I have reduced the dose yesterday from top whack to half dose, things are good but i just dont feel good, I cant get happy anymore, i feel like a living dead, when I was drinking I may as well been dead, I want to enjoy being sober, I am going to see the dr and see a way to come off altogether, he said to drop the dose when I start to feel better (about 2 years ago)
resentful at family. my brother and dad look down on me, I went through a real bad time in my 1st year of sobriety, xmas just gone I was ready to jump, they turned their back on me, ignored me, then retaliated when I told them how I was doing (not well) then when I was doing well they said inappropriate things about me and the fact that im an alcoholic in front of his children (between 2-14 years) the oldest daughter my youngest sister is now in a ward, tries to kill herself every chance, I try to be there for them but they dont want to know, so I have given up calling havent spoke for some time,
my brother is still angry at me, I asked my dad for a 3 month loan so I could get a moped for uni, I had my brother call me drunk and angry saying not to pester my dad when he is going through this, (he gets given money) when he has drunk it all at the pub and no one abuses him,.
where were they in the time I needed them? when I was suicidal in drinking and in sobriety?
everytime i see them it takes me back to being a child, they make me feel like a piece of dirt, something in me wants to not see them again, but my heart says to keep coming back for more abuse incase I hurt them by shutting them off,
In recovery, we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.
For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?
There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.
Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.
We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.
Today, I will own my power to be myself.
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
i have depression as well and have been on anti-depressants for 4 years now, my family is similar to yours. through the program and love and support of my friends in recovery i learned a concept of myself that is very different than what my family thinks of me. i have very little contact with any blood relatives, it never changes i know it will always hurt, so i stay away to protect myself, i consider that emotional abuse is a threat to my sobriety and since i have depression as well it is my responsibility to stay away from situations that can make it worse cause i really hate it when i am in the suicidal place. i find it very sad that i have none of my relatives in my life now and certainly go through greiving periods. the family i have in recovery teaches me more about love and suprises me always with new and wonderful demonstations of love. thanks for sharing, it helps to know others are dealing with similar stuff. god bless.
