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Post Info TOPIC: Come Here---Go Away..
Phil


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Come Here---Go Away..
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 As long as we have not healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than two people involved in our relationships.  There may only be two people in the room - but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds.  Until we start clearing our emotional process of the buttons/triggers that throw us into the past, we are not capable of being honest in the now.  When we react in the now out of old wounds and old tapes we are being emotionally dishonest with ourselves and our partners.

The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle.  When one person is available the other tends to pull away.  If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in.   When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again.  It happens because our relationship with self is not healed.  As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back.  On some level we are trying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.

What is normal and natural in romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self.  The person with abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them.  That causes them to become more needy and clinging - which causes the other person to pull away - which causes the first person to cling more - which causes the other to pull away more.  Eventually the person with abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves - which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in.  And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again. 

 The codependent type of behavior is an attempt to overcome the core belief that we are unworthy and unlovable by working real hard to earn love from another.  The more a classic codependent feels they are being abandoned the harder they work. 

The counterdependent is someone who is so convinced of their core unworthiness that their defense is to not open themselves up enough to admit they need another because they are sure they will be abandoned if anyone else sees who they really are (I used to feel if I ever truly opened up to someone, they would run away screaming in horror at my shameful being.)  So, they abandon before they can be abandoned (this includes abandoning themselves by being attracted to people who are unavailable - saves them from taking the risk.)

Both types of behavior are dysfunctional and self defeating.  Codependents are drawn to people who will abandon them (this abandonment does not have to be physical - it can be emotional so that the relationship continues but the codependent person has to settle for crumbs instead of truly getting their needs met.)  Counterdependents let down their guard once every 5 years or so and let in someone who will perfectly betray and abandon them in order to prove that they were right in the first place to not open up to people.

It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns.  The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood.  A big part of this process is awakening to the reality that it is not our fault that our relationships haven't worked out.  We were set up to fail to get our needs met in relationships by the unhealthy environments we grew up in, by the dysfunctional and dishonest definitions and role modeling that we experienced.  We were powerless to do things any differently than we did them until we started to examine our patterns and discover the ways in which our childhood experiences have been running our lives.

One of the most important steps in learning what Love really is - in starting to Love ourselves in healthy ways - is to start working on forgiving ourselves for being little kids who were wounded by being raised by people who were wounded when they were little kids.


http://www.joy2meu.com/codependent4.htm



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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Toni Baloney


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Good Morning Phil,


This was a great Post.


When I was reading about this subject many years ago, one thing that popped up off the page for me, was that the Significant other in you life, IN THE FOURTH YEAR OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, will become the unresolved relationship you had with you Parents.


Little wonder my two marriages that were in fact with very healthy men, with loving families, they did not have the problem, each one had a wonderful relationship to each of their parents. I think this was the underlying attaction to these men.  They had what I had never had. I  thought that this would bring about the healing, I so desperately needing on the inside. No such luck.  Over the years, it had a reverse effect, leaving me feeling Less Than, more that before the marriage began.


But just like the article stated, my own unresolved issues were the factor in the both of these Divorces.  There is a saying that most people have Relationships.  Alcholics take Hostages. Rings a big bell in my memory.


My own personal opinion, is that some of us have Alcholic personalities, many many years before we ever start drinking. My drinking did not become a Problem til my late thirties, but have always related to the saying of being Born an Alcoholic. Or maybe a sitting duck, waiting for the Disease. My take anyway.


Once when listen to a former Priest, when he spoke of his broken childhood issues and background, he summed it up so perfectly. "I was raised by two people that did not know who they were, and they raised me to be a person, that did not know who he was".  Simple words for some very complex stuff, eh.


Thanks for this Great Post.


Hope you have a good Sunday,


Toni


 



 

-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 15:08, 2006-09-03

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wandajf


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Hi all, thanks for the great post, so very true in every way. In my experience, a healthy relationship makes each of you stronger. If you are feeling "less then", it probably is not healthy. It is my responsiblity to make myself healthy in order to give the best to the relationship.

Now having said that, it is no wonder why I don't have a significant other in my life. Lord help me I am just a work in progress!! Progress not perfection, I keep trudging.

Thank you all for being here.

Wanda




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wandajf
Jana


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Phil-


A wonderful post as usual!  You find such great material to share. 


I read your posting twice and find my late teenage years to be extremely reflective of this.  (and can see how an unhealthy mindset has been obtained.)  I had a decent amount of short term relationships during this period, and did so to make me feel important.  It was rather sick actually.  I would pretty much pick someone out, attain them, and then disregard them.  I think in my mind I wanted to make myself feel that I was 'good enough', or desirable, and then after I knew I had a guy in my twisted web, I would tell them I was moving on. 


I have known for years how twisted this was.  But, it satisfied what I needed at the time.  I did not allow anyone to 'leave' me first, so I made sure to be the one with the 'upper hand' all of the time.  Strangely enough, (not at all!) I was left feeling as empty as ever afterwards, but continued on this path of self-destruction for at least a year.   


I realized the reasoning of this behavior in my early 20's.  Growing up, I always felt like no matter how hard I tried, or how good I did, it was never enough, or was not good enough for my father.  So here, I just wanted to prove to myself that I was 'good enough' and then my conquest was over.  Not exactly the most self-loving behavior, eh?!


Thanks again for the post!


-Jana


 



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Jo


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Thanks Phil,


It seems that as much as I thought old wounds were healed, they are much deeper than I first thought.  The relationship with my own mom was at a healthy pace when we lived 1000 miles apart and had a wonderful phone relationship.  Now that I live in the same city, I feel just as confused and sometimes very resentful towards her for who she is today.


I just feel tired, exhausted and angry at trying to always be there for her.  I feel like the parent she never was.  And with this comes much confusion.  All I know is that with my last relationship I tried, many things came up that I obviously was not over.  Now that I am alone again, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be ready.  But as it is known, it is progress and not perfection that we seek.  One day at a time.  Thanks for the awesome post.


Sincerely, Jo-Anne



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