships, etc. We store this “Stuff” in closets, attics, basements, and garages of our being. On the surface no one can see how we hide all the garbage. But as someone wants to get close to us and opens one of our doors everything comes down on their heads and almost suffocates the innocent victim.
It is not hard to understand as time goes by, that everyone starts to avoid opening any of our doors. Sometimes we don’t realize the garbage is all over. We think that when we got away from all the mess and when the dump truck took that problem away from us, our life would now be great. All this “Stuff” is different from one person to another. A bit of post traumatic stress, a feeling of failure, blame, anger, resentment, and on and on. We hide it in the garage, attic, ………. but, anyone who visits us can’t step over it, or walk around it.
We think this new person will help us get rid of all this stuff. Some might want to help but realize as they start the task that a lot of this stuff is sharp; it cuts and even stabs. All we have succeeded in accomplishing is to continue floating in our garbage and drowning the potential lifeguards that try to save us. If you see yourself living in this horror house of garbage, maybe just maybe, you will realize it is time to do something about it. (What you say? Should I move?) I don’t feel this method works for a lot of people. I have been told sometimes your “Stuff” moves with you.
What worked for me was Spring-cleaning. I went to each area of my being and looked at and felt (the emotions) of each item stored. I made a decision, which I call a “Mind Set.” My mind set was to acknowledge forever that the items I throw away would never be allowed to upset me again. They are in the past as pages of an old book. My mindset of the future will be writing new pages and chapters to complete the rest of my book of life. I have held onto some of that old stuff as a beacon. For my personality today is a composite of the good and bad stuff in my life. The experiences I have faced have made me grow. I am today all of my experiences of yesterday. I’m not holding on to be a victim, martyr or a masochist. I want to use these experiences as the foundation to build my new house. My “Mind Set” for the “Stuff” I toss out and what I have saved is the same, I will never let them upset me again.
Wayne L. Misner
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Excellent post, Phil. Not to divert away from the fact that I, too, have "old stuff" that I'm always trying to work on, but what really clarified ptsd for me, was my Husband had/has a whopping case of it. I know he wouldnt mind me sharing this, as he is quite out spoken about sharing his experiences with it.
He had a combination of a very disturbing childhood, coupled with the war, and then a marriage that fed and capitalized on his disease. At one point, even his therapist said " I see no sense in continuing therapy when you refuse to move forward; you must need to go back out there for awhile and see if you can alienate the rest of the world". Harsh words, but within a year, he was back in group therapy. Stayed for over six years. The man I live with now is not the man that I discovered in our first years of marriage. Such anger and resentments and down right fury carried over from previous life happenings! It was a real nightmare, and for this alcoholic, hanging onto the program by my fingertips was a way of life at times. Having been a runner most of my life, this was new to me. But I hung onto the potential of what I knew was deep down in this tortured man, and it was well worth it. He does still have his moments (boy, and so do I), but he has become so healthy in comparison.
The point being, in my rambling, that he made the choice to do whatever it took to get well. It meant enough to him, once he began recognising stuff, to open himself up, dig the past out and do what needed to be done. I will always be in awe and have deep respect for someone who can truly face their changes and not just talk about them, but put them into action. It is a disease I cannot even concieve the depth of. Truly, it makes me grateful to be an alcoholic.
So, I look at a man who confronted these things, dealt and is dealing with them, and I am humbled. It also keeps my own issues in perspective, and helps me stay on top of them. Like everything else in my life, these are all things that I could not have dealt with had I not been sober. But staying sober thru this, keeping priorities in line, and the end result was/is more than I could have hoped for. Just knowing he cared enough to take action for his life, for our lives together? Makes me a very grateful woman. We passed our sixteenth anniversary, and the first ten were real iffy. The last six have been very rewarding. We all do what we need to do. Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
This quote from one of your other posts really hits home..
"If you listen thoughtfully and with an empathetic ear during conflict, you can transform clashes into opportunities to compromise. Examine your thoughts and feelings carefully. You may discover stubbornness within yourself that is causing resistance or that you are unwittingly feeding yourself negative messages about your adversary. As your part in disagreements becomes gradually more clear, each new conflict becomes another chance to further hone your empathy, compassion, and tolerance. ~Daily Om"
And the part you shared about your husband....hit a chord also...
I look at my last marriage....and had a big problem with listening...I listened but..I didnt "Get It"
And if things hit too close to home on my side?....that shit from the past would come to the surface...walls would go up....and I'd lash out...verbally and abusivally.
I dont know if that stuff from the past, ever goes away...I truly dont...
I think its a matter of being aware of it on a daily basis...and working on it daily...
And yes..if I'm honest? I guess it is a form of PTSD....
I was in a marriage where I firmly beleive that we both were in that category..
There were things that came to the surface..that were from the past...from both sides...that if I take an honest look at it today...had nothing to do with our relationship...It was past stuff...and triggers...
Sad shit gal....
Have a good one....
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Phil, I have to believe, once I've recognized that it is stuff from the past ( and I have that in bold, because there are so many things that I didn't recognize that had a great bearing on my responses later in life--but, it took the therapist I went to, to help me learn how to deal with my husband? to teach me this), that I truly can change it. I'm going to go all open right now, and share something that I do not speak about to anyone. So, of course, I'm posting it on a big ol public board, right? Today, my parents and I have a healed relationship. It took alot of work, most of it on my Dad's side. But there was a span of about five or six years, when I was acting out during pre-teen years and then some. A very impressionable age. Anyway, if I got out of line as a young person, or even had the wrong look on my face? I would find myself sitting on the other side of the room. Quickly, without using my feet. My dad could do an open hand that made me hear birds. He got help, it had stopped by the time I was sixteen. But, what's done is done. So, I subconsciously felt that if a man really loved me, he would hit me for my own good. For me, this was a fact. Of course, this escalated into the need to be abused, because after all, I deserved it. After awhile, I didn't even see how wrong it was. When I got sober, that was it. I never allowed anyone to hurt me again. But it was years and years later before I found out where it all began. I even left a good man because he just wasn't "tough enough" for me. Jesus. All we can ask for is for our HP to guide us in the direction to start re-learning emotions, healthy emotions. To know that we deserve to be treated right. Not only know it, but when the time arises, to know that we need to get away from abuse. Or, get away from someone that may bring out the "mean" in ourselves. I did take my son and leave my husband for a while, until he would get help. 'doesn't matter if it's verbal or physical, I know today that I deserve better, and there is no reason under the sun that I will settle for anything less. Nor do I expect anyone to expect less from me, either.
There are old things and reactions that I feel cropping up, nearly every single day. Old resentments, old memories. And I stop them in their tracks. Because today is a new day. Today, I expect to get what I give. I don't think any of us should settle for less. Hope I'm saying what I'm trying to say here. Sort of a---allow yourself to be happy, cuz what's done is done, and it doesnt have to ever be repeated. No "Groundhog Day".love you alot. chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
