Had a bad night last night... started wanting to drink... I've had too much going through my mind lately and a few of those things just hit me full force and I got this totally overwhelmed feeling, my head was buzzing, my chest felt fluttery and I was shaking and all these thoughts were just going full force through my head and all I could think is I need a drink to make all this stop! I had been in a chat room, I have a good friend in there, and I don't totally trust the people in the room, so I left and started sending him messages on messenger... well he didn't answer, he's really bad at multi-tasking. So I went back in, told him I needed to talk, I was overwhelmed and wanted to drink. marked myself as away because I didn't want to talk to the others, I didn't want to go into what was going through my mind, and he sent me a private message, and then got caught up in chat again. I had no patience at all, left the chat room. Tried to call my sponsor and others but my phone was messed up, wouldn't dial out any calls, why does that always happen at a bad time?! After I left my friend had called but my phone was still on silent from church and I saw that he called, went back into chat, asked him to call again, and told everyone the chat room wasn't the place for me to talk about what was going on. My friend called, everyone else got pissed off at me, didn't believe my phone wasn't working right, because I couldn't dial out but I could recieve calls, it's done that before though, again they thought I was BSing them. Ugh!
Anyway, my friend got me calmed down after awhile, let me talk, read the big book with me, prayed with me, he stayed on the phone with me until after 1am until I was ok.
Woke hubby up and talked to him for a little until my sleeping pill kicked in.
Today... I'm just pretty down... trying not to let my thoughts run away with me... as my friend told me - easy does it, take it easy, keep it simple, and let go and let God. Trying to remember those things. It's just so hard for my mind to keep things simple sometimes.
I've been taking on too much lately, and maybe that's not helping things, resigned from being manager of an online group, I'm still asst manager because the manager will be gone for awhile, but now my only responsibility is making sure the other asst manager knows what she needs to be doing and bouncing ideas back and forth and letting her put them into action. There's some things they want me to do, as I'm the only one who knows how to work with backgrounds on pages and posts, and tags, but I told them it'll be a long process getting it done, I'm doing it on my own time and trying to take it easy.
Also left 3 abuse groups I was going to... I'm in too many groups, just got to be too much.
This whole going back to school thing, I'm hoping it won't be too much for me. Sometimes I'm really ready for it, and sometimes I'm not so sure. I want to do it soooo bad though, and I'm really excited about it. Maybe the vocational rehab won't be too overwhelming and it will prepare me. and by the time I get back in school maybe things won't be so rough.
Wow, you sure have had what I would call a Full Plate lately, Recovery, one day at a time, Therapy, and now adding School or Vocational Rehab. Sounds like Overload to me.
My take on the above Slogan, it is the Top Slogan of this wonderful Program, is that Slow and Easy, really Does Do It.
Step One, "We are Powerless over Alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable."
Lisa, this is really a two part step, both parts need to be digested over and over again. Just my opinion here.
My Prayers go out to you dear, just hope you can take little baby steps, and continue doing that.
Just not drinking, NO MATTER WHAT, is difficult in the beginning, but possible, and if we can Put Sobriety in Front of Everything, no matter what it is, that can help us too.
Thanks Toni... I am feeling a little better now... getting excited about my camping trip this weekend, should be a good way to relax after all that's been going on.
This whole school thing is just plans right now, I've heard the vocational rehab is a long process, lots of paperwork, so I want to get it started at least. I need some structure in my life right now, I'm hoping the rehab thing will help with that, and help me focus on other things a little more like getting my life straight, rather than having so much free time to think on the bad things... maybe it'll work *crosses fingers*
Therapy is really overwhelming at times... don't get me wrong, it helps a lot, and I feel better after a session, but during the week between sessions I'm overwhelmed, everything's on my mind... seems like all that's running through my mind is abuse abuse abuse and I can't clear my mind hardly ever. Doing lots of work in 2 books I'm using to deal with it, and emailing my counselor throughout the week, taking breaks when it gets to be too much... going to start counseling twice a week maybe, well, seeing him early in the week so that by the end of the week if I need to see him again I can call and get in. And if after a session I think I need to get in later that week I can tell him so.
Just a lot going on right now... you're right, Easy Does It. I'm trying.
