This stuff is a hard damned thing in sobriety. There's no way to candy coat it. Who can tell you, exactly, what should I do? How far do I go? What is right and what if i'm wrong?
No one.

We live these things to the best of our ability and learn from the results.

I come home to a long drivelling IM about divorce from my wife. Been thru hell together, and in the end, seperated. I had to have nothing more between me and myself for the final showdown in this drunk deal. I found my showdown, and with it, my sobriety, and when the dust settled, I knew that God was God. Period.
I kept my promise to her. Prayed and waited for over a year now, working on myself. For the first time in my life, standing my ground against any obstacle and learning to take care of our kids has taught me sofar some of the toughest lessons I have ever learned. For example, God -refuses- to lower the bar for me. But He will train me up to jump it. As I reach each new hurdle in growth, I can bitch moan pout and throw temper tantrums all day long, and usually do, but God refuses to budge. Sink or swim, The choice is mine, not God's.
So I come home to another cute little IM about divorce and how tired of holding on she is. Holding on to what? She has been sowing her seperated oats from one side of Texas to the other, and has never bothered to even lie about it.
She is a spoiled rotten little BRAT who refuses to grow up. And face the facts. The facts arent just MY point of view, She is married to a man and has kids, and he is NECK DEEP in LIFE, while she is skipping thru the daisies. That is LIFE on LIFE'S terms. Piss on this divorce deal.
But i'm not God, and life on life's terms is I cannot force her to grow up. So I should give her what she thinks she wants. Maybe that could be my ammends.
She could go skipping along after whatever it is she thinks she sees. Maybe it will be something interesting. I have five dollars says her next cute trick in 'finding herself' will be 'discovering' she's a lesbian.
I may be a horrible example of this, but i'm feeling good and Old Testament tonight.
So what I see is God is like that with us. He keeps taking care of us, not how we think He out to, but for the best. We keep running of after our own blind ambitions and notions of how things just might work. And He keeps waiting patiently. We come back, and things dont work the way we think, and then we leave. And He waits. And finally He gives us what we want. When we refuse and keep turning and ignoring time after time after time the voice of wisdom. We come to a hurdle, or run against consequinces, and it ends up being the deal our trust in God is not strong enough for, and instead of persisting, we decide to go our own way.
This is the dead alcoholic. What if I went so far after my own devises that God finally gives me what I think I want?
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You guys all rock, in that you GIVE a crap about what is going on... and you share your experiences with me. Thank you immensely. And thank you, Toni... for the little colorful guys you sent... just at the right time.  :o)  And I do feel your big warm hugs, every single one that you send.

 

Ryan, I don't know WHAT I want. Never did. I just know what I DON'T want... and that's more B.S., more failure and more unmet needs. I can only get them met from God, and it takes an AA meeting and an attitude adjustment to get back to that.

I went to my sponsor's house for a couple of hours and bawled and then got my esteem back and felt better. She helped me get back to that place where God will take care of me no matter what, and the knowledge that no matter what, He, and ME, are really all I'll ever  "NEED". So screw what I think I 'want'. What God has in mind is usually better.

Keep hanging in there, Ryan. You are doing the right thing, staying sober and taking care of those kids. Don't ever let a whirling dervish get in the way of that.

Joni