I have a few questions and was wondering if someone could answer them for me. I attended Al-Anon for many years as I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics. I am now married to someone that I am not sure is an Alcoholic, but certainly has a lot of the symptoms and characteristics of what I am used to seeing and hearing in Al-Anon meetings. I have not been to meetings for NUMEROUS years as I was never in the situation to need to go. Now, I am about to go again, but was wondering if possibly a few alcoholics could answer a few questions for me. First of all, why is it that Alcoholics are so angry? My husband has just stopped drinking, it’s been four days now, who is normally angry, belligerent and aggressive in everyday life has gotten even worse. He has always never been able to look at what he might be doing to provoke a particular situation, rather turning towards me and pointing the finger at me, whether right or wrong. He seems to want to pick fights a lot and always says it is me that is having mood swings. He likes to bring up the past issues that I thought had been put to rest when he gets like this. Today he announced before he left for work that I WAS GOING TO QUIT SMOKING. He took my cigarettes without me knowing and I discovered this after he had left for work. I have been working on giving this up anyways and have cut down from ½ a pack a day to 3 a day. I told him that I did not tell him to stop drinking and that he shouldn’t tell me to stop smoking. I did stop smoking pot three years ago when he asked me to and haven’t touched it since. He just seems to be so angry all the time and I just don’t understand it. Is it that he needs to get mad at me to drink or does he just like be angry all the time. We have only been married for 2 years and sometimes he is unbearable to live with. Last night I sort of stayed away from him and cleaned the house as I didn’t want to be around him in this mood he is in. I understand he is really in pain right now and having terrible withdrawal symptoms. He refuses to go to AA and says he can do this on his own. He did quit in July of 2004 until Dec. 2004. he then stopped once again until November of 2005 but it has slowly built up until the other day. He has lost all motivation, although he is able to work. He is tired all the time, has no get up and go, doesn’t help around the house like he used to and can barely do anything except watch tv. Now that he has stopped drinking he is in rough shape. Someone at his job even mentioned that he looks awful. He is on edge all the time, flipped out at an employee at Sears the other day, the next day yelled at a gas station employee and ended up having a fight with someone he works with yesterday. Not only is he angry and acting out with me, he has now resorted to this behavior outside our home. I am concerned about him and although I post on an Al-Anon forum, was wondering if someone here could give me some insight to all of this. What makes someone think they can do it without AA? Why are they so darn angry all the time? Why are they so demanding? Is this normal behavior for an alcoholic? I am at a loss as to what to do. What should I be doing? Should I stay away from him? He tells me 50 times a day how awful he feels, how sick he is, etc. It’s like he wants me to make it all go away, or to ease his pain. I don’t feel like I can do that for him right now. He has hurt me terribly with things he says, does and does not do. He is so selfish and demanding and acts like a child. Please help me to understand him. I am hoping if I hear from alcoholics, I will understand better. Thanks in advance to anyone that answers me.
You coulda been my wife 3 years outta the 4 we where together, with that post. I could point out one thing out of a lot of things. I had absolutely 0 security. For good reason. In the last years of my drinking I sensed the slow spiral towards destruction and percieved hell itself working down the pipeline. And was powerless to stop this nightmarish process. Every go around brought new lows in incomprehensible demoralization. The same process in our marriage was a mutual dance though. 2 sick people, ultimately helpless against the progression of our illness. And we knew it. It still wrenches my gut recalling the day my wife asked me if we could just end it all together. She didnt blink when she asked. Get help.
I agree with Ryan. At this point, all you can do is take care of yourself. Continue with alanon, work the steps with your sponsor. When my hubby was having anger issues, I went to therapy to keep myself grounded, and eventually, the fact that I was doing things not only about my problems but also helping myself regarding his issues, he sought help. That was several years ago, and it's been uphill ever since. You can't really do a thing about the alcoholics anger and issues--you can only work on your own. My suggestion is you get going on your program and just pray that he will on his. Let us know how it goes, Wren
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