I can't believe this realization and admission has flipped everything upside down for me. In the last four days, I have attended four meetings. This is honestly the first time that I have stood back and took a good look at what I have been doing to myself and those around me. It makes me sick. I know I can't beat myself up about it because I can't change the past, but I can change how I live my life now and in the future. My ideal self and my true self are definitely not one in the same right now. And the only times they differ is when drink (inclusive of the senseless crap I do when I drink)!
Taking a look back and being honest with myself, I have lost several good friends and 2 boyfriends to my substance abuse issues. I have gotten 3 DUI's. I have been incarcerated for a few months. I have lost a job, and was even told it was because of my problem. My manager suggested I go get help. Of course, it only stung for a few days. I told myself I'd get my shit together, but instead I rationalized things with myself and made sure I would not ever drink on nights I had to work the next day anymore. Way to face the true problem! I never faced the true problem; I just found ways around it.
These past few days have really been a shock to the system. It's not necessarily that I haven’t taken a drink in the past week, although tonight and tomorrow will be a bit more difficult, but I've had to look back and really be honest with myself as to what my alcohol problem was doing to my life and to those around me.
I have cried at every meeting I have attended so far. This is so damn difficult. I am miserable looking back at how alcohol has contributed to my life. Alcohol has not been a friend, but a parasite. Killing me. I look at my timeline with myself and alcohol and see progression with my blackouts, and with my problems associated with alcohol the more and more I continue to use. I cannot bear to look further down that same road. I cannot imagine what will happen next if I continue to use.
I have almost lost my current boyfriend (due to last weekend’s events). He is supporting me in my sober journey and will not stand by me if I continue to drink. (I am so happy he is still here.)
I am very scared right now. It doesn't really seem logical to be scared to stop doing something that has caused so much pain and negative consequence in my life. However, I found comfort in my alcohol consumption. I enjoyed it and looked forward to it. AAGGHHH! I feel like I am going nuts.
Thanks for listening. I'm still going to be going to daily meetings. I'll find a sponsor next week, and pop in here pretty much daily as well.
Hope you all have a good (and alcohol free) weekend!
Good to read what you wrote! Many thick skulled drunks get a lot worse off or dead before they take such an honest stock seperating the symptoms from the problem. If you have the kinda straightforwardness youve shown here at your meetings, you are well on your way.
Hell, all the problems I had due to or exasperated by alcohol where the very reason I drank for many years.
Even in late first to middle stage drinking, you are definately still gonna have some difficulty drying out, just stick with it.
Dittos with what Ryan posted. That is a great attitude you have Jana. Do your best to keep it! You say that the weekend will be somewhat difficult for you. Keep at close hand the thoughts about what drink has done to your life. Alcohol is a VERY deceiving and fleeting comfort for us alcoholics and that comfort comes with a HUGE pricetag as you've already found.
Your thoughts are heading in the right direction for lasting sobriety. Keep attending the meetings (Even double up on them if you're having a hard time.) and get yourself that sponsor to give you some good tips to aid you. Good fortune to you!!!...Tim
-- Edited by timverton at 15:01, 2006-09-01
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I could associate with so very much of what you shared with us. The feelings that you have now are exactly the same feelings that I had when I started back with AA last November.
Now, I can so clearly the see the progression of my disease and the colossal impact that it had on my life and the lives of everyone around me. I truly do believe that I was going to kill myself with my drinking and the things that I did when I was drunk.
Black-outs were becoming more and more frequent for me. Vast chunks of time had gone and I had no recollection of what I had done during those times. I dreaded answering my telephone as I wouldn't be able to remember the last time I had spoke to this or that person and what I had said.
My life truly was unmanageable. It was only when I hit my rock bottom that I was truly ready to face it, though. No amounts of friendly hints or domestic problems would make me face up to my alcoholism. I lost my long term boyfriend because of my alcoholism. We're working on things though and it's good!
But, Jana, I really admire your whole attitude and your approach to going to meetings. That really is so important for you and for every other alcoholic.
Keep going to your meetings. They really do keep me sober, along with my wonderful sponsor and working the steps at my own pace.
Please let us know how you are doing, won't you?
Take care of yourself and have a good and sober weekend.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi Kiddo, I really relate, don't know where you live but I would suggest this weekend you try more than one meeting in a day. Do you have phone numbers? We all joke about the 500 lb phone, but it is a life saver to many of us. Just pick up the phone when you are feeling antsy or out of it. The only way to do this whole journey is one day at a time, and it is a great journey, but we all start over each day. Keep stringing those days together. It is a simple program, that we all make difficult at one time or another, you have made the first step, which in many ways is the hardest. Your honesty is admirable, and I know it has been tough to face. It will get better, and different, and you will be okay. Just keep checking in, we are all on your team. If we can help in anyway, just let us know.
