almost left...

LisaF · Senior Member

almost left...

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Hi Lisa -

I think you are quite lucky to have a spouse that wants to be involved in your recovery. Yes, in a year, maybe you will drift apart. But if you both work the steps - together - you could have a marriage made in Heaven.

Your sponsor is correct in telling you that your feelings are "mixed-up." There is a reason why alcoholics shouldn't seek relationships in that first year. First, everyone is "needy" and you can't give your sobriety 100% effort if your in a new relationship. Second, the people we are attracted to, early in recovery, are the same people we had in our earlier relationships. They're carbon copies.

A counselor told me a long time ago, that if I thought of a relationship within my first year of recovery - RUN - because that person is just as sick as I was.

Again, you are truly blessed to have a spouse who wants to be involved. My ex wanted nothing to do with Alanon or AA - because it was my problem. After a year of sobriety and having the choice of going back into a "sick" relationship or travel my path alone and sober - I chose to be alone.

Work with your hubby. Years from now - whatever happens - you'll be thankful that you gave it your best shot.

Dave Harm

Creating dreams, from the nightmares of hell

Toni Baloney · Senior Member

Hi Lisa,

Well I sure do share Dave's words here. Someone, a male friend, told me in my first year, that if you see a person that you are really attracted to, same advice, walk away and never look back. Smart words, for I did find I had some major attactions, in that first two years, and I followed my friends advice, I would never return to that meeting, ever again. And it works,

Keeping Sobriety first in Everything, was my commitment, and somehow i did stay Sober, that is what I wanted more than anything.

Have to tell you too, once I was listening to this Lecturer, as the University I was attended, he had chosen for the day to lecture on the state of Being in Love. Very Powerful lecture, I recall, and his words were, that this state of FALLING in Love, where we feel our own boundaries coming down, we feel, at last, no longer alone, Wrong!!! The same boundaries will come back up, and we are left just as alone as before, even feeling more lonely inside.

His words, this part, I never forgot, "That this state of FALLING in Love is so very Powerful, it will and can take down the most intelligent of all human beings", no one is immune to this Powerful state.

Today I tend not to trust how I feel too much, only and only if it is complimentary to my own state of well being. My take on this Significant Other stuff is simple, If God wants me to be in a Relationship, it will be revealed to me, spiritually.

You take good care of Lisa, Have a good day, and right after the Please dear God, no matter what, help me not DRINK today, I say, still, also Please help me to not THINK today.

Huggies to you.

Toni

RyanS · Senior Member

Your to young to know what the heck you want. You might find out you had what you needed all along. Youth is wasted on the young, and a recovering alcoholic at that. That set off every alarm bell in my head, especially that 40 year older asshole part.
Us drunks like to pull out the ol mental crayon and start coloring the grass greener anywhere but where we are at when things get a little dull or routine. And we can color up some pretty wild stuff.

----- Remember we demand instant gratification in all things, and this is our undoing. ---

Building a foundation for sobreity, life, and marriage is not always fun time. But the wise will sense that slow, quiet and steady satisfaction of wellness which will grow and satisfy with time and effort.

RyanS · Senior Member

I just have to add one thing that got me down in the gut. This old feller, if things are as you say, is a snake. A piece of filth. That's too old for immaturity or puppy love to be an excuse. If he knows the facts about you, and has any sense, he would see that you are young, immature, vulnerable, and unstable. And MARRIED. If he would then in any manner try divide you and your husband, or entertain your doubts about your marriage, then piss on him.

soberdrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hi Lisa,

I read your post and I am pretty surprised that there was no mention of a sponsor anywhere.

This is just my take. You are thinking way too much! And the part about inviting your husband to your one on one counseling kind of takes the one on one part out and doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Getting sober involves working the steps and finding out what's wrong with us and teaches us how to deal with life in healthy ways. Outside help is always useful. I attended counseling tonight as a matter of fact and then went to my meeting.

Trying to find a person of the opposite sex to become intimate with could very well lead back to the next drunk.

All I can suggest is find a woman in the program, again I say a woman, who is married, who has been married for some time, and has good long term sobriety, and discuss some of this stuff with her.

The answers will come if your own house is in order. That is a promise hidden in the Big Book!

Take care.

cindy · Senior Member

i agree with ryans take on this.

RyanS · Senior Member

'Trying to find a person of the opposite sex to become intimate with'
That can also lead to some interesting experiences. Just the other day, I went to cash my check, and I smiled at the teller.
She smiled back.
Then she said, "Have a nice day!" Then she told me to please come back!

I am a wild, dangerous animal.
Somebody stop me. I cant wait till next friday.

LisaF · Senior Member

hubby and I did a LOT of talking last night... and I think it's because he wants to get involved in my life now, and he actually went to church with me for the first time last night, he's trying to get involved, and it made me want to open up a little more... most of the talking was about church, theological discussion, but my recovery got thrown into the discussion some too.

