I picked up my white chip last night. Been in Alanon over a year and AA about 3 months, I have been stuggling over whether I was or wasnt an A.... I still have fleeting doubts as my drinking history never put me in a low bottom. But denial is fading as I recognize what alcohol does for me.........or that I always drank more than I intended. Not to mention, I tested the waters last weekend while family was in town and man, drinking was not fun! I worried if I should drink and once I did I totally recognized my drinking behavior...almost gave my phone number to a piano player...duh! Its true.....drinking is not fun after you realize you might have a problem!
Anyway......I didnt plan on picking up the chip but about 30 min into the discussion, I knew I would. Afterwards, I felt strangley anxious and uncomfortable, doubting if I should have picked up the chip. It was weird, I thought I would feel celebratory?!
Felt ok this am-
Any feedback from you guys as to why I dont feel a little better? Think these feelings are destined to make me fail.
If I think that I might have a problem with alcohol...I likely have..:)
The chip? Kind of a reminder...of what choices you might make in the future...for you...on a daily basis..when youre thinking about testing the waters..
Have a nice day eh..
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
It brings me joy sometimes hearing someone begin to recognize the work drinking is doing in there lives, and can maybe see down the road, and see, if truly alcoholic, the degrees in wich this damage will grow and multiply.
If I saw that I cant sit around in traffic without continuing to get smacked and eventually killed, the question wouldnt be how I felt about that recognition, it would be what am I gonna do about it?
Eh, hey I bet the piano man doesnt have a problem with your drinking!
Well done on your white chip! Congratulations!! Here in the UK we don't have anything like that.
For several months, I kept thinking that perhaps I wasn't an alcoholic but I wrote a list (for myself) of all of the things that I had done and bitterly regretted when I was drunk. There's no way that I would have done any of them when I was sober! So, whenever I felt like 'trying' a drink again, I got out my list and sat and read it. There was no way that I wanted to pick up again and go back there, even though I didn't hit a low bottom.
Take care of yourself, and it really will get better. Please let us know how it goes for you, won't you?
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
