depression's not quite so bad as it was yesterday... well kinda up and down depression today, goes from bad to worse, bad to worse... but I will make it through this.
I feel weird though... confused??... uncomfortable??... no real word to place on what I'm feeling exactly. I hate not being able to name what I'm feeling.
I've been having a temptation creeping up a lot lately... kinda in the back of my mind... I used to huff nail polish remover, air freshener, other things... for about 5 years, from the time I was 10-15. All of a sudden the thought's coming up, I don't know why after so long. I almost got up and did it the other night. This would be screwing up my sobriety though wouldn't it? I haven't done it, I'm fighting it. I wish I knew why after all these years I'm thinking of it though. I won't even do my nails right now because it would mean using the nail polish remover...
I'm realizing a lot of things about myself right now... which is what's causing this weird feeling... figuring out certain things I don't like or can't handle, and realizing why on some of those things, other things I'm at a loss, I have no idea why I can't handle it. Figured out why it takes me 3-4 hours to go to sleep every night... now I just don't know what to do about it besides sleep on the couch, where I have no problem sleeping. *sigh*
Anyway... guess I'm just keeping y'all updated... I know I don't post here nearly enough.
Get some meetings.. and some perspective. Your brain is going haywire without that alcohol. All this crazy thinking is part of it. It's going to take time for things to settle down for you. But you slack off, and one of those low spots is going to get you right back where you were. When I was a kid, huffed gasoline, would come to on the garage floor laying in a pool of it. I hadnt even gotten warmed up in my career. You think if your miserable now, dance with some junk like that again. I've been pretty low myself lately, but it will pass. Reminds me were I came from. You keep up the good stuff you know to do, and it will pass for you to.
I was at a great meeting yesterday and one guy mentioned that alcoholism is a disease. I knew that, but he talked about it as being dis-ease. I remembered all of the times when I just didn't feel easy or relaxed with myself and I knew that they were symptoms of my alcoholism.
Please hang in there, Lisa. These days will pass. When I'm not feeling too good I try to get to as many meetings as I can and share and share about how I'm feeling; I read as much AA literature as I can; 'phone someone else in AA; even going out for a walk to take my mind off things. It really does help me.
Please look after yourself and let us know how it is going for you. It's always good to hear from you.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
