You know something, I dont think I have ever really done step 1...I've gone to meetings and said the obligatory "Hi I'm duane and I'm an alcoholic" but it was always like I had my fingers crossed. Even right now I realize that I'm having trouble reconciling that what I have is alcoholism. That it is chronic and that one day it will kill me one way or another.
I guess some old timers might say that I'm just not ready yet and that I have more "experimenting" to do (old timers really piss me off sometimes) but I would like to believe that I'm intelligent enough and rational enough to realize it now and take the necessary action to heal myself. Is that totally out of the question? Is that not possible?
Okay, so tell me how I do a step 1 and mean it
PS. I'm going to probably be posting uncontrollably to keep from gout out so get used to it bucko.
You can't just do Step 1 and then it's 'done'. These 2 things, powerless and unmanagability, are conclusions I had to begin to come to each and every day. This is where a sponsor comes in. Only a sponsor who you could talk to face to face would know the right questions to ask you, the right path to put you on, to go from there.... Yes, you can get the jist of Step 1 on your own, but as scholarly and intellectual and bright as I was (LOL?), I didn't really start to FEEL or LIVE any of the Steps until I had someone helping me get there and stay there on a daily basis.
I started by doing exactly what it talks about in the Big Book. I read and re-read the Doctor's Opinion, more about alcoholism, and some of the stories, so I could continue to internalize and identify, yes, I am POWERLESS with a DISEASE that is incurable, and can only be arrested through accepting help. The way those people's lives were unmanagable, and the things they were powerless over, showed me the ways my own life was powerless and unmanagable.
The way I knew when I was finally wiling, is when I quit making judgements and started just asking for help, and following the suggestions. That's how bad I hurt. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I was willing as only the dying can be. You can get off this roller-coaster ride anytime I guess, but for me, it came down to admitting complete defeat, and my attitude regarding AA, "Shut up and do it, or die".
That was my experience with Step 1. Maybe not anyone else's, but mine.
I got myself a great sponsor and wanted to work the steps as soon as I could. I had heard enough folk in meetings say that that was what kept them sober. I was prepared to go to any length to get sober and to keep my sobriety.
It took me a while to write out my step 1. I ran on to about seven pages.
Here is a step 1 worksheet that I worked from in conjunction with the Big Book and 12x12 and my sponsor's advice and suggestions. I knew that doing a thorough step 1 wasn't going to be easy for me, but it was so much easier than trying to carry on living as I was.
Take care,
Carol
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Step 1 Worksheet
Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviours? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.
If other people have told you how you how your have hurt them, then write down what they said.
Describe any missed appointments that resulted from your addictive behaviours.
Describe any memory lapses where you cannot account for where you were.
Describe any times that you cannot recall how you got home.
Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviours or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviours.
Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviours.
If your addictive behaviour contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it.
Describe times that you have withdrawn from social interaction and isolated yourself to an extreme degree and why.
Describe incidents where you expressed inappropriate anger towards other people.
Describe embarrassing or humiliating incidents in your life. Were they related to your addictive behaviours? If so, how were they related?
Describe attempts that you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors. How successful have they been? Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviours?
Do you feel any remorse from the ways that you have acted in your life? If so, explain that in detail.
Describe any irrational or crazy set of events that have happened since you began you addictive behaviour. Did you rationalize this behaviour? If so, in what way?
Have you avoided people because they did not share in or approve of your addictive behaviour? If so, list these people and situations.
Describe any dreams that you have had that exhibit the unmanageability or chaos of your life.
Can you pinpoint one time period in your life when your life began to become extremely unmanageable? If so, describe that period of time and what was happening.
Is there one incident or insight that made you realize that your life was unmanageable? If so, describe it in detail.
How would you summarize the powerlessness and unmanageability of your life in the face of your addiction?
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Ok, then............cross your legs, hold your right arm over your head while facing east and chant " I am powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over alcohol........."
Seriously, get out the BB and start reading, it's what worked for me........glad to see you back!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Took a lot of getting hit over the head before I finally got it. Developing physical problems was how far I had to go to finally get it.
Other than that, I can only repeat what Carol(Quetzal) said. The final solution is just don't quit, don't give up, keep reading all the literature you can find, keep seeking that (those) compatible sponsors/AA friends.
Something like getting the shit beat outa yu, in a back ally...gasping for air..lying on the ground..and saying "Help me up...Im not done with you yet" :)
You guys have a good day....eh..
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
So awesome that you are here talking about that 1st Step, The way I preceive this First step, is you can work it until it is felt in ever fiber to the core. Or you can wait, until there is nothing left, but the core, and work it from that prespective.
