All my life I have an estranged relationship with my father, only saw him maybe twice a year at my grandmothers house. When she past away 11 years ago her funeral was the last time I spoke to him (but I don’t think I talked to him because I was high and angry, cant remember) I have spent the past 31 years hating him for leaving us girls. And he was very aware we wanted nothing to do with him. Well for the last seven months I have rekindled our relationship, and forgave him, and found out a lot of reasons he was never around. For one he was doing drugs and drinking (now clean) and he knew he could not be a father and second, when he did come around my mother (who I stopped talking to a few months ago) would not let him see us. The last few times I saw him, before my gmas death I was high on every thing you can imagine, and all the times I’ve seen him in the past seven months I have to drink before I see him just to deal with my nerves. So tonight my sister and dad are going to dinner, just us three. And since I’m trying this sober thing I’m like freaking out about going. My sister was like “we all have to be sober tonight” I’m like “ummmm ok why”. I’ve been fidgeting all day thinking how on earth am I going to get through this night, gonna be so hard to go to dinner and not drink. I have to get ready to go out with the father I don’t know and do it not sipping a margarita UUUugggggggggg. So far I don’t like this sober stuff and just want to cry.
Clean and sober now, eh? Well maybe there's another link in your chain of support. When I sobered up, I didnt like the idea, period. Whatever the idea was, a family event, going to work, going outside my front door. Just didnt like it, and agonized over it. Did me good, though, especially spending time around folks that cared about me.
I have found myself in a number of situations since sobriety that I could never (that is, THOUGHT I could never) face sober. A lot of them were situations that I had never faced sober.
I gotta tell you, you will be amazed at how you will feel the next morning for having gone through it sober! I was surprised at how much stronger and in charge of myself I felt. And, I felt so much more sure that I could face other things sober, after the first time I went through a social situation sober, that I felt I couldn't get through comfortably without drinking (drinking, hell, I mean 3/4 buzzed). I discovered this even on the same night, on my way home from the event.
Wow, Jessica, how blessed you are that you're Father is not only clean and sober now, but is making the effort to re-connect with his children. I placed my own children in a safe place with family while I was still using. It killed me to be away from them, but it could have killed them for me to be around, yknow? It takes a great deal of courage for a parent to make this effort. And fear of rejection was, for me, a big thing. Thankfully, I had loving children that understood that I did what I did for a reason, and they now are totally supportive of my staying clean and sober.
So, here's your chance to be a family again, maybe a new one, but family none the less. And with both of you sober, that doubles the blessings, don't you think? I'm sure your Dad will understand your nervousness, I bet he's just as nervous,if not more.
Have a good and sober time tonight, experiencing just how lucky you are to be able to experience these things without being loaded. You really have been handed a gift. Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
What a Triple Treat. All three of you Sober, don't know if this will help, but one of my favorite commercial about a deoderant states "If you are not a little Nervous, you are not Alive"
Great learning Experience, and just like Dan said, you are going to feel SO Great about this in the Morning. Keeping the band-aide off of the wound, (Alcoholism, and the use of this to feel "Normal") is so very difficult at first. We want the Band Aide on, but the problem is, that old Worn out Band-Aide, never lets any of God's sunshine see the wound, the "wound" ansolutely cannot heal.
Baby Steps, my dear friend, and so proud of your decisions, Difficult yes, Possible, Absolutely!!!!
Hope all three of you have a wonderful, and memorable time.
Ok so I did it I went and didn’t drink!!! All three of us not drinking, and we talked like family. I think I can do this, I really do. Tomorrow I will go to a meeting be my self (for the first time) and I will take this head on. 4 days so far and I plane on doing it forever!!! Gosh what a great night. Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts It's nice to have that.
Thank you so much for such a wonderful and uplifting post. I can't tell you just how pleased I am for you, your sister and your Father. I always find it amazing just how much that I can now do in sobriety that I used to find impossible and frightening when I was drinking.
I so hope that you'll have a really good meeting for you. And, well done on all that you are doing.
Please keep posting and letting us know how it is going for you.
Have a super and sober weekend.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I had a similar experience with my dad a while back...he left when I was 4, left my mom poor with 3 children, didn't help with child support, I found out he used to be somewhat violent towards her, etc. (sounds like a country & western song)...anyway, we ended up together alone for the first time in over a decade and he knew I had some bad feelings about him. He started out by saying "I know you're upset with me for the way I treated your mother but maybe you could hear my side of the story..." I cut him off and said "If the next words out of your mouth aren't 'I'm sorry, I was young and stupid and I was wrong' then I swear it will be the last thing you ever say to me"...he broke down and with tears in his eyes repeated what I had wanted to hear.
Forgiving him was probably the best gift I ever gave myself. I got to have a relationship with my dad (who was a different person than the man he was when I was 5) and I got to let go of all that bitterness, resentment and anger. It also allowed me to have a better relationship with my older brothers who had made amends with him a long time before.
Anyway, good luck...and feeling like crying is a stage I'm looking forward to! I'm still in the "wanting to punch things" stage
Jessica
