I'm in the middle of a major decision at the moment, and wondered if you could maybe help me see more clearly. I attend al anon. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and also takes drugs sometimes. He tries not to drink and usually lasts about three weeks and then has a huge bender. He has been to rehab numerous times both before I met him and since. As far as I can see he is not interested, for whatever reason to find sobriety. He dismisses AA and recovery programmes saying he's tried it all before.
His life is crumbling, and mine with it I'm starting to see. I do not enable him in any way. He misses work, I don't phone in. I don't give him money etc etc.
This has been going on for a while now and I have decided to leave him. I have told him this and I will not change my mind even though it is so tough. I believe I have to walk away to protect both of us. I have told him he has to be out by the end of the week. I will stick to this.
Last night he came home drunk, having disappeared for 36 hours. He seems to think this is okay.
We bickered a bit. I try not to get dragged in, but sometimes he is so hurtful I find myself having to reply just to protect myself. Anyway, I asked him how long he expected me to live like this. He said it was my decision.......
I asked him if he had any intention of ever being sober. He evaded the question for ages saying I was blowing it all out of proportion blah blah blah. In the end he said he would probably always go on as he is.....
That confirmed to me that I had made the right decision. There and then. No more persuasion. No more empty promises.
For me, I try to understand, make sense of it all. As far as I can see, his mission, albeit unwittingly is to test people in his life. He is on a constant quest to test how far he can push me. He also does this with other people. How far can he push till I have no choice but to leave.
He used to be loving and caring, but he's getting sicker and sicker, mentally and physcially and it is so heartbreaking.
I pray to HP to give me strength.
If you could help me understand whats driving him I would be very grateful. He says I don't understand and he's right. I don't.
I am so truly sorry that you have so much upset going on in your life right now. But, you must look after yourself and put yourself first. My boyfriend left me because of my alcoholism – he had to get out to save himself.
My nature has always been a loving, caring and giving one. But, after I had taken my first drink the only thing that I could think about was myself and getting another drink. Even if I wasn't drinking I was constantly obsessing about it. I was a completely different person from the one that my boyfriend had met thirteen years earlier. I said very hurtful and aggressive things to him when he was facing another possible spinal operation.
I was totally addicted to alcohol and placed it before anything and everything else. To me, that's the truly evil and black side of the disease. I was completely powerless over alcohol and I always will be.
It took me to hit my personal rock bottom before I went back to AA and was really ready to admit that I was an alcoholic. I had been to AA for eight weeks in 2004 and although I said “My name is Carol and I'm an alcoholic” I know that I hadn't accepted it and wasn't speaking from my heart.
For me, Annmarie, until I really accepted that I had a problem and was ready to face it, there wasn't anything else that anybody could do to help me. When I was ready to face things it wasn't nearly as harrowing or as difficult as I thought it was going to be.
I'm so glad that you are going to Al-Anon as you have been damaged by your boyfriend's alcoholism. Please know that I'll keep you both in my prayers. Please let us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Take good care of yourself,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Alcoholism is Cunning, Baffling & Powerful Disease - Annemarie,
I was with my A for six years. I'm amazed at the transformatin I took because of the roller coaster ride we went on. We abused each other emotionally. I needed to get sober so I broke it off with him. I just couldn't handle it anymore. He has his journey & I have mine. I pray for him. He is drinking everyday & seems fine with it, like yours. He also says he doesn't care if he dies from it....actually, that's the plan for him. There is nothing I could do for him. I had to break away.....it hurts & I miss him so much. There is love there, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
I can identify with the feller that has set to finish it out to the bitter end. That mindset can last years, and usually ends with just that- the bitter end. It's a tough one. The difficulty of facing up to often very serious reality and consequences convince you of hopelessness, and only grow in power to further convince you the longer you drink.
A feller like this can be so sunk into self pity that for someone else, mercy would be straightening out, for me mercy would be putting me out of my misery. You dont cure a rabid dog, you shoot it for it's own good and the good of everyone else, is a example of the rational. Putrid, stinking BS.
The problem I found, with this bitter end deal, is that when it finally arrives, it just doesnt work like it's supposed to. Destruction is destruction, or they would call it something else. You got pretty good insight for yourself from those women's point of view, for him, just pray that on this path that he travels, one day his eyes will open, and he'll look, see, and listen to one like me pulled out for the sole purpose of standing to the side to warn the bridge is out ahead.
Thank you all so much for your replies and for helping me to understand,
I guess somehow I needed confirmation in my own mind. I know I am making the right decision in that the relationship has to end.
I have given him a date to be out by. I have told him that if he does not do this, his clothes and things will be in the garage and the locks will be changed. This is one of the hardest things I will ever do , but I will do it. I know I have no other choice really. This is my way of trying to do whats right for both of us.
And I pray so hard that he will find his way. I don't know if he will or not. He told me this morning that I was breaking his heart.......
Thanks for listening and helping Sending you all love and prayers AM