We realized a lot of what we need to be doing... it's like we've been on "cruise control" with our relationship for a long time, not putting any effort into it. And that needs to change. We need to take the time to talk when I get home from my meetings and he's home from work. Just talk for a bit before we do our own thing, computers, tv, whatever. We need to cuddle and watch a movie together every now and then. Or go to the park together, go walk the dog together. We actually decided to start doing bible studies together a couple of times a week, because when we get onto theology we talk for hours and it gets the conversation going. We prayed together last night before we went to sleep.

We were talking today about how good last night went and we both had that little thought that it's almost like we don't need counseling, we know what we *need* to be doing, but we know counseling will help, if nothing else that accountability thing, someone asking us if we're doing what we need to be doing, someone to give us suggestions on what else we need to be doing, and somewhere to talk about our issues with an outside opinion.

I'm realizing if we do these things, if we get more involved in each other's lives, try to make it OUR life and not our seperate lives, we will grow closer, and maybe I'll get that in love feeling back.

And as far as this other guy, I'm realizing all it is is that I'm seeing things in him that I want in my husband, the understanding, communication, etc... and I explained this to hubby and told him what those things are that I want. Really that's all there is to this thing with this other guy. And my friend doesn't want anything from me at all, and he's made that clear, maybe that's part of what's so attractive, a guy that doesn't want anything from me.

As far as hubby sitting in on my counseling on occasion, I see no problem with that, he'll get a better understanding of what I'm dealing with, and mostly he'll just be listening in to see where I'm at. If we try it and I don't like it, we wont' keep doing it. But I want to try it.

I told him today he can read my abuse stuff I've been working on from my books, but that anything he doesn't understand or that he has problems with, I want him to bring it up in counseling where we can discuss it with my counselor and intern there and he agreed to that.

So at least we're realizing what needs to change, what needs to be done. I think the counseling will be great for us. Seeing last night that things CAN be good if we put some effort into it, makes me want to try harder in our relationship. Makes me see that I can get that in love feeling back if we just put some effort into everything.

Toni Baloney · Senior Member

Hi Lisa,

I have been reading and reading all that you are expressing, and that fact is awesome, truly.

I share Justin's view here, where is the Sponsor Person, that is the guide thru this 12 Steps of Recovery. A missing critical link here, unless you do have one, and I have overlooked this.

Second, I have not seen any suggestions of Alanon, for you Husband. This is one awesome powerful group of people that can best, in my opinion support him as he goes through all these changes in him as he sees you in your own Recovery from Alcoholism.

Remember that Kalill Gabrab, little book, and how he speaks of a strong bond in any relationship, as two strong Pillars, holding up at different ends the foundation for this Powerful thing called a union between two loving people. Marriage.

The movie, "When a Man Loves a Woman" is 100% bullseye in my little opinion, as to what will work, and dealing with the fears of these changes...............individually...........and how they both succeed in bringing their marriage back together, in a stronger, healthier way than before.

Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here, I applaud all that you are doing, with Therapy, your Church stuff, going back to school, (well with the exception of gazing over the other side of the fence and saying oh, yeah, greener grass, just an on going phenominum that has been around since the beginning of time) but all these wonderful endevors you are taking on can be so complimentary to a somewhat simplier version of Recovery, getting a Sponsor, and working the twelve Steps of this Program, the proven way to recover from the Disease of Alcoholism.

Love ya Lisa,

Tonikins

LisaF · Senior Member

I've talked to my sponsor a little about all this... she thinks it's great that we're doing counseling, and trying to get the communication back. She hasn't suggested alanon, I really don't know that hubby would go. Maybe eventually as he gets a little more involved. I talked to her about my feelings towards the other guy, and she said my feelings are just mixed up, and I'm realizing she's right. She reminded me of the no big changes in the first year, that I don't need to leave hubby right now even if I want to, that I need to wait and see how I feel 10 months from now because if I left him now I could realize then what a big mistake it is and it could affect my sobriety. She also pointed out that my recovery and even counseling could make us grow apart, and maybe at my 1 year I may decide it is better to leave. But not to make the decision now.

My sponsor and I haven't had much chance to talk really since this came up with hubby, I've only gotten to talk to her a little about it, but I will talk to her more about it when I can.

Toni Baloney · Senior Member

Hi Again Lisa.

And Sorry for the oversight. You do have a Sponsor, that is wonderful.

This reminded me of a long conversation I had with a wonderful woman I am sponsoring, SHE told me that she saw a big problem in worrying about deadlines in her company, and what she is responsible for is a very important thing in her life today, She has an Awesome job that she has been in a Career with for many years, But she caught herself, with telling me that her problem was in projecting even into the end of this week, with this deadline. And how this worry was just taking her away from the "Just for today" powerful aspect of this Program. She said she was beginning to see the futility of worrying about what will happen, and it takes her away from what she is doing about it, today.

Yesterday is Gone, and even tomorrow is always going to be the Unknown for all of us, no matter how we look at it. That old "Life is what is happening as we make our Plans" is something that will catch me in a New York Minute when I start projecting the how and what I see in the future. Takes me back to the simple truth, I do not have the answers, and I never will regarding anything other than what is right in front of me.

Hugs to you and Kudos for all your hard work,

Love, Tonikins