Whenever I decide to try to stop drinking I do very well for about a week and then out of nowhere this arrogant attitude comes along and my brain starts saying things like "Are you really going to let these people tell you what to do?" and "Don't you miss being a rebellious fun loving bad ass?" and before I know it I'm up up and away in my drunken balloon.
People just gotta do what they gotta do until they become willing. Willingness came hard for me, and I know exactly how it feels to be on a roll and then DECIDE to just say, "F*** IT". Willingness is indeed the key. And not something I could MAKE myself be. (Or stay).
I know you have heard this probably enought times to piss you off, but don't drink, and go to meetings, like it or not, until you LIKE going to meetings.... that's the only way I know how to get started. And from that start, this pathetic, sick alcoholic drug-addict is now 20 months sober and HAPPY, and a lot different, and even a nursing student now. How did A lead to B and so on? No idea. I just did what was suggested and watched it unfold.
For me, it took staring into the abyss of loosing everything before I was truly willing to be honest about my alcoholism. I tried to pretend that everything was fine when deep down I knew that it wasn't. I so wanted to stop, but I kept saying to myself “it isn't too bad really”.
What I did, very shortly after sobering up, was to write down all of the utterly embarrassing, shameful and hurtful things that I had done and said (that I could remember) when I was drunk. Then, when I thought that I 'wanted' a drink I re-read what I had written and the compulsion to drink lessened. Then, I started reading anything and everything I could from AA and kept going to as many meetings as I could. It was the meetings that kept me sober in the early days/weeks of my sobriety. I just took away with me what worked and left the rest.
Please take great care of yourself and let us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
